


Moonriver

by sillywillydilly



Series: Moonriver [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Boyfriends, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Past, Romance, True Love, bobbi - Freeform, bobbin, doubleb - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-01-25 00:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 62,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21347359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sillywillydilly/pseuds/sillywillydilly
Summary: Past, present, future, I hope to spend it with you always."Forever has such a heavy implication but I personally think that is the sweetest promise of them all."
Relationships: Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Series: Moonriver [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939816
Comments: 59
Kudos: 108





	1. Prologue

“Bin..Binnie..?” Bobby kicks off his shoes as he enters the neat hyeon gwan. The door closes and locks automatically after he manages to drag his backpack and luggage inside and leave it parked to the side of the entrance for now. Bobby can’t wait to give the tightest hug to this person he loves the most, who just celebrated his 24th birthday—technically 23 years old in International age—a day before. He’s been saving all the kisses and cuddles, and planning to pamper and baby his love as he couldn’t do it on his very special day due to his ridiculous overseas scheduling by the awful company. 

“Binnie…Baby..?” Bobby calls out to his love, slipping on his plush Pickle Rick slippers that have been neatly arranged in front of the door step. He checks his phone to see if there was any new messages or missed call earlier but there is none. He already informed his mother of his safe arrival right as the plane landed so he’s not expecting any calls from her anytime soon. She and the rest of the family are out making some last minute preparations for his nephew’s birthday celebration in a couple of days.

“Did he go back home..? But he knows I’m coming..” Bobby mumbles to himself, slightly worried and slightly confused. The last conversation they had was last night before he went to bed. His hurried footsteps is making soft thuds on the wooden floor. Usually it’ll be the cue for someone to call out, “Welcome home, Jiwonie!” yet today all he hears is silence in this new apartment they recently moved into. 

Bobby opens the door to the mini studio, the furthest room next to the guest bathroom in this decent sized, predominantly blue decorated apartment. The floor underneath the door creaks a little as he steps on it to peek inside. The room is empty, and there’s no sign that it was used recently. 

“Didn’t I tell him last night that I’ll pick him up and we can go together?” He scratches his head while mumbling to himself. His memories are a bit blurry from last night’s drunken celebration with the boys. Bobby was miles away from his love and was unhappy that they had to be apart on such a joyous occasion; so the boys brought the party to his hotel room. They drank and talked all night long as they’re discussing the plan for a proper belated birthday celebration later in Seoul. 

Bobby dials his love’s number as he’s making his way to their bedroom to change into fresh clothes for tonight’s family dinner. As always, he passes by the painting of a tree filled with colorful hearts thats hanging on the hallway, and unconsciously smiles at the heartful message behind it. 

_You’re so loved, Love. _

Bobby is glad. And happy. And proud. And his heart grows tenfold at the thought of a bigger version of the tree currently in progress. _They’re so thoughtful_, he thought. Slowly, and little by little, he watches how the flowers grow and bloom. Something akin to how it all started between the two of them. The tree roots were drawn deep in the ground, just like how their solid friendship started; but flowers bloomed unexpectedly as if Spring was always destined to be. 

Bobby opens the door carelessly, and regretting it a second later when he sees a giant lump on his side of their queen size bed. Someone insisted on getting the queen size bed instead of a king because “We always snuggle while we sleep anyways, Jiwonie!” 

Bobby can see a tuft of brown hair from the top of the well made burrito blanket, and Morty slippers can be seen peeking from the bottom. Bobby can’t help but chuckles at such a cute sight. Buzzing noise from the phone placed on the side table snaps him back to reality, he cancelled the call and puts his own next to it. 

_There you are, Love.._ Bobby sits down on the bed carefully, not wanting to wake him up. He removes a part of the blanket that covers his love’s face gently. And there Hanbin sleeps, Bobby’s love and best friend, looking so calm and peaceful. Lips slightly parting as he drifts in a deep slumber. _You’re a year older since I last saw you, Binnie._ Bobby leans in to give him the softest kiss on his forehead and lips. 

_His cheeks are starting to fill again_, Bobby notices. It feels soft and plump under Bobby’s loving caress. He got in a bit of a dilemma, he wants to wake Hanbin up to give him the tightest hug after being apart for days, but he doesn’t have the heart to disturb his resting time. They’ve been pretty busy recently, moving to a new place thats entirely their own. After 8 years of knowing each other, they’ve finally moved in together, just the two of them. Bobby looks around their bedroom, noticing a few new decor additions and two new sets of matching pajamas on top of the oak dresser.

_Ringggggg…_Abrupt alarm sound from Hanbin’s phone jolted Bobby from his wandering thoughts. Hanbin shifts under the blanket and stretches his arms, a familiar purple hoodie he was clutching earlier falls onto the floor. Blissfully unaware that Bobby is staring at him with a smile as he finishes his elaborate stretch moves. He’s just opening his eyes halfway to turn off the alarm when he feels two strong arms cuddling into him. Hanbin is surrounded with a familiar scent that he misses so much, a smile broke on his face as his heart is suddenly filled with butterflies. 

“Welcome home, Jiwonnie, I miss you so much,” Hanbin wraps his arms around Bobby. “Sorry I fell asleep, I meant to wake up before you arrived.”

“Shh.. baby. It’s okay, no worries. Happy belated birthday. I love you and miss you.” Bobby is showering Hanbin with kisses as Hanbin pulls Bobby’s body inside the warm blanket. Their bodies mold into each other perfectly as they embrace and snuggle into one another. 

~~~~~~~

It doesn't take long for Bobby to doze off in Hanbin's arms. He fell asleep midway into them making out but Hanbin doesn't mind.

_What did I do to deserve you, Jiwonie. I’m so damn lucky._ Hanbin’s mind suddenly wanders to the past, reminiscing on the time before they met. To think that there are 7.5 billion people in this world, yet they’re lucky enough to find their way to each other. A small misstep can change the course of fate, yet each step they take brings them even closer than before.

_Jiwon, if we don’t get to meet in this lifetime, will I be able to paint the same rainbow in my sky?_ Hanbin wonders.__

_ __ _

_ __ _

**Fairfax, VA. December 2006**

It was wintertime in Virginia, 10 year old Bobby was all warm under a thick blanket cuddling with his favorite Pooh bear watching reruns of Dragon Ball on the living room TV. Sleets of snow were forming outside on the patio, he was so excited to make a snowman when the snow would get thick and firm enough the next day. Bobby’s mom and grandma were busy in the kitchen cooking something that smelled so wonderful. Bobby could hear his stomach growling, as he was flipping through the channels because Dragon Ball had just ended. 

“Eomma, is dinner ready yet?” Bobby walked to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of cold milk. 

“In 10 minutes, baby. Don’t drink milk now Jiwonah, you’ll ruin your appetite,” his mom scolded him. 

“But I’m hungry, I could eat a horse! That’s a new term I heard at school today mom! Isn’t that funny??” Bobby clung to his mom as his mom was busy scooping rice into the rice bowls. 

Bobby’s grandma patted his head and handed him a plate of Bulgogi to place on the dinner table, “Jiwonah, I also made you that potato pancake you like”, she smiled as his eyes went wide with glee, “Go ask Jiun to stop playing his computer games and join us for dinner.”

Bobby gave a quick hug to his grandma and ran to Jiun’s room. He knocked on the door and pressed his right ear to listen before entering. Jiun hated it whenever Bobby came barging in unexpectedly when he’s on the phone with his new girlfriend. 

“Hyung..?” Bobby took a quick peek inside, Jiun was in front of the computer screen, watching some Korean channel he streamed through the internet while strumming absentmindedly on his guitar. “Whatcha doing?” Bobby jumped onto the bed, Pooh almost went flying from his arms. 

“Jiwonah, what if someday one of us becomes an artist in Korea. You know, maybe not as an idol or an actor but a musician? Signed to a major label, earning so much money..we’ll be able to help mom and dad.”

Bobby thought about it for a minute and he laughed, “There’s no way it’s gonna happen Hyungie! Although..it would be nice to be able to help mom and dad, and we can take Grandma back to Seoul as well.. She told me she misses her old friends back home.. But, we both can’t sing nor dance like those Big Bang hyungs!” Bobby rolled around with Pooh in Jiun’s bed. 

Jiun strummed his guitar softly, humming a familiar tune that Bobby couldn’t quite pinpoint. 

_If I could, then I would. I’ll go wherever you will go.._

“Jiun, Jiwonah, dinner is ready!” They heard their mom calling from the kitchen. Bobby rose up quickly from the bed, tucked his Pooh gently on his Hyung’s pillow, and ran to the dining table while screaming “Yayyyy!”. Jiun followed suit, walking much less hastily than his younger brother. Jiun took a seat next to his dad, who was currently eyeing the biggest piece of Bulgogi hanging on the side of the plate. Bobby was already seated next to Grandpa. Both brothers exchanged furtive glances, looking at the faces of both parents and grandparents they loved so dearly. Little 10 year old Bobby had a thought, _Maybe, just maybe, I can try._


	2. Serendipity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the glimpse of the past, cherished moments that last.

**Kim Hanbin. September 2nd, 2009**

Hanbin was giddy. The long awaited family trip to the United States had finally come. He couldn’t wait to go to all the places he had seen in the movies, to breathe the same air as some of his favorite RnB and Hip hop artists. He had just wrapped up his first featuring debut as a child rapper alongside a well known Sunbae in the industry. The golden opportunity fell onto his lap quite unexpectedly. He had always dreamt of performing on stage, but teenage Hanbin couldn’t imagine it would be under such a tremendous spotlight from the get go. "The scrawny talented young boy took everybody by surprise with his undeniable talent, showing promising future in showbiz", was what the media described of him. Several performances later, and Hanbin was firm in his resolution to pursue his dream to become a rapper. The stage was his home, and the mic was his spoon, he loved to entertain the crowd as they energized him just like a vitamin would. 

The long plane ride to Los Angeles was fairly enjoyable for him, as he used the time to practice writing some rap verses. They would be having a week long holiday in the sunny state to spend time with family members, before heading to the East Coast to visit his parents’ old acquaintances. 

Hanbin walked slowly to the baggage claim area after he exited the plane. Eyes were still sleepy as he didn’t get much sleep, and jet lag started to kick in. He removed his flatbill snapback and hang it on his waist belt as the unusually quiet LAX airport felt a bit warm that early morning. There was only one other international flight alongside theirs, currently waiting at the same baggage claim area. 

Never one without music playing in his ears, he bopped his head to the starting beat as he waited alongside the luggage carousel. A smooth strum of the guitar followed by soft mellow voice of Ne-yo filled up his ears. He was working on writing his own rap rendition to So Sick while he was on the plane. He didn’t quite understand what love is just yet, but he was so drawn to the original lyrics. He tried to imagine what it’s like to actually lose the one you love, what kind of heartbreaking process it might be. He had come up with different verses earlier, but now he’s thinking of changing some to mirror the original lyrics better. 

His parents approached him with two luggage carts right when the steel conveyor started moving and the first batch of colorful luggages dropped from the chute. While they were waiting for theirs to arrive, Hanbin observed the crowd of sleepy passengers around him. Hanbin loved to study people, to understand the person behind what was shown. Of course it was hard to do when he didn’t know them personally, but Hanbin had an affinity to only like those who are honest. He always had a special knack to tell when a person’s insincere, and that had kept him from a lot of unmeaningful friendships. 

“Shall we try In and Out, Bin - ah? Or do you want to go to that Thai restaurant you loved when you were little?” his mom yawned as apparently jet lag had just caught up with her too. 

Hanbin’s dad, who was busy replying to tons of work emails as they had spent hours on the plane without internet connection, became the target of his mom’s playful whine,

“Come on Yeobo, we’re on a holiday, those work emails can wait ’til a bit later,” she gave his husband a side hug, which was returned with a small peck on the forehead. 

“Ew Eomma.. you guys act like a lovey dovey teenager..,” Hanbin grinned, “Let’s go eat burger! And then can we go to that shoe store I was telling you about? They sell the limited edition shoe that I’m gonna buy with my first paycheck! Eomma, I’ll buy you and Appa matching shoes too, hows that??”

“You need to be wise with your money Bin-ah, thank you for your sweet offer, but you don’t have to buy us those shoes, just buy Eomma and Appa a cup of coffee later, okay, Appa’s little rapper boy?” his dad was stroking Hanbin’s head lovingly. 

After waiting for a while, he finally spotted his yellow luggage; with a Mickey Mouse luggage tag hanging from its handle, making its round towards them. The ever so impatient young Hanbin ran to grab it. As he was navigating his way through the lifeless crowd, a tall lanky boy who was busy fiddling with his phone bumped into him. Both of them murmured sorry to each other when Hanbin realized that the boy was wearing a worn out Dynamic Duo tshirt that had red stains on the bottom. The boy seemed to be in a hurry. Hanbin was so fixated on him that he almost forgot to grab the luggage from the conveyer. He stared at the boy in the distance, who was now busy texting something on his phone. 

_He doesn’t look Korean, but he wears Dynamic Duo’s Taxi Driver album shirt.. Are they famous too out here in LA?_, Hanbin wondered. He wanted to ask, but was too shy to speak English to a complete stranger. Hanbin kept his gaze towards the boy, who seemed to be travelling all by himself from China. _He doesn’t look much older than me, but he flew to another country alone? Woah, American people are something else._

As soon as they were done with immigration, Hanbin found that boy again in a distance, waiting near the exit, still busy on his phone. Hanbin noticed the brown haired boy finally put down his phone and called someone in the distance, a tad bit older doppelganger with similar brown curls and jawline. They chatted animatedly as they walked towards the exit. 

_Must be his brother, they look so similar_, Hanbin concluded. Hanbin was envious for a split second. He had been wanting a brother for the longest time, being the only child felt lonely sometimes. Lucky for him, his parents were young in age and shared the same interest as him in music and movies that he always had someone to have fun discussions with. On the bright side, growing up surrounded by mostly adults had made Hanbin wiser than most of his peers; reading books about Nietzsche and Socrates in his spare time. Hanbin often wondered whether boys his age thought about their dreams as much as he did. His dream of becoming a rapper had lead him to where he was at, determined and confident to keep going as far as his willpower took him. But he couldn’t find similar drive amongst his classmates, who questioned his dream and his foreign music choices. 

The encounter with the tall lanky boy was soon forgotten as they refreshed themselves with cold smoothies and coffees courtesy of Hanbin as promised. They finally headed outside to the shuttle bus stop to pick up their car rental, a Chevy Camaro as requested by Hanbin because he was obsessed with the movie Transformers. The crisp September morning air greeted them as they stepped outside the air conditioned terminal. Hanbin inhaled it deeply, it smelled of faint smog, yet he was so excited that he thought it smelled of hopes and dreams. 

**Kim Jiwon. September 4th, 2009**

“Arghhh so tired..,” Bobby dragged his backpack across the living room floor as he was aiming to plop down on the sofa. He was in his first year of high school, and school workload had been surprisingly heavy for a freshman. The house was empty, his mom and grandma were out buying groceries for the week at the nearby H mart. He threw his backpack carelessly on the dinner table, opened the fridge and grabbed a half empty jug of barley tea his grandma made for dinner last night. He chugged it hungrily, and at the same time was scrolling through his unread text messages. 

There were several texts from his church friends, informing him of the next music practice schedules. He made a mental note to reply to those later when the phone suddenly buzzed; an incoming text from his one of his best friends from school, Sean. They had agreed to meet up at the foodcourt of their local mall after school before heading back to Bobby’s for a sleepover but apparently Bobby had forgotten. He was too tired due to PE earlier and hopped on the bus to go home as soon as the school bell rang. He texted him back as fast as he could, _On my way_!!, grabbed his wallet from his backpack, and sprinted out the door to catch the 3PM bus to the mall that would be arriving in mere minutes. 

They ended up going back to Bobby’s house at around 5:30 PM. It was Sean’s last week in Fairfax and Bobby had not seen him for a week. He had just come back from a trip to Shanghai for his Great Grandfather 85th birthday party and made a quick pitstop in LA to visit his brother in college; before moving to Seattle permanently due to his father’s job. 

Sean had been one of Bobby’s first friends when he first moved to the US. They met in seventh grade and bonded over their love for rapping. Both shared a similar taste in music, and oftentimes taking turns in borrowing each others’ old hip hop cds. Bobby’s was mostly hand me downs from his older cousin, who preferred the sound of country music as he had grown older.

“Hi Mrs. Kim, Hi Grandma Kim!” Sean greeted them as he walked into the house after removing his shoes. He moved so gracefully for such a tall and lanky boy, thanks to the countless modelling classes he took when his mom was obsessed of making him a child star. Growing up biracial, he was already so familiar with the Asian custom of “no shoes inside the house” that he automatically did it without being asked.

“Hi, Sean! Aigoo, you boys went out wearing just a thin hoodie?? It’s freezing outside! Jiwonah you should put on thicker clothes next time, aigoo, this kid.” Bobby’s mom smiled as she playfully ruffled Bobby’s back. 

“This hoodie is warm, Eomma, don’t you worry,” Bobby grinned to his mom as he carressed his purple hoodie smugly. He had been saving for that Adidas hoodie for months, finally bought them on sale as he was lucky to find the only one left in his size. Bobby received small monthly allowance from his parents, in which he was always careful to spend it wisely. He had been trying to find a part time job to no avail, as the neighbourhood where he lived hadn’t fully recovered from the 2008 recession. He was also still too young, a couple months shy of turning 14, and there were not a lot of jobs available for such a young kid.

“What time will dinner be ready?” Bobby was eyeing the marinated chicken wings on the counter ready to be fried. Sean giggled next to him and nudged his ribs, “You just had Taco Bell earlier, bro,” in which Bobby responded by shushing him playfully with a grin. 

“Jiwonah…,” his mom gave him a scolding eye which only lasted for 10 seconds, before she broke into her usual friendly smile. 

“Dinner will be ready in 20 minutes, boys. Jiwon, don’t eat any more snacks okay, you’ll be too full for dinner!” She shouted as the boys half ran to Bobby’s bedroom. 

Bobby had a modest bedroom compared to boys his age. There was no fancy game console, just an old style single bed covered with soft bedsheet from his childhood, with a deflated football sitting on the ledge. A simple study desk was placed opposite his bed where he put all of his knick knacks. There was a small collection of mangas and cds stacked carelessly under his bed. His room was small and a bit messy, but it was cozy. His most priceless possession, Pooh, was usually tucked in under the blanket; but that day he stored Pooh in his closet. He knew Sean was going to spend the night and Pooh was something he kept secret from all of his friends. 

“Sean, my mom said we can bring the blankets and pillows to the living room. My dad will set up an air mattress for us later too, she said today’s extra special ‘cos it’s your last day in town!” said Bobby as soon as they get into his room.

“Awesome, your mom and dad are the best. My parents won’t let me do stuff like this, Mom said it will ruin her design aesthetic, whatever that means,” Sean grumbled. “Hey Bob, you got the new Naruto manga?” he asked as he was browsing through the stacked mangas under Bobby’s bed. 

“Yeah, it’s on top of the desk, next to the Netflix envelope, just finished reading it last night. Borrowed it from a church friend.” Bobby answered as he was trying to grab the spare winter blanket from the top shelf of his closet with difficulty. 

“What movie is this,” Sean asked as he opened the envelope, “Ah, it’s one of those tear jerkers. I was bawling my eyes when I saw it with my parents at the movies. Dude, did you doodle this bunny on the sleeve?”

“I was bored haha.. yeah, just saw that with my Hyung last night,” Bobby was still unsuccessfully trying to grab the blanket that was wedged in between the neatly folded pile of clean towels.

“Yo, you need help man?” Sean offered as he stood up to help Bobby.

“No, no, I got it,” Bobby answered hurriedly as he was careful not to drop Pooh from its hiding spot next to where the blanket was stored. He put the blanket on top of his bed, taking one last look at Pooh’s hiding spot, making sure it was safely tucked in between the freshly laundered linen. 

“Hey Bob, where do you want me to put this? Thanks for the shirt by the way! Your shirt was a lifesaver! Remember I told you I spilled a whole can of coke onto my shirt like a dumbass? Thank God I had accidentally put in your spare gym shirt inside my backpack when we shoot hoops last week, otherwise I’ll freeze to death!” Sean grinned as he took out the freshly washed shirt from his overnight duffle.

“So that’s where my shirt went! I was looking everywhere for it, I thought my dumb brain forgets it somewhere!” Bobby laughed.

“I can’t get those ketchup stain out though, sorry Bob. I dont’t know how it got there,” Sean shrugged apologetically.

“Haha don’t worry man, that gochujang stain was already there since I got that shirt from my brother. If my mom couldn’t take the stain out, no one can.”

Bobby’s eyes then wandered to the stack of cds underneath his bed. He remembered there’s one particular cd that Sean loved to borrow, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. He crouched down to look for it from under his bed, almost knocking into Sean’s knee who was engrossed in the Naruto manga. Finally he found it underneath The Chronic by Dr. Dre, next to the wall where his bed was pushed against.

“I don’t have anything to give to you as a “safe journey to the Emerald City” gift,” Bobby winced as he felt pin and needles on his left arm that he was using to prop his body weight earlier, “…but I hope you’ll keep this as something to remind you of your old friend in Virginia,” Bobby smiled his bunny smile as he gave the cd to Sean.

“Wow, are you serious? I know how much you love this one, Bob! Thanks bro!” Sean gave Bobby a warm hug. “You gotta visit me in Seattle soon, okay! Promise me! Ugh..I dont have anything to give you back though, I only got you those snacks from China..,” regret was starting to form on his face. 

“Ey, no worries man. I feel like I needed to say thank you for all you’ve done. I’m glad you approached me at school when no one else did,” Bobby extended his fist for a fist bump. 

“One day, when we’ve both successfully chased after our dreams, we gotta do a reunion in Virginia,” Sean fist bumped Bobby.

“And reminisce at our old hanging out spots? Look at us with our shiny watches, decked out head to toe in Supremes,” Bobby was making weird arrogant gestures that made Sean laughed. They were joking around as if it was not going to be their last sleepover. There would always be a future to look forward to, a time to meet again when their paths crossed. 

“Come on, I can hear my mom calling us for dinner. Can you grab the pillows, oh and don’t forget the flashlight inside that middle drawer over there, let’s exchange ghost stories at midnight,” said Bobby excitedly as he held his door open with one hand while juggling the thick heavy blanket on the other. The two young boys chatted animatedly as they made their way to the dinner table filled with tons of homemade food made with love. 

**Kim Hanbin. September 10th, 2009.**

Hanbin and his parents had just arrived in Washington D.C. They were invited to stay at a friend’s house in the posh part of town. A lovely family of four—soon to be five—, consisted of two twin boys and two loving parents, and another one on the way. An old colleague from years ago, they kept in close contact with the Kim family; the wives clicked with each other while the husbands enjoyed deep conversations until dawn arrived. The Kims flew in from LA last night after a jam packed itinerary that consisted of all the touristy stuff they could think of. Hanbin was a bit upset that they had to leave the sunny state, he was happy to have finally met the relatives he had not seen for a while. Hanbin swelled with pride when he received sincere compliments for his Indian Boy performance. One of his uncles, who became his favorite, even took him to a vintage music store, where Hanbin scored so many hip hop cds from the 90’s. He couldn’t be any happier. 

The clock was showing 8:30 PM, and the adults were about to leave to grab a quick dinner at the nearby restaurant. They didn’t take the boys along because it was a school night and the twins were too young to stay up that late. Their parents had 17 years old Hyesun, an older cousin of the twins, to supervise them.

“Hanbinah, we’ll be back before 10, okay? Hyesun will be here to accompany you guys until we come back. Be good and listen to her well, araso? Call me if you need anything.”

“But Eomma, I don’t need a babysitter,” Hanbin grumbled.

“I understand, but Gunwoo and Hyunwoo need someone to look after them since they’re still too young to be left unsupervised. Be a good hyung to them, okay Bin-ah? They adore you,” she fixed Hanbin’s unruly hair with a smile and pinched his cheek to get him to smile. 

“Araso..,” his face lighted up for a split second when his mom mentioned how the younger twin boys looked up to him. Hanbin, who didn’t have any siblings growing up, was suddenly adored by two cute dongsaengs who were 7 years his junior. Hanbin was delighted by this newfound feeling. Hanbin liked them as well, but because the twins mainly spoke in English, he found it hard to communicate properly.

After the boys finished their dinner, Hyesun suggested to play Rockband on the huge TV in the living room. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. They were having so much fun until the rowdier one of the two boys, Gunwoo, accidentally smack Hyunwoo’s face and caused him to cry. Hyesun decided it was bedtime for the boys so she ushered them upstairs to prepare them for bedtime.

“Hanbinah, there are several dvds inside those red envelopes over there. Yeah, the one that has Netflix written on it. You can pick one to watch if you’d like. Do you know how to turn on the dvd player?”

Hanbin nodded, “Sure, I’ll figure it out, don’t worry, Noona.”

“Sorry I have to leave you by yourself, I’ll be back after I put the boys to bed,” she was making a sorry gesture as she ran to the source of cries and screams upstairs.

Hanbin shifted through the piles of unsorted coupons and fliers, where there were several red envelopes lying around,

“Netflix? What kind of movie is a netflix?” Hanbin had never heard of that movie title before. He inserted one into the the dvd player, wait for it to load while he tried to read through the English writings on the sleeve of the dvd. There he found a small doodle of a bunny with a messy scribble written underneath, _You got a dream... You gotta protect it. _

Hanbin found out that the movie was actually not called Netflix, but The Pursuit of Happyness. He sat himself on the sofa and pressed play. Halfway through the movie he realized that the writings earlier was from a quote in the movie. He wondered about the person who drew the bunny and if that person was trying to reach his dream just like him. One thing that resonated with Hanbin the most that night, dream required sacrifices and hard work, and most important thing of all, to never give up. 

**Kim Jiwon. September 2nd, 2009.**

Ding! You’ve got one text message:

_Bob, got crazy news. The whole fam is relocating to seattle. like, next week. My dad was ofered an awesome job with twice the salary. You know how badly my fam needs it, right? Im still proccessing it right now, it still feels a bit surreal? I dont wanna leave Fairfax, but my dad said he cAnt afford us living separately. We were singing happy birhtday to my great yeye (in mandarin mind you I had to memorize it) when my dad got a phone call from his company, my mom was so speechless when she heard dad already said yes to the offer.i had to hop on a plane all by myself cos both mom and dad went home earlier then scheduled to deal with some stuff. _

Ding! You’ve got two text messages:

_Are u awake u must still be sleeping huh_

Beep! You’ve got one voice message:  
"Bob, my mind is going in all different directions, does this mean I cant see Jess no more? Gah, should've just ask her out on a date instead of being such a coward. Did I tell you I spilled a whole can of coke on my shirt an hour into the flight? Whoops, I just bumped into somebody, wasn't paying attention. Hey, that kid has the limited edition New Era snapback that I've been eyeing forever! Hmm, he reminds me of you for some reason. Gotta go, I think Sam’s already here at the airport. Text me when u wake up!" 

Ding! You’ve got three text messages:

_Or u know what man ill call u later when my minutes free. _

**Kim Jiwon. August 30th, 2009**

It’s 3pm on a chilly Sunday afternoon. Bobby just got home from Sunday Service, about to heat up lunch from the leftover japchae the family had for dinner the night before. He wasn’t feeling too well so he skipped Sunday music practice. 

Bobby finished his lunch and headed straight to his bedroom to nap. He figured he would feel a bit better after he sleep his headache away. He tossed and turned in his bed, with Pooh clutched in his arms, trying to fall asleep but sleep just wouldn’t come,

“Argh..what is wrong with me. Is it because I’m too full from lunch?” 

Bobby pounded on his own head as his headache got worsen. He took an Advil from the kitchen counter and chased it down with a glass of cold water. He figured he’ll go watch anime in his Hyung’s computer while he waited for the headache to subside.

The computer screen woke up from sleep the moment Bobby wiggled the mouse. It showed the front page of the website his Hyung used to stream Korean channels. Bobby clicked the link on a new tab, figured it could serve as a background noise as he perused through the anime streaming website. 

He was trying to decide between One Piece or Naruto when he heard an interesting song from the Korean channel that was playing on the other tab. It sounded like a young Korean boy rapping who called himself “BI”. Bobby caught the last minute of the music show performance and was in awe at this boy who was only around his age, yet he already performed with a well known artist in Korea, and on a popular music show as well. Right then and there, Bobby was reminded of a forgotten dream from years ago, of how he wanted to be a rapper and help support his family. 

He couldn’t stop himself and searched for all the performances of this “BI”, completely forgotten the anime and his headache. The more performances Bobby watched, the more he envied this boy, who he later learned that his real name was Kim Hanbin. With the same surname, Bobby wondered if he would be able to have the same kind of luck as this Kim Hanbin. 

It was later when nighttime came and he was laying in bed, absentmindedly tossing a deflated football on top of his head, that he had made the resolution to actually try and make his dream happen, no matter how hard the road would be.

**Kim Jiwon. January 5th, 2011**

Bobby packed Pooh last, after carefully wrapping it with the soft blanket he was bringing to Korea. The suitcase was all packed and ready to go. His mom and grandma were busy preparing the last dinner celebration for his departure to Korea the next day. 

Bobby cried silently in his bedroom, not wanting anyone to see how he was scared and uncertain. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like, having to live so far away from his family. His lovely aunt in Seoul would be his guardian while he was there, and Bobby couldn’t be more thankful for her and her family.

He went through his closet one more time, trying to make sure he didn’t leave anything he might need on his move to this new city. Seoul was his hometown, but his home had always been with his family. Bobby rummaged through the pile of old shirts on the bottom of the closet, thinking he might brought some to use as pajama, when he noticed the gochujang stained shirt that he loved. 

Bobby cherished that shirt a lot, as back then he felt it was sort of a connection to the Korea he left behind. It was what gotten him to know the music he breathed and love, a sort of foray into the world of hip hop. Bobby folded it neatly and stuffed it into his backpack as he was too lazy to open his overstuffed suitcase. 

He prayed to God before he slept that night, to guide his path as he took out his first of three chances in life.


	3. Wonder (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADOY-Wonder

Bobby yawned and stretched his arms on a bed that was just tad too small for his growing frame. It was only when he woke up that he remembered where he was at. He moved all the way to Seoul to chase his dream, leaving behind his heart and his home back in Virginia. A single tear rolled down his cheek, he still couldn’t adjust to living so far away from his mother. He missed her playful nagging and her usual warm hug before he went to bed, but most of all he missed the warmth he felt when they’re together. It had only been three days and it already felt like forever.

Bobby’s aunt and her family had been more than accommodating, they treated him like he was their own. They showered him with the love that he missed, took care of him while he waited for the day to move to the designated dorm for the trainee. Each tearful video calls had given him the strength to achieve the dream for his family, even when it still seemed so far away. 

Bobby dragged himself out of bed, it was not usual for him to get up so early as he was still adjusting to the new time zone. He figured he would take a relaxing walk in the neighbourhood before heading to YG to start his trainee phase. 

The cold wintery air felt like a thousand slaps to his cheeks. His breath turned into smoke and his fingers were starting to numb the moment he stepped outside the house. Bobby looped the thick scarf over his mouth and nose and zipped up his favorite purple hoodie under the thick oversized bubble jacket he got for super cheap at a secondhand bazaar near his aunt’s place.

His walked and walked without much thought, mind full of anxiety and excitement at the same time, thinking of what would he encounter on his first day of joining this huge company. He knew he had to work hard for his debut, he promised himself to buy his mom a present when that day would come. 

His feet took him to one of the small parks in Hangang riverside. The park was deserted aside from a few elderly who was doing a brisk morning walk. The weather was definitely a bit too chilly for anyone to enjoy, but Bobby decided to sit on one of the steps overlooking the seemingly frozen river. He wrapped his fingers on the hotpack as he prayed to God to light his path as he entered a new chapter of his life. 

*******

“Hi, my name is Kim Jiwon, but you can call me Bobby.” The bunny teeth boy smiled so brightly.

Hanbin and another trainee named Jinhwan had just finished rehearsing a new dance under the watchful eye of the dance trainer. They were talking about what to get for dinner—they would most likely end up at the company's cafeteria to save money— when a fresh faced boy with a faint red stained tshirt came into the room to greet them.

“Boys, Bobby here just joined the company as trainee yesterday. You three will be training together from now on, and he will be staying at your dorm as well, so I expect you guys to get along, okay? He just came all the way from Virginia, so you guys might be able to practice English with each other as well. Hanbin, you can help Bobby with the dance routine and Jinhwan, you can help him adjust to the rules as trainees. You boys take care of each other and don’t fight, araso?” 

Under the harsh light of the training studio, they were sizing each other up. Hanbin with his tigerbin stare and Jinhwan with his curious gaze. Bobby met Hanbin’s glare and he almost averted his gaze, but then Bobby got curious at this boy who looked so familiar somehow. Bobby wasn’t really intimidated, but rather intrigued with such a piercing gaze from this sweet looking boy. 

Jinhwan introduced himself first,

“Hi Bobby, My name is Kim Jinhwan. I’m the hyung to this boy right here,” he said so as he tapped Hanbin’s back to stop him from glaring too much. “You can call me me Jinani or Jinhwan hyung, whichever you prefer. So your family moved to Seoul from Virginia? Can you tell us a bit more about yourself?” Jinhwan tried his best to melt the tension.  


“Ah, I came here by myself, my whole family is still in Virginia, but I have my aunt’s family here with me. I used to live in Seoul around Yeonamdong area until I was around 9 years old, before I moved to the United States. Ummm.. what else.. I love to rap, I hope to be a great rapper someday. I learned to rap from listening to a lot of hip hop legends such as Tupac, Biggie, and Wu-Tang Clan. Oh, as you can see from my shirt, I’m a fan of Dynamic Duo. I also am a huge fan of Tiger JK and of course GD and TOP hyung,.. I’m not good in singing nor dancing, and I hope you guys will guide me too. Please take care of me well.” He smiled once again and bowed a little to show his respect. 

As soon as Hanbin heard the word “rapper”, his eyes instantly lit up. He hadn’t introduced himself yet, but thousand lightbulbs sort of went on in his head the moment he saw Bobby smiled the second time. Hanbin noticed how Bobby’s dimples matched his own, and his expression immediately softened. For all those times he had to spend mingling in the adult world, one thing he learned early on was that not all smiles were sincere. Bobby’s however, was as genuine as all smiles should be. Hanbin felt instant connection and just knew right then and there that they would be best friends.

“Hi Bobby, my name is Kim Hanbin. I prefer to be called Hanbin, but you can also call me BI. Let’s be friends,” Hanbin grinned.


	4. Wonder (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ADOY-Wonder

Bobby turned off the alarm and groaned, he managed to turn it off before it woke up the other two boys he shared the small bedroom with. He rolled over to the side to see his two friends who were still sleeping soundly. Tiredness etched on their faces, Bobby wondered if his looked the same. 

The clock was showing 5:30 AM. It was their shoot day that day, meaning that they had to follow the gruelling Mix and Match filming and training schedule that started at 6:30 AM until 1:30 AM at the latest. If it weren’t for his fellow trainees, who he had already considered as brothers at this point, he wouldn’t last longer in what they all nicknamed as “dungeon hellhole”. Bobby stared blankly at the ceiling, reminiscing on the early days of their friendship.

The moment Bobby opened up about Pooh had come earlier than expected, even to himself. He had planned to keep it a secret from all the other boys; but one night when there were just the three of them, Jinhwan, Hanbin, and himself, Bobby felt that he could trust them more than any other friends he ever had.

_Hanbin was laying on Bobby’s side of the bed, playing around with Bobby’s fingers as he tried his hardest to fight the sleepiness. _

__

__

_“Your fingers are slightly bigger than mine, why is that Babhyung..,” Hanbin asked sleepily, fingers were squezing and intertwining into Bobby’s as if it was a squishy toy of some sort._

_“All the bigger to hold you with, Hanbinah!” Bobby quoted the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood. Hanbin snuggled in closer under the blanket, whining about being cold and wanting Bobby to share his warmth._

_Jinhwan came into the room to bring them two bowls of instant ramen, all three of them hadn’t had dinner after their routine monthly evaluation._

_“Ah, hyung, why only two bowls?” someone whined._

_“There’s only two left, remind me to grab some from the cafetaria next time. Let’s just eat and sleep, I don’t have much energy left to go to the convenience store to buy more.” Jinhwan placed the bowls on the folded desk in front of their beds._

_“Hyung, you can eat that one. Bin-ah, let’s share this bowl together. Jinani need to eat more so he’ll grow taller.” Jinhwan was getting ready to pinch Bobby’s stomach. “Ey, sorry hyung, kidding, kidding! You’re the tallest of us all. I love you,” Bobby laughed heartily. Bobby and Jinhwan teased each other a lot but they never meant those mean things they said to each other._

_Hanbin didn’t say anything, he just smiled his dimply smile as he pulled the bowl and placed it in between him and Bobby. Bobby waited for him to finish his first bite before scooping some of the noodles himself. _

_They were talking about random things as they happily munched on their measly dinner. For the very first time since coming to Seoul, Bobby felt similar warmth that he missed from his family back home._

_“I need to show you guys something, hold on,” he then went to rummage through their shared storage closet and took something out from his suitcase. It had been exactly 31 days since Bobby held Pooh in his arms, oh how he missed how Pooh felt. _

_“Jinani, Binnie, this is my most treasured possesion, Pooh. My hyung gave this to me when I was a baby, it used to belong to him but he gave it up when I was born. Just like that Dynamic Duo shirt, this means a lot to me. But to compare between the two items is impossible, 'cause I’d do anything to keep Pooh safe. I’ve been keeping this from you guys ‘cause I don’t want you guys to think I’m weird for being so attached to a childhood toy. But yeah, Pooh is my everything.” Bobby breathlessly explained to Hanbin and Jinhwan. He had expected laughter or at the very least judging stares, but all he had gotten was soft smiles from both boys. _

_“Pooh or no Pooh, we love you no matter what, Bobby,” said Jinhwan. _

_Hanbin followed suit by asking if he could try to hold Pooh, “May I see your precious Pooh, Babhyung?”_

_Bobby was glad, he felt all fuzzy and warm inside as he watched his two best friends examining Pooh with such carefulness._

His memory then shifted to another moments from the past, this time they were no longer three but six boys who were working together on the same dream. Bobby remembered the day when he almost gave up, he had packed all his stuff messily inside the only suitcase he owned. 

_Hanbin was leaning next to their bedroom door with a pout, eyes were on the ground, arms were holding onto Pooh tight. He had been trying to convince Bobby to stay, but was only met with a tiny lifeless shrug._

__

__

_“Hanbin, give me my Pooh back. I need to pack him inside.” Bobby said in a monotone voice._

_“…..” _

_“Hanbin, come on. Please?”_

_“Why are you leaving us? Why do you insist on giving up? What about our promises to each other, Babhyung? What about debuting together?…” Hanbin’s voice quivered as he tried to maintain his composure. _

_All Bobby could remember afterwards was Jinhwan coming into the room and hugged him so tightly, followed by Hanbin who was sobbing silently on his shoulder. Yunhyeong, Junhoe, and Donghyuk joined them afterwards and they all ended up sleeping huddled together that night, with Hanbin hugging him tight. The next day, Hanbin had bought him warm fishcakes and brought it to the practice room, even when he would usually get strict about no food allowed while they were on serious practice mode. Bobby got teary eyed and hid his face on the sleeve of his sweaty oversized shirt, before he was pulled into a hug and Bobby buried his face onto Hanbin’s chest and murmured thank you. _

Ever since then, Bobby learned that friendship could evolve into brotherhood, and eventually there was no line between best friends and family. To trust each other with their deepest darkest secrets, to open up about their fears and dreams, and to lean on each other when times were rough and future was uncertain. 

Hanbin stirred in his sleep, usually an indication that he was about to wake up. Both of them had tons of things to do, they still needed to come up with new rap verses for their upcoming SMTM elimination round. Bobby contemplated a bit on whether he should wake Hanbin up. He peeked at Junhoe who was still sleeping soundly on the top bunk. 

Bobby approached Hanbin’s bed carefully, the wooden floor squeaked on that one spot near where Hanbin took off his house slippers. He sat carefully on the bed, nudging Hanbin’s shoulder gently and whispered close to his ear to wake him up. 

Hanbin blinked his eyes a couple of times as he stretched his arms and turned to face the source of his human alarm. The moment he saw who it was, he smiled and whispered softly, 

“Babhyung, I’m up..” Hanbin reached Bobby’s arms and squeezed it gently. 

“Do you want fried eggs for breakfast, Binnie? Or do you want a glass of chocolate milk?” Bobby cooed. He knew how much Hanbin love being babied in the morning, especially when he had only slept so little the night before. 

“Mmmhh…I want choco milk and eggs too..can you make mine sunny side up, please hyungie?” 

“Okay, go get ready while I’m making the breakfast, okay?” Bobby caressed Bin’s slightly rosy cheeks, in which Hanbin responded by leaning his head onto Bobby’s touch, his eyes closing as his arms reached onto Bobby’s waist to hold him closer.

“Cuddle with me a bit before you go make breakfast?” Hanbin pleaded with a sly smile.

“You’re gonna wake Junhoe up, Bin,” he removed Hanbin’s arms from his waist, Hanbin pouted a little. 

“But you already won’t let me touch you when the camera’s on. Now you won’t let me hug you even when the camera’s not on. You’re such a meanie, Babhyung.”

Bobby kissed Hanbin tenderly on the forehead and said, “I hate faking it for the camera too, but you know why we must tone certain things down, Binnie.” Hanbin’s hand rest to the spot where Bobby had just kissed him. 

“I’ll go make our breakfast okay, we only have an hour or so to work on our rap verses before the boys will be awake and we have to start filming. Wear a warm hoodie today okay, Bin? It’s chilly outside.”

“Okay Babhyung,” Hanbin’s hand still rested on his forehead. It was not until Bobby had left the room that Hanbin took his hand off his forehead and kissed the palm where it touched Bobby’s kiss earlier.


	5. Crocus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again - Lenny Kravitz

“I’ve seen you performed back when I was in Virginia,” Bobby said all of a sudden. Hearing that sudden confession, Hanbin froze and his eyes widened. He dropped the straw to the chocolate milkshake he was sipping. 

“For real?” Hanbin let out a nervous laugh and started to twiddle with his hands. All he wanted was to clung on Bobby and played with his nape but the filming crew were everywhere and he promised to tone down their skinships in front of other people. 

“Yeah, seeing you performed reminded me of my own dream. I was really envious of you back then, being able to perform on stage at such a young age. You looked so awesome in my eyes.” Bobby stared into his eyes as he poured out his sincere compliment.

“How come you never told me this?” Hanbin averted his eyes and stared at their touching knees, fingers finally found a piece of script paper that he could fidget with. 

“I guess the topic never came up? I realized it a couple days after we met, but back then we weren’t that close so I figured I shouldn’t bring it up in our already awkward ‘getting to be friends’ stage. Remember when you let me called you hyung for a week instead of letting me know that you’re younger than me? We’re a bunch of idiots.” Bobby laughed heartily.

Hanbin looked at Bobby with a soft gaze, lips upturned, there was an apparent crinkle in one of his eyes. Everybody around them knew how fond Hanbin was of Bobby, but no one, not even Jinhwan, understood how Bobby made him all tingly inside. Hanbin had always loved skinships since he was a kid, but skinships with Bobby felt a bit different somehow, and he couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why. 

“Guys, we’re getting ready to shoot in 2 minutes!” One of the crew shouted into the room, signaling the end of the short 15 minutes filming break. One of the new boys, Chanwoo, entered the room and smiled and bowed politely to both Hanbin and Bobby who were sitting on the nearest bench to the door. 

“Hyung, have you had your lunch?” Chanwoo took a seat on the bench while still maintaining a gap between himself and both Bobby and Hanbin. It was quite an unspoken rule at that point, Bobby and Hanbin were glued to each other like a set of clingy twins, and no one aside from Jinhwan could come between them. Even so, Jinhwan had found his own pair of soulmate in Junhoe and spent most times together, although triple Kim bond’s remained the strongest. 

“Yes we have, how about you?” Bobby scooted closer to Chanwoo, unaware of a small pout forming on Hanbin’s lips. 

“Me and Yunhyeong hyung went to eat ramen at the convenience store, and met others there too. We ended up forming a huge table and shared all the ramens and chips and hotbar we bought.” Chanwoo beamed at both of them. They could tell that Chanwoo was happy that he could finally get along with the others, and both Bobby and Hanbin were glad. Being the youngest amongst the 9 boys competing in Mix and Match, he must’ve felt a bit uneasy somewhat. It was made worse since they were all competing for prestigious spots in the team that was guaranteed debut. Tensions were a bit high in the beginning of their encounter, harsh words were thrown here and there as they grew frustrated of the limited apartment space; not to mention the intense pressure they were under at all times. It was Jinhwan, Bobby, and Hanbin who kept them in check; sacrificing their own feelings and worries at times. 

Right on cue, the other boys barged into the room when the PD noona started her countdown. They took a seat on the two adjacent benches, some were still finishing the cold drinks on their hands. Hanbin fidgeting wanting to get closer to Bobby, but Donghyuk swiftly inserted himself in between him and Bobby while smiling slyly. Hanbin was about to open his mouth to say something cheeky but it was cut off by the clapboard cue. 

They shot some scenes of them practicing, which ended up quite disastrous as some were still struggling to perfect the moves 5 days prior to the match. Hanbin couldn’t help himself and spewed some of his sarcastic remarks, in which really made the atmosphere of the shoot quite grim. Collective sighs were heard softly during the small filming break while Hanbin went to the restroom. Bobby knew more than anyone that Hanbin only meant well, but sometimes it would require Bobby to give his two cents to diffuse the tension. 

After receiving instructions on some of the things the shoot would be focusing on the next day, the camera stopped rolling and they were left alone to practice some more. Bobby could see Hanbin’s slight frown and furrowed brows as they sprawled on the floor next to each other. He could sense how this situation was worrying Hanbin. After all, the biggest burden had always been on Hanbin’s shoulder as the unofficial leader. On top of that, they both still had to compete in another reality show and that had been stressing Hanbin more than necessary. Bobby gave a small squeeze on Hanbin’s shoulder, a silent “You can count on me” gesture. Hanbin smiled weakly as he draped his arm over Bobby’s shoulder and mouthed “Thank you.”

≈

That night when everyone was fast asleep after a tiring practice run, Hanbin was the only one wide awake. He kept on patting his chest as he laid in the dark, forehead was slick with tiny beads of anxious sweat. The room where he slept with Bobby and June remained quiet aside from the tick tocking of the alarm clock next to his and Bobby’s adjoined bed frame. Hanbin tossed and turned and found himself staring at Bobby’s sleeping face. He was fighting his urge to caress those soft cheeks, and to touch those plump lips. He wished Bobby was hugging him instead of Pooh, he imagined all those mumbled sleeptalk was Bobby whispering sweet words to calm his anxious heart. 

Hanbin got out of his bed, put on the sweater and beanie that was carelessly thrown on the floor earlier. He felt the need to clear out his head, so he was thinking of heading out to the studio to work on his still unfinished rap verses. He approached Bobby’s bed carefully, crouching down to meet the bed level, timidly extending his arm to stroke Bobby’s hair that was falling onto his face. Bobby stirred in his sleep, Pooh fell from the bed as he moved to lay on his back with arms outstretched. Hanbin took it off the floor and nuzzled it back onto Bobby’s arms. 

“Bobby hyung, I can’t sleep. I’m off to the studio for a bit. You shouldn’t toss and turn so much, you let Pooh fell.. Bobby hyung, I..” Hanbin didn’t finish his sentence, he just let his fingers touched Bobby’s gently. He brushed the calluses on Bobby’s knuckles, and let his fingers roamed to tickle the underside of Bobby’s hand. Hanbin kissed the slightly larger palm and let his lips lingered there for a while. Bobby was still asleep while he did so, Hanbin was sure of it. He murmured “See you in a bit, Hyung,” and turned away to leave the room quietly. Bobby opened his eyes and stared at the silhouette of the boy illuminated by the living room light before the door was closed completely. 

≈

“Hey, have you guys seen Hanbin?” Bobby asked casually as he munched on the snack he took from Hanbin’s hidden stash inside the studio. He gave up squeezing into the tight seating space that would fit the camera shot and took a seat on the floor instead. 

“He’s not inside the studio, Bob?” Jinhwan was busy fixing his hair on the practice mirror, he just had a haircut the day before and his bangs were not looking the way he wanted it to look.

“Nah, I checked. I was awake — Ugh..I mean he wasn’t in his bed when I woke up, so naturally I assumed he came here to work on some stuff. Maybe he’s back at the dorm to shower or something, you guys didn’t see him?” Bobby was starting to worry but he kept his cool.

“The dorm was empty when we left, Hyung.” Donghyuk took a seat next to a visibly worried Yunhyeong.

“He’s not in the dorm either…?” Bobby’s questions were cut off by the cue from the PD noona, the camera were set to roll in 10 seconds countdown. She made a gesture for them to “keep on talking about Hanbin” and everyone nodded at her before they looked around at each other in slight confusion. 

“Is this a hidden camera prank?” Jinhwan asked to the crew. Bobby could tell through his voice that Jinhwan started to be seriously concerned. 

“Why would anyone do that? It’s no one’s birthday or anything, there’s nothing special,” Yunhyeong could no longer hide his unease. 

“We saw him earlier this morning because we both had come sooner to practice together, but he left soon after,” Chanwoo answered the question from one of the PDs. 

Bobby bit his lip and pretended to throw away the empty chips packet so he could get out of frame for a bit. He walked over to Jinhwan who was crouched in the corner and was texting Hanbin asking about his whereabout. They looked at each other, and Bobby knew that Jinhwan had not gotten any reply. 

There was no choice but to stop the shoot as they couldn’t progress with the show rundown without Hanbin there. The minute the camera stopped rolling, Bobby went inside the studio and tried to call Hanbin. His free hand were fiddling on the keyboard, clicking on the keys typing mash up letters. 

“C’mon Hanbin, pick up, what the hell,” he mumbled to himself.

Jinhwan and Junhoe entered the room, “Got any luck, Bob?”

“Still trying, where did he go anyway, he can’t be that faraway from here. Have you tried calling his mom, Jinani?” 

“I did, she said she didn’t hear anything from him and asked what’s wrong. I had to bluff a little, I didn’t want to worry her unnecessarily without us being sure he’s indeed missing..it’s just that he’s never done this, running away from responsibility.” Jinhwan observed Bobby’s troubled face and asked, “You’re sure you didn’t know anything, Bob? Junhoe told me he caught you waking up right after Hanbin left the room this morning. Junhoe was woken up when he heard the door creaked open.”

“I..well…yeah. I heard him saying he’s going to come here this morning.”

“Then..why did you pretend you didn’t know earlier?” Jinhwan’s tone of voice increasingly became suspicious.

“I don’t know, hyung.. We made an agreement to not show too much skinship on camera after last week’s shoot was reviewed by Sajangnim. I guess for me it kinda meant not showing too much attachment too..” Bobby looked away from Jinhwan’s questioning gaze. 

Jinhwan didn’t say anything afterwards and ruffled Bobby’s hair softly. Junhoe who was watching silently, finally said his piece, “Hyung, you know, I don’t think you should let Sajangnim’s word affect your friendship with Hanbin on camera. If anything, it looks even weirder seeing you two longingly gaze at each other from a distance,” he chuckled. 

Bobby smiled weakly at Junhoe. His 5th call had went straight to voicemail. It was either the phone battery went out, or Hanbin had just rejected his call.

“Try texting him, Bob. Me and Junhoe will try to look for him around the area. Let me know if you manage to contact him.” Both left the room and Bobby was left alone in his thought. He kept on writing and deleting his words, finally settling on a simple, _Hanbin, where are you? We’re all waiting_; and hit send. 

≈

“Sorry I made you guys worry.” Hanbin grinned as he watched each of them munching on the ice cream he had bought earlier. He was trying to avoid looking directly at Bobby. Bobby himself had been acting nonchalant since the camera started rolling 10 minutes earlier, although he managed to steal some glances at Hanbin’s weary face since the moment he entered the practice room with a shy apologetic smile on his face. 

Hanbin was aware that Bobby eyes were boring at him, but Hanbin really felt like he would break down the moment they make eye contact, so he avoided it until the camera would be turned off. He distracted himself by joking with the others, painfully aware that every instinct in his body was telling him to seek comfort from Bobby. Unconsciously he scooted closer and closer to where Bobby was sitting, questioning when would the shoot end in his mind. He was tired both mentally and physically, and secretly wishing he could just doze off right then and there. 

“And…cut! Good job everyone! Get some rest as we have early shoot tomorrow, and Hanbin, please don’t make us worry like that ever again?” PD noona pleaded jokingly. 

Hanbin bowed deeply to all of the crew members, apologizing profusely to the hyungs and noonas for delaying the shoot earlier. The crew dispersed after showering Hanbin with pats on the shoulders and warm words of encouragement. Bobby and Jinhwan stood by Hanbin’s side, apologizing on his behalf as well and bowed to the crew as they exited the practice room, leaving just the nine boys behind.

Hanbin felt a tinge of jealousy when he saw Bobby went out the room with Donghyuk without any words. He thought Bobby was mad at him and that worsen his mood even further. Hanbin couldn’t hide his disappointment. He put on his best fake smile and said, 

“I’m just gonna be in the studio for a bit. You guys don’t have to wait for me, it’s not gonna be long. I just have this itching melody in my head that I need to get out.” 

He naively thought that he managed to convince Jinhwan of what he thought was an “Oscar worthy performance”; when in reality Jinhwan had caught every flinch of his lies. Hanbin entered the studio and sat on Bobby’s favorite chair, sighing and frowning and just wishing he could just shut his feelings off. 

The studio felt oddly colder than usual, but he didn't know that it was his body acting up after spending hours at the chilly park. Hanbin could hear the chatter dissipated as the boys left to go back to the dorm. Head pounding and eyelids heavy with fatigue, he desperately wanted to lay in his warm bed and cocooned himself under the thick blanket. He pressed his eyes using his palms to numb away the headache that started to get worsen. For a split second, he suddenly felt so deeply ashamed of running away, but then his wandering thought was cut short by a soft husky voice calling his name,

“Hanbinah, you’re here?” A familiar face showed up next to the frosty glass door and Hanbin almost couldn't contain his overdue tears.

“I..am here, Babhyung,” he could feel his voice wavering. “I thought you left to go home with Dongi, why are you still here?”

Hanbin must had worn quite an interesting expression that it made Bobby laughed so hard. 

“What’s so funny?” Hanbin frowned and muttered under his breath.

“Your face, you should have seen your face. You’re so cute, Hanbin.” Bobby closed the door and finally they were alone in the quiet, almost soundproof studio. Hanbin could hear his own heartbeat, wondering if Bobby could hear it too and knew that he was nervous. He couldn’t read Bobby’s emotion, but he was already preparing for the worse.

“Jinhwan told me you’d be here, I was waiting for you outside in the cold. Dongi ran straight home ‘cos he has stomachache, I was just lending him my t-money to buy Whal Myung Su next door ‘cos he didn’t bring his wallet. What made you think I’ll leave without asking you to come with, you silly?” Bobby took a seat at the wall bench, he pulled the chair Hanbin was sitting on towards him so they could talk face to face. 

“You didn't leave me to go home with Dong?” Hanbin half whispered his question. He looked down at his own hands, who miraculously had already found a piece of paper that was fast turning into little tiny paper balls that showered his feet. 

“Hey, what made you think I would leave you..?” Bobby asked softly. “And can you look at me when we talk? You’ve been avoiding my eyes ever since you came back.” Hanbin felt a gentle pull on his chin, guiding him to look straight forward.

All Hanbin could see was a pair of warm brown eyes, looking at him so tenderly. He didn’t sense any animosity, and that was when Hanbin finally broke down in quiet little sobs. Hanbin felt two strong arms pulling him into a warm embrace, a hug that he so desperately needed and wanted since that early morning. Or maybe even way earlier than that. 

“Hey hey, it’s okay.. You can always count on me, remember that? Don’t shoulder things alone, two is better than one, that’s what we promised to each other, didn’t we?” 

Pain and confusion were still etched on Hanbin’s face, and bobby cant help but to pull him into a tighter hug, almost cradling him at this point. Hanbin buried his face on the crook of Bobby’s neck, no longer seated on the chair, he was perched on top of Bobby’s lap. 

Bobby didn’t say anything, clumsily was caressing Hanbin’s head. This was all new to him too, never had he ever treated someone this way, pampering someone the way he was doing to Hanbin. Bobby felt a pang of guilt for pretending to be sleeping earlier, if only he had comforted Hanbin that morning, maybe Hanbin wouldn’t had runaway.

“It was something I had no control over, this feeling of defeat. I’m disappointed at myself for not being able to overcome it. I feel so small, and my head was in chaos. And I feel extremely guilty for thinking that..maybe..I was the only one..suffering,” said Hanbin with a small voice, scrambling to get the words out. He tilted his head up to look at Bobby’s reaction, and what he got in return was a deeply soft hum that reverberated through the chest he was leaning on. 

“I’m sorry, hyung.” His voice trailed off as he finally stared into Bobby’s eyes. 

“Hanbin..” Bobby gazed into the pretty brown eyes in front of him, he never told Hanbin but he always loved the way it looked, the way it glazed under the sun. 

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. That’s a quote from Pooh by the way, I’m not that poetic,” Bobby smiled at him, “I’ll always be right here for you, don’t run away anymore ‘cos I will always find you.”

Hanbin tried so hard to hold back more tears that his throat hurt. He just nodded and returned the smile while tightening his grip on Bobby’s shirt, almost causing it to stretch. 

“Ahh, see? You look so pretty when you smile.” Bobby grinned as he lovingly run his hand on Hanbin’s back, comforting him the way his mother used to do when he was little. 

“Promise you won’t disappear like that ever again?” 

“I promise, Bobby hyung. I love you.”

“I love you too, Hanbin.” 

≈

Hanbin fell asleep on Bobby’s lap, his long legs curled on the bench while his head laid on top of Bobby’s bony thighs. A purple jacket was draped over his lean frame, offering a bit of warmth and familiar scent. It was nothing like the plush and warm bed that was waiting at the dorm, but Hanbin much prefer this set up instead. He felt like he was sleeping on clouds. 

Bobby texted Jinhwan with his one free hand, his other was securely held by a pair of smaller hands that clung onto his index finger. 

_Jinan hyung, Bin’s here with me. Don’t worry, we’ll return home before sunrise. Good night Jinani, don’t let the bed bug Junhoe bites._

Bobby took off his beanie and tuck it on the wall behind him as a makeshift cushion as sleepiness started to creep in. Suddenly a melody came into his head as he glanced at Hanbin’s sleeping face. He hummed the tune softly to record it on his phone and titled the file, “Lean on me” and went on to dreamland with his younger buddy.


	6. Mon Chéri D'Amour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> realization.
> 
> song recommendation: CARL STORM - WITH YOU IN THE MORNING

Hanbin was running in a deep dark tunnel. Arms flailing helplessly, trying to make sense of his surrounding. It was silent aside from a deep thrumming sound that seemingly came out of nowhere. He could see a tiny speck of light in the distance and ran so hard towards it that his legs were starting to ache. His fingers were numb, breath steadily creating wisps of smoke in the air. 

He ran and ran, but the light seemed to move even further away. “Please..somebody, help me,” he whispered into nothingness. He felt coldness in his bones, in his brains, he mind started to go blank. He wanted to give up and balled up hugging his knees on the cold cement floor. All he wanted was to shut down, to drown in the cold and darkness of this never ending walkway.

Something brushed up his leg, a furry creature of some sort. Hanbin opened his eyes and heard it whimpered. He couldn’t see what it was, but he felt its soft tail brushing the back of his arm, as if urging him to follow it.

Hanbin groaned as he steadied himself on his feet. He felt sudden warmth enveloping his entire body, and he felt calmed somehow. This tiny creature was waiting on him, its small hind legs thumping in a hurried manner. “Araso, I’ll follow you..” Hanbin spoke to it as if it was capable of understanding. But then, he could’ve sworn that he saw a little nod. 

_I must be hallucinating, or dreaming? Where am I anyway?_ He followed this thing into the light. Weirdly enough, he seemed to be making a progress this time. He could see the light turning bigger and bigger, and he could hear laughter coming from it. A husky sounding laughter, his favorite sound from one of his favorite person. He tried to quickened his pace, but his feet seemed to not want to move properly. 

He felt like at a standing still once again, until the thing came back for him and hopped on his feet. Hanbin took it into his arms gently, and it nuzzled its nose on his chest. And although this creature weighed quite a bit, his steps felt a lot lighter somehow. 

Hanbin could smell a familiar scent wafting in the air as he was approaching the light slowly but surely. No longer a tiny dot in a distance, he could now clearly see a silhouette of a boy, carrying a huge suitcase. The boy seemed to be carrying an old plush toy, clearly tattered and a bit disfigured and Hanbin knew it well. 

“Bobby hyung! Where are you going!” Hanbin called out to the boy. 

“Ah, Hanbin!” The boy waved his arms as if saying goodbye. “I’m leaving for the States! My job here is done! I won the contest Hanbin! I can finally come home to my family and friends!”

“But we’re your family too hyung! You’re my brother! I thought you wanted to bring your parents back to Seoul! Why are you leaving us, why are you leaving me! Hyung!” Hanbin half ran, hoping he would be able to convince Bobby from leaving. Maybe he could cling on Bobby’s waist, on his arms, he would do anything to prevent Bobby from going away. 

“Thanks for all the good times, Hanbin. But I’ve had enough. You are just a friend Hanbin, I have a real brother remember?” Bobby said that as he turned his back to Hanbin and walked away.

“Bobby hyung!” Hanbin screamed at the top of his lungs and woke up on his sweat-soaked bed.

The bedroom was dimly lit from the sunlight behind the curtain next to Bobby’s bed. He was all by himself, yet he knew he shouldn’t be. His mind started to recall what happened last night, and he was so sure that day should be another filming day. The blanket that had been tucked in neatly around him earlier fell onto to the cold hardwood floor as he staggered himself to wash his face at the bathroom sink.

Hanbin splashed cold water onto his pale face, dark circles were apparent under his tired eyes. One hand was gripping on the marble counter, while the other rubbed the face harshly in an attempt to wake himself up. He felt a bit nauseous, cold sweat starting to form on his forehead. 

His knuckles whitened as his grip tightened. He tried to steady himself but the entire room started to spin. He ran to the toilet and threw up violently, body started shivering out of control.

“Hanbin..? You’re in the bathroom?” 

Hanbin could hear the voice getting closer.

“Hanbin..!” 

Hanbin felt two strong arms swooping in to hold him, one on his forehead to prevent him from knocking himself onto the porcelain, while one rested on his waist, occasionally rubbing on his back whenever he stopped retching onto the now nasty looking toilet bowl. 

Bobby helped clean Hanbin’s mouth using a damp towel once he was done emptying the content of his stomach, and gave him a nice clean shirt to turn into. 

“Ugh..i feel awful hyung..hyung..bobby hyung..” Hanbin whined as he was half carried to the bed. 

“You have a fever, Hanbin. That’s what you get for staying outside for hours in a chilly weather, wearing only a thin sweater you doofus.”

“But you do it all the time and you’re fine…” Hanbin laid on the bed and squirmed when Bobby tried to tuck the blanket around him. 

“That’s ‘cos I eat spicy stuff all the time, it keeps me warm.” Bobby answered nonchalantly. He tried to remove Hanbin’s stubborn hands that were clinging on his waist.

“Doesn’t even make sense..” Hanbin chuckled weakly. Much to Hanbin’s delight, Bobby intertwined his hand into his, while Bobby’s other hand was gently wiping the beads of sweat off of Hanbin’s forehead with his own hoodie sleeve. Hanbin felt..butterflies in his stomach, no— he could’ve sworn it was hummingbirds instead. 

“I tucked you in neatly last night, why was the blanket on the floor this morning? Did you kick it off or something?” Bobby continued to caress Hanbin’s face, as if he was the most precious person Bobby had ever encountered. Seeing Hanbin with glassy eyes and slightly shivering lips, Bobby wished he could pour out all of his affection to make his best friend feel better. He’d share the sickness if he could, he’d kiss the throbbing headache away if he could— and in the back of his mind he wondered if that was even a normal reaction to a friend being sick. 

“I had a bad dream. A very bad dream.. I don’t want to tell you it, though..”—Hanbin just stared at Bobby while he leaned into the touch—“Aren’t you supposed to be filming?”

“I ran away—“

“Bobby hyung!”

“Just let me finish. PD Noona let me leave early ‘cos I told them I need to help you prepare for our match tomorrow. You have to get better, Hanbinnie.. I’ll nurse you back to health myself using my extraordinary skill.” Bobby smiled his warm crescent eyed smile, Hanbin’s favorite.

Hanbin didn’t say anything but smiling back at his most favorite human. He felt so loved, so blissful even when his head was pounding and his nose was starting to feel stuffy. 

“Hey are you still cold, Binnie? You’re shivering.”—Bobby fixed the blanket and cover him up until his chin—“Wait here, I’ll go grab you Tylenol and something to eat.” Bobby was hesitant at first but he proceeded to move his face closer and closer to Hanbin’s until their forehead touched.

“What..are you..doing..hyung..” Hanbin squeaked his disbelief, eyes were staring at Bobby’s intently, unconsciously licking his own lips as Bobby inched closer and closer. 

“Ah, my grandma always checks my temperature this way, you’re burning up, Hanbin. Should I put cold towel over your head as well?” Bobby retreated his head back before Hanbin could even process the situation. 

“Wait here I’ll be right back.”

Hanbin was left in the bedroom alone once again. Pulse racing for no reason, _Am I going to die_, he thought dramatically. He patted his chest as an attempt to calm himself down, but all he could think of was how plump Bobby’s lips were looking, and that made his heart beat even harder.

Bobby came back with a tall glass of warm water, Tylenol, and a roll of kimbap from their provided lunch earlier. A basin and a hand towel were tucked under his arm as he swiftly closed the door with his foot. Bobby helped propped Hanbin’s head with such gentleness as Hanbin took the medicine, wincing in the process because he hated taking medicines, and was then shoved kimbap into his mouth while Bobby filled the basin with cold water in their bathroom sink.

“Finish that kimbap or I won’t let you sleep, Hanbin!” Bobby wringed the cold towel and placed it gently on Hanbin’s forehead. Making extra unnecessary measures to make sure it was placed well. A small smile emerged from Hanbin’s lips, but it was so quick that Bobby didn’t catch it.

“But I’m not hungry…” he rubbed both of his eyes, half kimbap still hanging from his mouth. He looks really soft bathed under the soft light filtering from the curtain. The alarm clock next to the their beds is showing 12:21 PM, they still got plenty of time to do some finishing touch on their songs for tomorrow but to do that Hanbin needed to sleep soon.

“Binnie, don’t rub your eyes like that. My mom told me it will cause your eyeballs to pop out.” He gently tugged Hanbin’s hand away from his face. Hanbin wasting no chance to grab onto Bobby’s and pulled Bobby closer.

“Cuddle with me, it’ll help me sleep better.” Hanbin tugged and tugged Bobby’s hand playfully. 

“I will after you finish that kimbap.” 

Reluctantly Hanbin chewed and chewed, with Bobby by his side watching on him like a hawk, or so he thought, when his face was displaying that of a concerned lover. At the back of his mind, Bobby was starting to realize how much he loved pampering Hanbin. _How can I not be, Hanbin’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Oh my god, what am I thinking. Bobby, stop!_

“Done, hyung..” Hanbin’s mouth was full with kimbap, cheeks puffed up like a squirrel with its acorn. 

“Good job, Hanbinnie!” Bobby squeezed on Hanbin’s cheeks lovingly, resisting the urge to squish and pinch and _kiss it? Bobby, I swear you’re going crazy,_ he said to himself.

Without saying much words, Hanbin tugged on the rest of Bobby to lay under his blanket. Hanbin squirmed a little before finding the most comfortable position as he rested his head on Bobby’s shoulder and arms cuddled onto Bobby’s hard chest. Bobby’s arms enveloped Hanbin’s slightly smaller frame, softly patting on his back to the rhythm of the “Lean On Me” file he had recorded the night earlier.

~

Ever since that night, Bobby and Hanbin had been spending nights sleeping together on each other’s bed. They often do so when they knew that the camera had been turned off, seeking comfort from each other as they laid in bed talking for hours about the future. Sometimes Hanbin would crawl into Bobby’s bed to sleep in his arms even when Bobby had already fallen asleep. Limbs tangling under the sheet, sharing warmth after a long day of practice and recording.

Their roommate Junhoe, was no longer fazed by the scene. He was so used to it that he simply didn’t question nor react at all to them sharing beds together. Sometimes he even opted to crash on Jinhwan’s bed as he felt like he was intruding on the duo’s private moments. But then Junhoe didnt mind, he loved bothering Jinhwan as much as he was obsessed with Michael Jackson when he was little.

Tonight had been the night before Bobby’s big final SMTM match. He was calm and collected, although his mind was replaying the verses of the song he was going to perform in an endless loop. Hanbin laid by his side; no longer in the competition, he was definitely not as stressed as he was before. Hanbin ended his run with a successful number one single, and Bobby couldn’t be any prouder.

“It will be alright, hyung, don’t worry..” Hanbin whispered softly as they both were stubbornly fighting sleep.

“I know. Thanks Binnie..” Bobby tightened his hug on Hanbin, their heads laid next to each other on the shared pillow. Bobby’s eyes were so heavy with fatigue, he started to drift into slumber as he was doing so. 

“Hyung, remember that dream I refused to tell you? It was of you, and me. In a deep dark tunnel. I dreamt of you leaving us after winning this contest. You won’t ever do that right, Bobby..hyung?” Hanbin could feel Bobby stirred in his sleep and started mumbling, and he turned to look that his hyung had fallen asleep. 

“I already know you won’t. Two is better than one.” Hanbin kissed Bobby’s cheek softly. He was patting on his own chest as he processed this feeling. It was against everything he thought he knew, but it felt oh so right. Hanbin stroked Bobby’s cheeks softly, whispering “Good luck, Kim Jiwon” before he snuggled right back into the loving arm of his hyung.

~

Hanbin was clutching a note that he found on his bed this morning, teary eyed and swelling with pride:

_Together we can fly anywhere. - POOHBOB _

as he and the boys watched their best friend won SMTM and created history as the first idol rapper to do so. Tears fell onto Hanbin’s cheeks as Bobby said his winning speech, “Mom, I got 1st place. I’ll buy a house soon, so start packing now!” and smiled his happiest smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Bobby. Let's be happy ;)


	7. Can I Keep You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendation: Finding Hope - JDS (Fantasy)

“When will you be back?” asked Hanbin with a bit of a disgruntled tone. He had been trying to find ways to stay cheerful since early morning but could no longer hide his somber mood ever since he saw Bobby starting to pack for his trip to Thailand to shoot the Sprite commercial. It was only two of them inside the dorm, the rest of the boys were still at the practice room; preparing themselves for their impending debut in mere months.

“Um..Jaeho hyung said to pack for 4 days so maybe I’ll be back by Saturday? I don’t really know Hanbin,” Bobby answered as he threw some of his toiletries carelessly into his suitcase. 

“You must be happy, you will be spending time with a lot of pretty girls, right Bobby hyung? I heard Kang Sora Sunbaenim will be the model.. She’s pretty, right, hyung?” Hanbin was fidgeting with his hoodie’s sleeves, twisting and tugging on it until it looked like a wilted spinach that had been boiled way too long.

Bobby laughed when he heard Hanbin’s ridiculous question. “Don’t sulk silly, I’ll ask for her autograph for you. I know how much you liked her in Sunny,” said Bobby as he sat next to Hanbin and run his fingers through Hanbin’s tangled hair softly. Something tugged at Bobby’s heartstring, a sort of fondness that had always been lingering in the back of his heart. Ready to surface at the slightest disturbance, a ripple that turned into a full blown wave that was starting to bother his conscience.

His fingers grazed through the back of the head all the way to Hanbin’s nape, causing Hanbin to squirm a little, suppressing his contented sigh. 

“That’s not what I was sulking about Bobby hyung, how can you be so dense sometimes—“

Hanbin was about to whine some more but Bobby was suddenly distracted with a phone call from his mom. 

“Eomma..waeyo?” Bobby gave Hanbin a “give me one second” gesture as he stepped out of the room to answer the call while making his way to the kitchen to grab some more snacks for the plane ride. 

Hanbin threw himself back on Bobby’s bed, sighing loudly to the silence in the room, messing up his hair even more as he ruffled his hair furiously. He was frustrated with himself, the weird conflicted pent up feeling he had. On one hand he was happy. On the other hand however, he couldn’t hide his jealousy and uneasiness of being apart. Like a persistent itch that lingered under his skin, he felt the need to scratch it ’til it bleeds. The thought of his Hyung spending time for days under the hot sun with beautiful ladies, dripping with sweat, looking gorgeous in all his muscle glory, was slowly making his blood boil and his inner turmoil. 

“Pooh, what should I do?” _And now I’m asking advice from an inanimate object, Hanbinah, you’ve gone crazy._ He fiddled with Pooh’s arms, twiddling the hole between the tattered doll shirt. And just like that he got a brilliant idea. 

He removed the yellow hoodie he was wearing in a swift motion, folded it neatly and tucked it inside the very bottom of Bobby’s messy suitcase. He removed the shirt Bobby had packed earlier, his sleep shirt. With a sly smile, he laid back down onto the bed, and calmly waited for Bobby to finish his phone call.

“My mom wanted me to bring her tons of Thai dried squid to give to our relatives,” Bobby frowned as he tossed several cans of Pringles and packaged fruit gummies into the sloppily packed yellow suitcase. 

“Everything I own will smell seafood-y when I come home,” he gagged at the thought of it, prompting a small smile on Hanbin’s lips. 

“Bobby hyung, you have to pack more neatly—“ he wiggled his body closer to the edge of the bed where Bobby sat—“and bring those huge ziploc bags to keep the smell away..” 

Slyly, Hanbin wrapped his arms around Bobby’s waist and rested his chin on Bobby’s shoulder while Bobby was vacantly staring at the disastrous content of his suitcase. Bobby felt a tingle on his spine, followed by soft pecks on his bare shoulders. He’s so used to clingy Hanbin by now that he just let him be, and deep down inside, Bobby was loving all the excessive touches. 

Throughout his past relationships, never had he ever encountered someone as touchy as Hanbin. It was usually the other way around. But then again, all those past relationships were puppy love, flittering feelings that lasted for a short while and dissipated as his feelings cooled down. This time around, both boys were young, but it felt like their souls had been with each other for a long long time.

A pair of cold hands started to slither inside his shirts, seeking body warmth that Bobby seemed to radiate all year round. That was when Bobby noticed that Hanbin no longer wore his hoodie, so he had to ask,

“Ah, I threw it in the wash. Have worn it for two days in a row now, it reeks of my scent,” Hanbin answered as he wiggled his hands inside Bobby’s worn out muscle top.

“Hanbin, it tickles, hajima..” said Bobby. But as always, he didn’t mean it. 

“I wish I can go with you..” Hanbin buried his face on Bobby’s upper back, nuzzling on the pronounced dip between the shoulder blades right where his life motto was etched permanently in a circular pattern, “I’m thinking of getting a tattoo too, Bobby hyung.”

“What are you gonna get?” Bobby turned his head to the side and was a bit taken aback when he saw Hanbin’s lips were so close to his. _It looks so plump,_ he thought absentmindedly.

“I don’t know yet. Will you help me choose when you come back?” His arms tightened on Bobby’s waist.

“Sure..” Bobby felt hot breath on his neck, he wasn’t about to complain even when it was making him all tingly inside.

“Bobby, will you go the beach with me, when you come back? Just the two of us. Before we get too busy after we debut as iKON..” Hanbin could feel the desperation on his voice, he knew Bobby wouldn’t say no but he still was scared of being rejected, a complex of his that he knew he had to fix.

“I’ll go with you anywhere, Hanbin,” Bobby looked straight into Hanbin’s eyes after he managed to shimmy himself out of Hanbin’s tight backhug. 

Bobby reached out to Hanbin’s fingers and touched their index fingers together.

“Always, right?” Bobby glanced up to see Hanbin smiling at him. 

“Always.” And Hanbin threw himself into Bobby’s warm hug once again. 

~~~~~~~ 

The hot sticky weather was making Bobby feel a bit sleepy. All the sugary drinks he consumed during the shoot didn’t help either. It was Bobby’s second day on set, and he already got through most of the hard choreographed parts that were scheduled to be done that day. What was left on the agenda was a scene with the leading actress, Kang Sora. Bobby was at ease because they had good chemistry during yesterday’s filming, completely eliminating his worries of being casted alongside a popular sunbae in the industry. He could already hear the bed calling his name, but he knew he was still hours away from crashing into one.

Bobby sat next to some props, cold towels on his shoulder, squinting his eyes trying to watch what was going on under the piercing sunlight, waiting for the crew to finish shooting some b-roll footage. His mind was completely elsewhere at the moment, wondering what his brothers were doing at that very moment. The battery to his cellphone was critically low, he forgot to charge it last night so he had no gadget to fiddle with. 

He had nothing to do but people watch, and boy there were a lot of attractive people on set. Several girls had been eyeing him out, casting flirty glances along his way, hoping he’d take the sign and make a move. Unfortunately for them, Bobby only had someone on his mind, and that someone was thousand miles away in chilly Seoul. 

Bobby chuckled to himself when he remembered how jealous Hanbin got when he first heard the job offer from Jaeho hyung. Hanbin even begged the management to participate as an extras, but he was too busy preparing for their debut as iKON. Hanbin’s adorable puppy eyes flashed into Bobby’s mind, imagining how fun it would be if Hanbin was there too. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so lonely.. 

_And then, I’d probably be jealous seeing Hanbin gushing over Sora noona, so—..wait a second..me? Jealous? Am I getting heatstroke from this Thailand heat?_

His wandering mind was cut short by the sound of the megaphone, signalling everybody on set that the shoot was about to start. Bobby took a sip of his almost empty bottle water and did a bit of jumping around to relax his muscles. He slept so badly last night, and it was causing him a bit of a stiff neck. 

_If Hanbin’s here, he will definitely help massage me, _he thought. 

And then the image of a cute dimply smile came to Bobby’s mind, alongside the sound of playful nagging that never failed to warm Bobby’s heart. 

_I miss you, silly._ Bobby sighed. 

_I’m going crazy, really. Bobby, get it together._ He told himself that over and over again while making his way to the center of the set. It was starting to dawn on him, how Hanbin’s presence was as delightful as chugging a bottle of cold water on a sweltering hot summer day. One could do without, but oh it is so satisfying to have. And Bobby liked his water cold—as a matter of fact—he loved it. 

The hair and makeup team were gathering around him, pulling him away from the weird analogies in his mind. And then Bobby was once again back in his professional mode. It was only during these times that he forgot about how much he was missing Hanbin, even when they had only been apart for two nights. Or so he thought. What he failed to realize at that moment, was that without water, one could not survive. And he had been parched since the day he walked into Hanbin's life. 

The filming went on without a hitch, the director was satisfied that everything went smoothly according to schedule. They finished shooting at around sunset, and Bobby headed straight back to his hotel to finally take a well deserved nap.

He spotted some media people packing up their cameras when he was walking to the car, he noticed some of them were taking his and Sora’s picture from the distance. He didn’t think of it much and closed his eyes as soon as the car door closed behind him. 

~~~~~~~

Bobby jolted awake in the dark hotel room, it took him quite a while to realize where he was at. The silent room was the first clue, usually it would be filled with a soft snore from someone whose habit was slipping into his bed uninvited and cuddle with him after Bobby himself had fallen asleep.

The dim LED light from the digital clock by his bedside was showing half past one in the morning. He must had dozed off right after he finished his burger and fries for dinner. His throat felt parched and his entire body was still sticky with sweat and grime from the shoot, so he decided to take a shower to freshen up a little before heading back to sleep. 

"Where’s my phone..?" Bobby fumbled through the darkness, trying to find the shorts he wore earlier that he removed and tossed so carelessly as soon as he entered the room. He stubbed his right toe on the wooden chair leg, “Motherfu..! Ah, there it is.,” he found the shorts draped over the chair and retrieved the phone from its pocket. He tried to turn it on with no success and remembered that the battery was probably already dead since hours ago. He decided to leave it to charge while he took a shower. 

It powered on automatically while he showered and Bobby could hear faint beeps of incoming notifications while he was brushing his teeth. He stepped out of the bathroom with just a towel hanging low on his waist, pissed off that he couldn’t find the shirt he had packed to wear to sleep. Shivering, he jumped inside the thick comforter real quick, pulling it all the way to his chin to fend off the cold blasting air from the AC.

Suddenly, the loneliness was starting to creep in. Like a small stream that was making its way slowly to his heart. Bobby finally felt the unquenchable thirst, the longing to have Hanbin by his side just like the inseparable pair they were. It felt like he had been running barefoot on a hot concrete, and he could no longer control his thirst for a tall glass of icy cold water. He missed the way Hanbin’s body leaned against him, the soft powdery scent and the slightly smaller hands latching onto his nape, breathing softly against his chest in a deep slumber. 

It was unbearable. And it had only been 2 days. 

He grabbed his cellphone from the bedside table, saw several notifications from several missed calls and messages, but one stood out from the rest. It was a link to a news article and it came from Hanbin? They hadn’t talk for the past two days because both were busy and seemed to always missed the timing to each other’s video calls. _Hanbin sent this half an hour ago. Why did he send me an article with no explanation whatsoever?_

Curious, Bobby clicked on the the link and it immediately took him to a page which headline was saying “sexy” and “intimate” alongside a fan taken picture of both him and Sora hugging on set. _That’s it?, he thought. No I miss you or how are you or have you eaten? _

Annoyed, Bobby was still keen on the idea that Hanbin was envious because Bobby got to work with Kang Sora, thinking back to when Hanbin was fanboying over her after they watched Sunny together. _I wish you’d say you miss me instead, Binnie.._ Bobby could feel his slow burn jealousy starting to rear its head.

Bobby wanted to sulk a bit, but it was too late to call Hanbin as Seoul was 2 hours ahead. So Bobby texted him instead,

_I asked for her autograph already, just for you. Are you that mad that I get to meet her and you don’t? _

DELETE

_We were cute, right? *sticking tongue emoji*_

DELETE

_I like hugging you more.._

DELETE

_Don’t you miss me, Binnie?_

DELETE

_..what ? _

SENT

Much to his surprise, it was immediately read. And came a short reply, 

_…when you’re done having fun, you’re finally missing me… I miss you a lot since the moment you left. _

It was like a firework ignited in his heart, a small smile unconsciously formed on Bobby’s lips. The words he was waiting for finally came, although he was still unsure why Hanbin sent him those links. Pleasantly surprised, Bobby replied, 

_You’re one to talk. I said I missed you first, you only sent me those links. Lol. It wasn’t like I was playing around, I was working my ass off. _

And not a moment later, a reply came,

_Dig through the bottom of your suitcase. _

“Bottom of…suitcase..? What is he talking about?” Confused yet he did it without any hesitation, Bobby rummaged through his suitcase and found a familiar yellow hoodie beneath all the mess inside.

Another message came through as Bobby was staring at the neatly folded hoodie, still slightly confused. 

_I told you I missed you since the day you left, Bobby hyung. _

Bobby quickly typed and sent, _Bbeong chijima.. Binnie you silly goof. Bogoshipda. _

Impatiently, Bobby took the hoodie from the suitcase. It smelled of baby powder and a hint of laundry detergent. Hanbin’s scent. 

“Binnie.. what do I do with you. I’m going crazy.” Bobby put on the hoodie, completely lost in its owner’s familiar scent. It was as if he was rewarded with a tall glass of cold water on a very hot summer day. And now he couldn’t wait to have more, to savor it, to taste and engulf himself with it. 

Bobby got a bit nervous waiting for Hanbin’s reply. _Have I gone too far this time, is my feeling way too out in the open?_, he thought to himself. Wondering if his jealousy towards him showing interest to a girl would bother Hanbin. Anxiously he waited, and got a bit impatient that he thought to just sleep it off. _Maybe I need to cool my head_. But then his phone rang, an incoming video call from none other than Hanbin himself.

“Found it?” A pouty Hanbin filled the screen. Bobby’s heart was starting to pound in an erratic beat. Last time he felt that was when he had his first kiss with his first girlfriend in 10th grade, behind the bleachers inside the school gymnasium in Virginia. Yet, the familiar feeling felt strangely comforting this time. It was like the warm feeling of finally coming home after a long tiring holiday, the way his heart fluttered to the beat of a nostalgic song that had been playing in the back of his mind for the longest time. 

“Why are you still up?” Bobby avoided the question but from the way he held the phone, Hanbin could clearly see that Bobby was wearing the yellow hoodie.

“I told you I miss you, it’s been hard sleeping without you. It’s cold here and blanket doesn’t help. But I see that I’m not the only one who gets to hug you these days.” Sulky Hanbin was always cute in Bobby’s eyes; but coupled with those confessions, it was making Bobby happier than ever. 

“I didn’t adlib it, Bin. It was part of the script. I—ah never mind.”

“What..? What? Bobby hyung, what?” 

“You’re not the only one having trouble sleeping”—Bobby could feel both his cheeks getting hot—“I..there’s a reason why I’m wearing your smelly hoodie you know..”

“Smelly? Take it off then, don’t bother with my smelly hoodie.. Whatever, I’m going to sleep if you only gonna say mean things to me.” Hanbin looked away, but it was clear that he was upset. 

Fumbling to find the right words, Bobby blurted out, “I miss your smell. I miss hugging you to sleep! That’s why I’m wearing it! Ah….” Bobby bit his lips. 

“So you’re only missing the way I smell? I’m not your Pooh, Bobby hyung. I’m not your comfort toy,” Hanbin continued to push his luck, but deep down inside he was elated to hear what Bobby had just said. He was pinching his arms to convince himself he wasn’t dreaming. 

“You’re more than Pooh, you..you..Argh.. Hanbin what do you want me to say? You’re everything to me, you’re my bestfriend, my brother..my…” Bobby stopped his track. He could feel Hanbin’s big brown eyes boring into him, reading into his feelings, completely stripping his soul apart. It was one of the things Bobby feared the most, to have Hanbin discovered his hidden desire. The edge of the road where they could still call themselves brothers. A thin line that separates the love between families and lovers.

“Your what, Bobby..?” Hanbin asked softly. Bobby didn’t dare to look him in the eye. 

It was a long silence from both sides. 

“Bobby, just for the record. You’re everything to me too. Maybe even more. It’s okay if you can’t tell me now, but will you ever let me know someday..?”

Bobby still didn’t dare to look Hanbin in the eye, he averted his gazed downwards, away from Hanbin’s sharp eyes. His blushing cheeks and reddened ears however, couldn’t hide how happy he was inside. 

“Bobby hyung..let’s go to sleep? Even though we’re apart for now, we’re still technically be sleeping under the same sky, aren’t we..?”

“You’re right. Good night, Hanbinah.” Bobby finally looked towards Hanbin. 

“Good night, dream of me, Jiwon.” Hanbin ended the call before Bobby had the chance to say anything back. 

~~~~~~~

“Jinhwan hyung, I need to talk to you about something.” Hanbin barged in to Jinhwan’s bedroom at 5 in the morning, resulting in annoyed groans and protests from his tiny hyung and a tall dongsaeng who was having a sleepover.

“Ah sorry, Juneya, I didn’t mean to step on you. Why are you sleeping on the floor anyway??” Hanbin almost tripped on the mattress where Junhoe slept next to Jinhwan’s bed. 

“Aaahh..seriously Hanbin, it’s so early, what do you want? Can’t it wait til tomorrow?” Jinhwan muffled protest was heard from underneath the pile of pillows. 

“Hyung, please! I need to talk to you now or else I’m going crazy..” Hanbin tried to remove the blanket from Jinhwan’s tight grip. Junhoe was already making his way to get some undisturbed sleep on his own bed at the room next door. 

“Ahh..Hanbin, jebal..Let me sleep for 10 more minutes..”

“Did you watch Closer with Junhoe last night, hyung? I heard it’s a good movie. Should I ask Bobby hyung to watch it with me?” Hanbin completely ignored his hyung’s plea and kept on nudging the lump underneath the blanket to wake him up. 

“Let me guess,”—a pair of tiny eyes emerged from underneath the blanket—“you want to talk about Bobby. Am I right?” 

“Hyung..am I wrong for liking Bobby?”

“Liking him..? Hanbin, I like him too.” Jinhwan smirked. He already knew where this the conversation was going but he felt like teasing Hanbin a little. 

“You know, liking him **liking him**, like he gives me butterflies in my stomach, that kind of feeling. You know like the feelings you get when two characters fell in love in movies?” 

“I get butterflies in my stomach too when Bobby tickles me, Hanbin..” Jinhwan pursed his lips trying to suppress his giggles. 

“Argh hyung, seriously—“

“I know Bin, I was just teasing you. I knew since the very beginning I saw you laid eyes on each other.”

“….really? It wasn’t love at first sight for me though..” Hanbin got confused hearing Jinhwan’s reply. 

Jinhwan sat up straight on his bed, his tone finally got serious as he looked straight into Hanbin’s eyes and was patting his arms gently to offer a reassurance that he indeed, understood. 

“Hanbinah, I know. We’ve been together for years, remember?”

“Hyung, it’s like..it’s like..it wasn’t love at first sight. But..the moment I saw him I felt, as if I’ve found my missing piece. It’s as if he is everything that I love in this world combined. It’s like..eating candy after having to drink bitter health tonic. Breathing in crisp mountain air for the first time. The taste of gukbap during cold mornings. Bobby made me feel all that. Am I..wrong for liking him more than just brother, more than just bestfriend?” Hanbin looked so small and soft that for that moment Jinhwan felt like he was in the presence of a young uncertain boy, definitely not the crass rapper B.I. that evil TV editing tend to portray.

“Love after all, is what you truly feel. There are no rhyme or reason, nor there are mathematical explanations. You feel what you feel, Hanbin.”

Jinhwan patted Hanbin’s head lovingly, a trait that Bobby and Hanbin had always been grateful for. His existence as a mathyung for all of them, and especially for Bobby and Hanbin during their early years together, remained an irreplaceable blessing.

“Hanbin, I can’t offer you any assurance that everything will be okay. The consequences of it..it’s something that you have to discuss with people wiser than me. But, I honestly don’t think that it is wrong. To love is never wrong, right? I know how deeply you love Bobby, and I know he does too—“

“He does?” Hanbin was genuinely shocked at Jinhwan’s statement.

Chuckling softly, Jinhwan said something that Hanbin would remember for the rest of his life, “He likes you, you know. Aniya, he **adores** you. He loves you not in the way he loves me, and that, I’m quite sure of.”

“How do you know..? I always thought that, but I can’t never be sure..” Hanbin’s reply was so softly spoken that Jinhwan felt the need to envelop him into a hug, to hug him so tight so that all his uncertainties disappear. 

“His eyes don’t lie, Hanbin. He adores you so much he can’t even contain it anymore.”

~~~~~~~

Two days went by, and Bobby was finally back in Seoul. Exhausted from lack of sleep, Bobby was not looking forward to immediately jump back to debut preparation straight from his overseas schedule. He tried to get a bit of sleep during the car ride from the airport, but his excitement for finally reuniting with Hanbin was preventing him from catching a much needed snooze. The moment he entered their lived in practice room, his eyes went straight to search for Hanbin’s. And the second he found it, he felt at ease. 

“Bobby hyung, you’re back! Got any treats? Woahh, you look extra tan! How was Sora noona? Was she prettier in real life?” Donghyuk bombarded him with tons of questions the moment Bobby stepped inside the humid practice room. Distracted, Bobby shoved the plastic bag filled with snacks and local souvenirs to Donghyuk while pretending to give him a halfhearted hug. He ruffled Donghyuk’s hair and laughed out loud when he heard an annoyed response from his little brother.

From the corner of his eye, Bobby could see Hanbin got up from the bench and moving in closer, but patiently waited behind others as Bobby finished greeting his brothers. Their locked gaze earlier was like a sprinkle of summer rain, but Bobby’s thirst yearned for torrential downpour.

Bobby couldn’t wait any longer and approached Hanbin, grabbed his arms, pulling him into a bear hug. He could feel that Hanbin froze for a split second, and Bobby almost let go. But then, a pair of warm lips touched Bobby’s neck ever so slightly. Without hesitation, Hanbin rested his head on the crook of Bobby’s neck as his arms embraced Bobby’s waist tight. 

“Welcome back, Bobby hyung.” Hanbin whispered softly. 

“Come with me to the park after practice?” Bobby could feel his heart beating fast against Hanbin’s chest, but he swore he could feel Hanbin’s was too. 

Baffled, Hanbin only nodded. 

Bobby was starting to let go, but Hanbin held on a bit longer. If it wasn’t for the vocal coach coming into the room, Hanbin thought that he could just hug Bobby forever.

The practice ended on a good note, and the boys were talking about grabbing late dinner at the nearby pizza place. Bobby and Hanbin managed to slip past the other boys and Jaeho by excusing themselves to go to the restroom when in reality they were sneaking out through the backalley to take a walk in the nearby park.

The sun had begun to set, casting a rich crimson hue over the rippling surface of Han River. “It looks like Acorn Jelly!”, Hanbin had once said to Bobby. But at that moment, both boys were walking quietly side by side, hands occasionally brushing against each other as they basked in the comforting warmth.

The park was not as crowded as they thought it would be. There were several couples enjoying the moment embraced in each other’s arms, completely lost in the calm before the night. Both boys took a seat on a secluded spot, away from prying eyes that might ruined the moment. Knees touching as they silently gazed at the wine-colored riverview while enjoying a bottle of Sunkist grape juice they had bought earlier at the convenience store.

“Sorry I couldn’t take you to the beach just yet, but I will soon,” Bobby broke the silence.

“That’s okay Bobby hyung..river flows to the sea anyway right? I’ll just pretend I’m at the beach for now,” Hanbin closed his eyes and leaned into Bobby’s open arms. 

Bobby chuckled softly. He was nervous but he didn’t want to show it. 

“Why are you taking me here..?” Breathelessly, he awaited Bobby’s answer. 

“Hanbinah, I..I want to ask you something..”

“What is it, Bobby hyung..?”

“What are we? I mean..are we friends, best friends, brothers..?” Bobby almost choked at the end of his words. 

“What do you want us to be, Bobby hyung?” Hanbin nuzzled in closer. He tried to look at Bobby’s face but he was scared too. Scared that it might not be what he expected. Scared of his heart breaking for pushing things too far. 

“We..I guess, we’re always comfortable with our..dynamic. But recently, I kinda..I kinda realized something, Bin..”

“What? Tell me what you think Bobby hyung, stop hiding your feelings..” Hanbin sat straight to gaze at Bobby’s eyes directly. 

“I can’t think of a future without you..I never expected to fall in love with you, but I guess I do. I really do. And not the kind of love between us and Jinani, or the feeling I have towards the other boys, with Junhoe, Yunhyeong, Donghyuk, or Chanwoo. I love..I love you, I love you through the good and the bad and the ugly, I lo—“ Bobby could feel a finger silencing his lips, his eyes were drawn to Hanbin’s tender gaze, he couldn’t look away. He didnt think Hanbin’s eyes could get even prettier, but the way it sparkled during the golden hour was so mesmerizing, he couldn’t stop staring at it.

“My dream has you in it, always. Ever since the day we met. Love is too weak a word to describe what I feel, as cheesy as it might sound”—Hanbin furrowed his brows as he was looking for the right words that he could not find—“But I love you too, have been for a long time. More than love you. Thank you, for believing in me when no one else does. Bobby, no..Can I call you Jiwon from now on?”

Bobby couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Time seemed to stand still for a while, fireworks and butterflies in his mind. He wanted torrential rain, and he got a year worth of it. 

Bobby gathered the courage to place his hand around Hanbin’s nape and inched closer to a breathless Hanbin. 

“Hanbin..baby..Can I keep you?” Bobby whispered. Their noses were finally touching, breaths were shared as their faces moved closer against one another. 

“I’m already yours,..Jiwon.” Hanbin tilted his head and their lips locked for the very first time. Warm and sweet and felt so right. 

Bobby’s arms moved to Hanbin’s lower back, pulling him closer. His feathery kisses that were barely grazing Hanbin’s lips was slowly turning into a deeper one. He wanted to taste every inch of Hanbin’s lips, his hunger finally satiated.

Bobby pulled away to a soft dissatisfied moan from Hanbin, eyes still half closed, he wanted more. 

“Jiwon..” Hanbin protested. 

“Baby..can we do that again at home?” Bobby slightly panting breaths was enough to convince Hanbin to stop, for now. 

“As much as you want, Jiwon.” Hanbin really meant it, he knew he could never get tired of it. 

Bobby smiled so tenderly as he brushed his thumb on Hanbin’s cheek, and Hanbin’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of that precious smile. 

In the afterglow of this tender moment, Bobby wished in his heart that this happiness would last forever. Little did he know that Hanbin wished the same, to be able to kiss and be his forever. 

Hanbin took Bobby by the hand, helping him to get up from the ground they were sitting on. He ran away playfully and shouted,

“Catch me!”

And he saw Bobby smiled before he mouthed back,

“I’ve caught your heart and locked it in mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thanks to Casper for the chapter name, one of my favorite movies of all time. 
> 
> happy 131 day!


	8. Daydream (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tattoos, Sea, and You.
> 
> Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bobby - In Love

**Bzzzzzz…**

Hanbin was nervous. He tried to distract himself by listening to the sound of buzzing tattoo machines, coming from the corner of this rustic grunge vibe tattoo parlor with walls that were lined with tons of punk rock paraphernalia and tattoo inspired artworks. Everything seemed a bit messy and decorated through random musings but weirdly enough the space looked effortlessly artistic. He could hear the muffled noise from the windows nearby, capturing the hustle and bustle of Mullae-dong during a typical Friday night. The sterile smell from the disinfectant spray reminded him of the hospital, and the memories of having to get his blood taken flooded his mind and starting to make him anxious. He was never too fond of needles, yet there he was, about to ink a permanent art on his back. 

The end of September marked as the only free weekend left before their debut concert and gruelling back to back schedule until the end of the year. Hanbin took the chance to book this tattoo artist as soon as he heard that she’s coming in town for a guesting gig. He had seen her portfolio and felt that it was exactly the style he wanted for his very first body art. He fidgeted in his seat, impatiently waiting for the tattoo artist to come back with the stencil of his soon-to-be tattoo. The artist just needed to tidy up some of the outlines from the rough sketch he gave her, as the design was already finalized through their back and forth emails earlier that week.

Balloon and paper plane, a symbolic interpretation of hopes and dreams; an idea that he already had in mind since a long time ago. Back when he had just lost his chance to debut alongside his brothers. Back when he felt like becoming the wind instead, so he could fly as far as his hopes and dreams would take him. 

Hanbin stared absentmindedly at the television in the waiting area as he recalled his conversation with Bobby a month ago before they went to sleep. 

_“What do you think, Bobby hyung?” Hanbin pulled a tattered piece of paper from his shorts pocket, showing Bobby a sketch of five balloons pulling up a paper plane._

__

__

_“You designed this yourself, Binnie?” Bobby smoothed the crumpled paper on top of his thigh, the design was rough and unfinished and it took a bit of squinting to understand but Bobby finally got the gist of it. _

_“It’s five ballons, here.. right here..I know balloon should look rounder but the pencil I was drawing with was dull..and then I drew a paper plane underneath..here..” Hanbin showed his sketch proudly as he moved to Bobby’s bed to rest his head on top of Bobby’s lap. _

_“Uh huh..yeah, I see that..Ahhh, so that’s what it is, okay..” Bobby had his other free hand on Hanbin’s nape, slowly caressing and softly twirling his hair, a habit that he had picked up lately. _

_Hanbin stared at the face hovering above him, realizing how lucky he was to love and be loved by this precious person. His voice started to soften even more as he explained what he drew._

_“Five balloons, to represent my lifelong dreams, a paper plane to signify hope, and those three stars at the back for Mom, Dad, and Hanbyul. What do you think? Should I add more?”_

_“I think this is a cool design, Binnie! My dad helped designed mine, well ours, technically, ‘cos we trusted his artistic side. If I was to design something myself I’m not even sure if I want it to be permanent on my body”—Bobby laughed heartily—“You’re gonna have this in black and white? Colored? Shaded in or simple lines?”_

_“Colored and shaded for sure. I think I wanna put specific colors on those balloons ’cos each of those colors has its own meaning….do you wanna know what those are, Bobby hyung?” Hanbin had his neck tilted back to catch Bobby’s eyes. _

_“Baby, you’re gonna strain your neck,” Bobby took a pillow from behind his back, trying to prop Hanbin’s head gently on the pillow instead. _

_“Aniya, I don’t want the pillow. I like this better..” Hanbin whined and buried his face against Bobby’s waist. He snuggled even closer, nose inches away from Bobby’s private part._

_“Okay okay..”—Bobby pinched Hanbin’s cheek softly as he grinned at him lovingly—“As you wish, Binnie..” And again, Bobby’s fingers finding ways to Hanbin’s nape to play with his hair. _

_“Do you wanna know what those colors represent?” Hanbin repeated his question as he sighed into Bobby’s soft touches._

_“You told me about your dreams before..I remember there were three? The first one is to be a rapper, the second one is to build a house by the beach, and the third one is to see your Mom, Dad, and Hanbyul live happily. What’s the other two then?”_

_“The fourth one is my wish for seven of us to reach success together, for us to touch the sky. And the fifth one..” Hanbin gazed softly at Bobby. _

_“…and the fifth one? What is it?” Bobby had a question mark painted across his face._

_“You seriously can’t guess? Ugh..How can you be so dense sometimes, Jiwon”—Hanbin jutted his lower lip in a pout—“But I guess that’s why I love you, it’s part of your charm..” Bobby’s wrists were caught in Hanbin’s grip as he pulled them down to get their faces closer._

_“Me? Dense? I don’t under—“_

_Bobby’s question was abruptly silenced with a soft kiss. It started slow, but things were heating up once they gained entrance into each other’s mouths. Hanbin let go of Bobby’s wrists and wrapped his arms around Bobby’s neck as their kisses deepened. Stopping only for a bit to catch their breaths but never enough as if they were in some kind of a hunger spell. _

_Their tongues teased each other in a slow dance, moving in a harmonious rhythm. Hanbin smiled into the kiss as he felt Bobby’s fingers softly grazing his cheeks. He felt so loved and wondered if Bobby felt it too._

_“Do you love me, Jiwon?” He softly moaned his question as Bobby was kissing on the his neck, slowly moving down his hands around Hanbin’s back to get both of them in a more comfortable position. His tongue grazed on the hollows of Hanbin’s collarbone, nipping on the area until he settled to give him a faint lovebite under his ear. Hanbin entwined his legs onto Bobby’s once they were laying side by side, locking him in a quite uncomfortable position but Bobby didn’t mind._

_“Is THAT even a question?”—Bobby whispered slowly in Hanbin’s ears—“I…Love…You…” _

_And each syllables was emphasized with a soft peck on Hanbin’s forehead, nose, and lips. _

…

“Kim-shi? I got your stencil ready. Follow me.” The lady tattoo artist woke him up from his daydream.

“Ah, yeah..” Hanbin followed her clumsily into her designated spot in the back of the studio. His dad texted him right at that moment, telling him that he was heading back to the tattoo studio after buying them quick dinner from a nearby cafe.

“Please have a seat over there, and you can remove your shirt and hang it on the coat rack,” her hand motioned to the faux leather bed that was already covered with disposable paper sheet. The sheet made a crinkly noise as Hanbin sat on it. He was resisting the urge to tear and bunched it into tiny little pieces as he always did. 

“Should I lay down, or..?” 

“Not yet, let me make sure the placement is okay before we proceed with the actual tattooing. So you told me via email that this will be your first tattoo?”

“Yeah,” Hanbin nodded. His hand started to sweat a bit. He patted his left chest out of habit. He saw the artist took something out from her kit and then he felt the cold swipe of alcohol swab on his skin before she proceeded to shave on his left shoulder blade. The freshly shaved area was then lathered with some sort of substance and then the stencil was finally pressed onto it. 

“Kim-shi, take a look at it at that mirror over there, and tell me if that’s the exact placement you want. I can always change it now before it’s too late,” she smiled. 

“Uh huh, it looks about right.” Hanbin took a deep breath as he sat back down on the tattoo bed. 

“Okay then, let’s get started. Relax, find the most comfortable position ‘cos this might take a while. Just let me know if you need a break in between.” The machine started buzzing and seconds later Hanbin could feel the first pierce of needle punctured his skin. 

~~~~~~~

It took the tattoo artist almost 2 hours to finish this piece. Hanbin refused to take breaks, only resting for a couple of minutes when the artist had to reset her tattoo gun with shading needles. The line portion was not so bad, but Hanbin almost cursed when the artist was starting to fill in the colors. It was like laying on a bed of nails that was constantly moving and scratching. He tried to distract himself by watching funny videos, but ended up joking around with Bobby via text instead and that seemed to ease the pain a little bit. 

His dad dropped him off in front of the dorm at around 10 PM. Hanbin couldn’t wait to show Bobby his new tattoo, he sprinted to the elevator and pressed on the buttons repeatedly. He was bluffing earlier, telling Bobby that he spent time with his dad looking at a car exhibition in Goyang. He had to google pictures from the internet to send to Bobby, pretending that he took it himself. He thought he was being sly but he was also in for a surprise. 

Hanbin walked in to Yunhyeong and Chanwoo playing board games at the kitchen table and Donghyuk taking nap at the couch. He could hear the sound of Junhoe singing and playing guitar inside Jinhwan’s room but he didn’t see Bobby anywhere. _Must be in the bedroom_, he thought to himself.

Hanbin opened the door to their shared room but it was dark and seemingly empty. _Huh? Where is he?_

“Hyung, where’s Bobby?” Hanbin peeked his head into the kitchen to ask Yunhyeong. 

“He’s not in your guys’ room? Have you tried Jinhwan’s?” Chanwoo took the chance when Yunhyeong wasn’t paying attention to move his own pawn closer to the finish line. 

“I saw that you cheeky kid,”—Yunhyeong smack Chanwoo’s head softly before moving the pawn back to its supposed location—“He’s home for sure, I heard him bickering with Jinhwan like five minutes ago.”

“Bobbyyy eodiyaa….” Hanbin half ran to Jinhwan’s room and opened it abruptly to find Jinhwan already half asleep with an ear muffler on while Junhoe continued to strum his guitar, practicing chord tabs from the internet.

Hanbin didn’t even want to ask where Jinhwan got the ear muffler from, but he must had snatch it from the sound crew after their rehearsal practice for their debut concert last night. Confused, he checked the bathroom but no one was there either. He went to the balcony thinking that Bobby might be outside counting the stars as he often did, but it was also empty. 

The dull throbbing pain from his fresh tattoo was starting to bother him. That, and the fact that Bobby was missing. Bobby was nowhere to be found and he needed to remove the bandage because it had been about two hours since, which were two different needs that didn’t have any sort of correlation but Hanbin’s mind just couldn’t help going on autopilot when it came to his Jiwon. 

Hanbin tried to give Bobby a call, and he could hear the exact same ringtone playing in his mind. He thought he was hearing things but then it was starting to sound real and he followed the sound to their bedroom. Curious, he opened the door and only then he finally saw through the phone’s weak illumination that Bobby was cocooned under the blanket in his bed, sleeping soundly. 

He closed the door behind him softly and tiptoed to his bed, trying to give a kiss to the person who was invading it, but ended up tripping on the huge lump on the floor and woke Bobby up.

“Aassshhi….t what the hell!! Ahhh, sorry Bobby hyung, did I wake you up??” Hanbin grimaced all of a sudden when he tried to get up and ended up hitting his left shoulder blade on the door handle. 

“Hanbinah, are you okay..? Why are you in so much pain??” Bobby shot up from the bed and immediately attend to Hanbin. He too, was immediately in autopilot mode when it came to Hanbin.

“Ah, Bobby hyung, I’m okay..it’s just that.. I hit..that..” Hanbin hadn’t felt that kind of pain in a while, his eyes started to water. 

“Hey, what’s going on?? Why are you..why are you crying? Baby, what’s going on?” Bobby hold Hanbin’s waist and dragged him to bed. 

“Is your shoulder hurting? Is it because of your old injury?” Concerned look was so apparent on Bobby’s face that Hanbin had to give him a peck on the lips to calm him down. 

“It was nothing, hyung. It was just hurting quite bad ‘cos I just had my tattoo done and that door handle hit the exact spot..” 

“You got your tattoo done? When? Just now? I thought you were with your dad looking at cars? Then what about those pictures you sent me earlier?” 

Hanbin took something out of his pocket. 

“I wanted to give you a surprise, hyung.. Guess that was my karma earlier ‘cos I lied to you,”—he grinned apologetically—“Help me put this later?” He placed the small container filled with ointment that was given by the artist earlier in Bobby’s hand. 

“Baby, you got me worried for nothing,” Bobby sighed. 

“Sorry..Do you wanna see it, Jiwon?” 

“Yeah, take your shirt off, I’ll help you clean it.” Bobby took Hanbin by the hand to the bathroom.

Bobby had Hanbin seated on the edge of the bathtub, took the antibacterial hand soap from the sink then proceeded to gently peeled off the blood and ink soaked bandage. Hanbin wanted so bad to see Bobby’s reaction but before he managed to turn his head, he heard a whisper followed by a soft kiss planted on his head.

“It’s beautiful, just like you..,” said Bobby softly, whispering in a velvety voice. 

Bobby lathered the soap and caressed Hanbin’s left shoulder with it, careful not to press on it too much and let the suds did its job to clean the ointment residue. Occasionally, he would press his lips on Hanbin’s nape but not kissing it, just grazing it softly like he was trying to hold himself back. 

“Wash my whole body too, hyung..” Hanbin whined with his puppy eyes. 

“Binnie..” Bobby shook his head in protest but his hand was already moving to the shower control to test the water temperature, making sure the water was not too hot nor too cold. 

“Come here you big baby..” 

~~~~~~~

“What are those backpacks for?” Hanbin had just realized after the light was turned on that the things that tripped him earlier were their own matching backpacks filled to a brim. 

“I got a surprise for you, actually.” Bobby smiling fondly at the sight of Hanbin swathed with soft towels all over. 

Hanbin sat on Bobby’s bed, the tub of ointment on his hand, patiently waiting for Bobby to help apply it on him. Bobby took the tub and sat behind him, he scooped a dime sized amount and started to smear it so carefully on the colorful tattoo. Starting from the ship mast and down to where the ballons were.

“What surprise? Ah, hyung it hurts..” Hanbin whined a little. He could feel Bobby rubbing on a specific part over and over again and that was causing him a bit of discomfort.

“Sorry baby..” Bobby lightly touched Hanbin’s cheeks and kissed it tenderly. He helped Hanbin put on a clean t-shirt to sleep in, and Hanbin took the chance to push Bobby down the bed and cuddle into him. Hanbin wrapped his arms around Bobby’s waist and snuggled his cheeks on top of his hard chest. His favorite place to sleep, secure and warm in Bobby’s arms. 

“What surprise?” Hanbin repeated his question.

“I’m taking you out of the city..I got us plane tickets to Jeju tomorrow.” Bobby teased him with a fake smug. 

“For real Jiwon??” Hanbin face visibly lit up even under the dim light of their nightlight lamp. 

“I asked for permission and packed everything already. We’re leaving really early tomorrow morning, so you need to sleep..—Bobby planted a kiss on Hanbin’s temple and his lips lingered there for a while—“but your surprise is way better, baby.”

“Yours is way more awesome..Jiwon, I kinda want us to get a couple tattoo,” his question was barely heard as he was speaking it into Bobby’s shirt instead. Hanbin could feel his ears getting red. He waited and waited and perhaps he got a bit impatient because the silence seemed to go on forever.

“Don’t you want to..?” His eyes peeked at Bobby’s face, fingers gripping tightly to his shirt. 

“Hmm, we’ll see..I’ve heard it might bring bad luck though, so..Umm..the balloon..is there any particular meaning behind the colors you chose?” Bobby patted Hanbin’s back as they started to succumb to sleep. 

Hanbin wanted to argue but he was just too sleepy and warm to do so._I'll ask him again tomorrow._

“Of course..each color represents different hopes and dreams, you know what those are, I’ve told you already.” Hanbin’s voice was heavy with sleep.

“You’ve told me all except for one..” 

“…Jiwon, you know it already.”

“Is the purple balloon..about me?”

“Jiwon, you’re part of my dreams too. You’re a huge part of my dreams,” he kissed Bobby’s lips softly and closed his eyes to let his consciousness ebbed away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 coming real soon.


	9. Daydream (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of 3.
> 
> Tattoos, Sea, and You.

“Thank you for the ride, Ahjussi!”

Hanbin got out of the taxi and inhaled the fresh Jeju air, squirming with delight as he clung onto Bobby’s arms, “Ahh, we’re finally here Bobby hyung!”

He couldn’t hide his excitement. This was their first trip together as a couple and he still could’t believe that Bobby got them the permission to leave town. 

They arrived at their hotel at around half past nine, according to the cracked Samsung screen that Hanbin still hadn’t had the chance to replace. Bobby had booked them a room at Sunrise Hotel, an aptly named place for a special surprise that he had in mind. It was a modest accommodation by the seaside, close by to Aquaplanet Jeju, which they had planned to visit after Jinhwan’s glowing recommendation.

The taxi sped off after Bobby paid their fare, and the still asleep neighborhood was quiet once again. What was left was two giddy boys and their backpacks, crazy in love. 

“Bobby hyunggg, why can’t we stay longerrr..? Let’s extend ’til Monday at least, please??” Hanbin pleaded with his puppy eyes as soon as they arrived in the hotel room. He had taken off his shoes and backpack and jumped onto the bouncy bed, arms reaching trying to lure Bobby to join him. 

“Should we?” Bobby looked at Hanbin fondly. He approached the bed and took Hanbin’s arms and placed it around his own waist. 

“Should we?” He repeated his questions. They both knew it was a futile request, they had to go back to Seoul by Sunday night because they needed to practice for the debut concert. But no matter how pointless, Hanbin only wanted to convey his meaning across. He hoped that time would stood still so they could spend longer time together.

Hanbin’s eyes were gazing at Bobby’s with love, their stare lingered and unbroken. His hands caressed Bobby’s back while his head leaned into Bobby’s slightly larger hands softly cradling on his cheeks. 

“Your hands a bit rough, Bobby hyung.. But I don’t mind..”—Hanbin’s left hand found Bobby’s right, lacing it together on top of his own cheeks—“so don’t ever stop being mine.” 

At that moment, Bobby couldn’t think of anything else. He only wished he could give Hanbin the world, little did he know that he was Hanbin’s world. 

“You know I’m never gonna leave you, I’m here to stay, Hanbin. And I’m sorry if my hands a bit rough, I kinda skip on lotion a lot.” 

“That’s not what I meant, you know that’s not what I meant”—Hanbin whined—“Even when your hands are rough I don’t want to hold anybody else’s. Just stay with me..you know, forever?”

“Yeah..always.” Bobby whispered his satisfied sigh as he closed his eyes to Hanbin’s soft fluttering kisses on his body. 

“Jiwon, what time does the aquarium opens..?” Hanbin’s hand slithered into the inside of Bobby’s shirt, followed by the clinking sound of belt being unbuckled slowly. 

“Not for another fifteen minutes, but we still have to—“

“Let me have these fifteen minutes of you all for myself..” Hanbin said so as they lowered both their bodies on the bed. Hanbin rolled over to pin Bobby underneath him. Bobby ran his fingers through Hanbin’s hair and inched forward to kiss his forehead. Both their eyes glittered with want, Hanbin no longer asked for permission as he could tell by the soft moan escaping Bobby’s quickening breaths. 

“Hanbin baby, kiss me slowly..”

~~~~~~~

“Bobby hyung..let me put lipbalm on your lips first.” 

Hanbin insisted on applying the red tinted balm on Bobby’s lips as Bobby struggled to put his pants back on. The clock beside their bed was showing thirteen minutes past ten and although it was still too early for the aquarium visit, they wanted to come early to defeat the Saturday crowd.

Bobby took Hanbin’s hoodie that he threw on the floor earlier, and helped him to put it back on. Hanbin could barely contained his giddiness that it took Bobby a good two minutes to put the hoodie on him because he kept fidgeting all over the place. Bobby loved this Hanbin; well, Bobby loved all kinds of Hanbin, but this one was his favorite. All smiley and childlike, a perfect contrast to his strong-willed and stubbornness that Bobby really admired. _I can never get enough of you, Hanbin. _

“Let. Me. Put. It. On. You. Properly.” Hanbin frowned. One hand on Bobby’s arms while the other holding the twisted out lipbalm. 

“Ugh, I don’t like the taste of that one, Binnie. Wait, I have my own inside my backpack somewhere.” Bobby frowned back in disgust. He opened up all the zippers on the outside of the backpack but couldn’t find it. 

“Jiwon.” Hanbin said it in a mock stern voice. 

“…but..” Bobby protested while pouting his lips.

Hanbin grabbed Bobby by the waist, and murmured softly, “I promise you’ll like it this way.” 

He proceeded to put on a thick layer on his own lips and, to Bobby’s delight and amazement, pressed their lips together. It was strangely comforting for Bobby as he felt the layer of balm soothed his slightly swollen lips, courtesy of none other than Hanbin himself who nibbled on it too much. He gently moved his against Bobby’s lips ever so slowly, careful to reach every dips and contour of his lover’s lips. 

“Is this a new technique of applying lip balm..?” Bobby murmured through his soft kisses.

“Mm hmm..” Hanbin replied with a soft hum, eyes half closed, he enjoyed watching Bobby’s blissful face.

They both moved their lips apart to catch some breaths, aware that it might lead to another make out session because the bed was literally five steps away. But as much as their self restraint had held them back at the dorm, both were feeling so relaxed that they have this private room all to themselves. Those soft fluttering kisses was quickly turning into a deep passionate one, hands roaming all over the place they had touched and kissed earlier, moans escaping their mouths as they felt pleasure from the constant stimulation. 

Bobby felt it on his nether region when Hanbin licked and suck on his tongue, but _what is there to complain about_, he thought. He could kiss him forever and a day, his soft pillowy lips and gentle sighs were Bobby’s heaven on earth. Sometimes Bobby thought he was cheating on his own God whenever he whispered Hanbin’s name, it was as if he was caught in a newfound religion of wanting to please Hanbin and worship his existence. But of course Bobby knew it was just his love overflowing to the brim, spilling out constantly from the deep recesses of his heart. And he knew he was so lucky to have found him, they were so lucky to have found each other. 

“Baby..we..should we just stay in bed…the whole day..?” Bobby almost gave up on his own inhibitions. He was the one who planned the whole trip but it seemed like he also figured that laying in bed all day with Hanbin was the thing he looked forward to the most. 

“Mmrgh,..I..We..” Hanbin almost said yes but then he remembered how in the plane earlier, Bobby was telling him how proud he was for planning the itineraries all by himself. He snapped out of it and pushed his desire away for now. 

He brushed the bottom of Bobby’s lips with his thumb before giving it a softest peck, “I told you, you’ll like this lipbalm. Now that your lips are nice and moisturized, let’s go to the aquarium and continue later on tonight,” he gave Bobby his softest dimpled smile.

“Well, I won’t mind applying it regularly now.”

~~~~~~~

It was still relatively quiet when they arrived. A number of little kids were running around the ticket booth area, giggling loudly as they chased each other around the long steps near the entrance while their parents were busy catching up with each other. It reminded Hanbin of his little sister back home, he smiled to himself imagining how fun it would be to take her here too someday, to hold her hands as she jumped over the steps with her little tiny feet. 

The ticket booth lady told them that the place wouldn’t usually get crowded until after lunch time, which sounded perfect to both of them. They entered through the circular door in the middle, and was greeted with the huge panoramic windows overlooking the nearby seaside. The lady was right, it was not as crowded as they thought it would be. 

They made their way slowly through the main area, perusing through the program flyer they received from the greeter at the front of the electronic gate. For a moment they couldn’t decide which exhibit to visit first, slowly just admiring the row of fish tanks that casted a soft blue glow on both of their faces. Bobby couldn’t help but silently admiring Hanbin when he thought he wasn’t looking. Hanbin’s eyes widened as he admired the exotic fishes, swimming back and forth in the circular tank. 

“Woahh hyung, look at that fish! It looks like Junhoe! Look at that grumpy old one over there! Oh and that one, don’t you think it looks like Yunhyeong hyung?”—Hanbin tapped on the glass gently with his index finger—“Fishies, are you happy living here? Do they give you breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert?”

“What..since when do fishes eat dessert?” Bobby chuckled and moved closer to stand next to Hanbin, their fingers touching slightly on the ledge.

“Fishes eat dessert too..kelp ice cream or something,” Hanbin used his serious voice but his face broke into a smile. His hand slipped under the hood of Bobby’s hoodie, and pulled him closer so that their entire sides were touching. Bobby instinctively put his arms around Hanbin’s waist and grinned when he felt Hanbin brushed his nape gently through the hoodie.

“Are you guys brothers?” They heard a soft voice coming from the back. They turned around to find a young boy, no older than 4 years old, asking them shyly. He had a Pororo doll tucked under his arms, his eyes looked slightly puffy like he had been crying before.

Bobby crouched down to meet his eye level and patted his head, “No we’re best friends, but I love him like a brother. Why are you all alone little guy, where’s your parents?” Bobby smiled.

“Um..that’s ‘cos you had your arms around each other, and you wear similar clothes and hats and shoes, and that’s how eomma dresses my brother and I..” He replied softly, his right hand fidgeting with Pororo’s beak. Hanbin looked around the area and couldn’t find any parent looking for him. 

“Hyung, I think he’s missing, should we take him to the staff or should we help him find them?” Hanbin whispered to Bobby’s ears.

“I ran ‘cos eomma was mad at me for making my brother cry..”

“Oh..? Why did your brother cry?” Bobby made a ‘wait a bit’ gesture to Hanbin.

“I hit him ‘cos I wanted to see the penguin but he wanted to see sea otter instead..I’m sad ‘cos eomma yelled at me earlier.” His voice started to quiver.

“Hm..it’s not nice to hit your brother so that’s why your eomma got mad. It’s not nice to get hit right? Look,”—Bobby pretended to hit Hanbin’s arms and Hanbin pretended to cry—“Aigu, see..? Appo.. “

The kid nodded.

“Love him instead, see, like this,”—he stroked Hanbin’s arm lovingly and Hanbin smiled—“Brothers should love each other because you will be brothers forever, right?”

“Ne, hyungie..” 

Their conversation was cut short with a small shriek coming from the end of the dim hallway, his mom approached the boy and hugged him tight. The boy cried in his mother’s arms while she said thank you to both Bobby and Hanbin and walked away. Hanbin and Bobby saw the little boy waved his Pororo at them, and they waved back. 

“Hyung, will you hit me if I want to see the sea otter instead of the penguin first?” Hanbin teased him after the boy and his mom turned by the corner and out of sight.

“Will I?” Bobby laughed and fake hit him. “Hey, they have a showing at..10:50 according to the flyer, which is…in 5 minutes! Let’s go!” Bobby took Hanbin by the hand and together they made way to the Aqua Safari arena, where the exhibition was located.

They ended up spending quite amount of time exploring the whole aquarium. Taking selfies inside the tunnel tank, stolen kisses in front of the deserted weedy seadragon tank, marvelled at the penguins, and ended it with the 12:40 Haenyeo Diving show inside the main tank area after they were done exploring the whole compound.

The show ended with a thunderous claps from the almost full auditorium. As the audience started trickling out of the area, Hanbin and Bobby stayed behind to admire the huge wall of aquarium that housed several large stingrays and sharks alongside other exotic marine creatures. 

“If you could live your life as a fish, what would you be, Bobby hyung?” Hanbin asked absentmindedly as he silently admire the boy standing beside him.

“Me? I want to be like Nemo, so a clown fish. What do you want to be, Binnie?”

“Well then I want to be Dory.”

“So it’ll be easy for you to forget me?” Bobby chuckled.

“Haha..as if. So I can be with you as you explore the sea.”

“Fair enough. But Dory explored the sea with Marlin, not Nemo. Nemo was missing and they were trying to find him.” Bobby couldn’t help but giggle at clueless Hanbin.

“Ugh..what?..Okay then, I’ll be Nemo’s half broken fin.”

“Oh you meant the small fin? Why not the normal one?”

“‘Cos..I might not be perfect but I want to be your lucky charm.”

Bobby couldn’t do anything but pinched his cheeks. If only the place was empty, he would already be all over Hanbin, giving him kisses. 

“Bobby hyung, let me take a picture of you in front of the aquarium.” Hanbin insisted. 

He ran across the huge auditorium to take a better angle of Bobby, silhouetted against the blue glow backdrop. Bobby himself was in awe with the massive hammerhead shark swimming so gracefully inside the huge glass enclosure, he no longer paid attention to Hanbin.

Hanbin watched him in silence. The scene was like from a dream. Happy bobby released butterflies in Hanbin’s stomach, but focused Bobby such as this one made his stomach twist and turn with adoration. His disappearing eyes and gleeful bunny teeth smile, and those cute dimples forming on both cheeks, Hanbin felt like falling in love over and over again. 

Hanbin took a few extra snaps for his own personal collection, before approaching Bobby from behind to give him a quick back hug. His hand lingered on Bobby’s back as they watched the huge tank standing side by side. _A memory to remember_, Hanbin made a mental note in his mind. 

“Binnie, remember when you had to go to the zoo all by yourself? I felt really bad. I wish I had gone with you.” Bobby broke the silence, eyes still fixated on the small fishes that were calmly swimming around the predators.

“It was fine, Bobby hyung.. We just did what we were told anyway. They told you to go with the other boys and I understood.” 

“I wish I had memories with you there. You know, watching those monkeys that looked like Jinani? We could tease him even more if I was there too..”

“We will make new memories as we go along. You wanna know what my biggest dream about you is?” Hanbin hugged Bobby’s waist even tighter as he said this. 

“What?” Bobby asked curiously. 

“I want to spend my life exploring the world with you.” Hanbin gazed deep into Bobby’s eyes, searching for an honest reaction as he said those heavy words. And what he saw put a huge smile on his face, Bobby was as transparent as the Jeju ocean. The warmth and conviction behind his eyes was so real at that moment that Hanbin would just do anything for him right then and there.

“We will, baby.”

“I trust you. Bobby hyung, let’s go to the beach as you promised. But before that, buy me something from the gift shop.” 

~~~~~~~

They took the exit towards the seaside, two sandwiches and a bag of chips in tow, bought from the food court before they headed outside. The bottled drinks were safely tucked under Bobby’s arm while Hanbin was busy admiring the matching sea otter keychain Bobby had just bought them. He couldn’t wait to put it on their backpacks and flaunt it to the rest of the members.

While Hanbin was busy with fiddling with the keychain, Bobby spotted a cluster of blooming purple and yellow Cosmos flower sprouted from the small patch of soil nearby. He picked the brightest one and pocketed it carefully inside his hoodie pocket. He wasn’t sure what flower it was but it was something that he had seen lining the parks in Seoul. 

They walked the stony path to the edge of the beach, making careful steps on the jagged rocks as they went further along the coastline, a bit off the beaten path. They found a flat rock where they could sit on, and decided to sit there while admiring the view. The weather was perfect for an impromptu picnic by the beach, not too hot and not too cold. The cool sea breeze caressed their faces, blowing salty air that reminded them of their time in Jeju with Jinhwan almost two years ago. 

A lighthouse stood in the distance, casting a picturesque scene alongside the view of Seongsan Ilchulbong. Bobby smiled at the thought of the surprise he had planned. He gestured for Hanbin to sit closer, shoulders touching as they sat facing the vast Jeju ocean. 

“Thank you for taking me here, Jiwon.”

“My pleasure, baby. I’m having so much fun too, spending time alone with you. Are you cold?” Without hesitation, Bobby took off his outer jacket and placed it over Hanbin’s. That was one of the things he seemed to do on an autopilot mode, making sure that Hanbin was always warm and comfortable. 

“..Thank you for taking care of me. I know it wasn’t easy to get permission for us to come here, but you made it happen. Just like everything else in my life so far, you managed to make things work without me knowing. I’m so lucky to call you mine, you make everything worthwhile.”

“And I’m lucky to be yours. I read a quote once, 'Love doesn’t make the world go ‘round but love makes the ride worthwhile.' I don’t think that statement could be any truer.” Bobby took Hanbin’s hand and interlaced their fingers together.

“Do you think we could stay forever like this?” Bobby eyes gazing at the distance, the question wasn’t aimed at Hanbin but rather to the universe as he made a silent prayer in his heart.

“Jiwon, do you believe in soulmates?”

Bobby didn’t answer. It took him a while before he turned his head towards a waiting Hanbin and nodded. 

“I’m holding mine in my hand.”

~~~~~~~

The door to their hotel room closed with a loud bang, Bobby’s body slammed onto the door as Hanbin was kissing him passionately. His kisses had turned sloppy as he impatiently tried to remove Bobby’s jacket and hoodie. 

“Baby, wait..babe..” Hanbin could hear Bobby pleaded but he didn’t want to have to wait any longer. His neck felt feverish with lust as he nibbled on Bobby’s chiseled jawline. Hands were roaming to the underside of Bobby’s grey tank, the last piece of clothing that still covered his upper body. 

Hanbin grabbed Bobby by the waist and dominated over him as they moved to the bed. There was a path made of clothes from the door to the bed, carelessly removed in haste as both boys were lost in desire. Belts clinking as they were removed by the owners and thrown hastily on the wooden floor. 

“I love you, Jiwon,” with bated breath he whispered into Bobby’s ears. His right hand was latching on Bobby’s neck while his left steadily moved lower to reach Bobby’s groin. He squeezed on it gently before he proceeded to move on top of Bobby. Moving so sensuously against him, their adjoined dicks rubbing against each other bringing both of them so much pleasure. 

The movement became so intense as Hanbin explored the rest of Bobby’s hard body, who melted under his touch and was writhing in ecstacy. 

He licked the crease between Bobby’s lips to calm him down, but that seemed to arouse Bobby even further. His moan was getting louder and Hanbin was liking what he heard.  
“You’re so erotic, Bobby,” he whispered. Hanbin kissed his cheeks softly and then moved further down Bobby’s body. Taking his time to play with the aroused nipples that were now had gotten more swollen than ever. He placed soft butterfly kisses on Bobby’s happy trail, then move even downward towards the inside of his thigh, sending fluttering waves of satisfied whimpers to Hanbin’s ears. 

Bobby could feel a warm soft breath on his dick, followed by a gentle touch of lips on the tip. He held his breath in, “Please,” he softly plead to Hanbin with a yearning look.

The warmth inside of Hanbin’s mouth was like fire on his dick. He couldn’t help but jerk his body forward but that didn’t seem to faze Hanbin. Hanbin started slow, licking the whole shaft and giving it gentle kisses. Once he felt satisfied, he moved with a steady rhythm to the beat in his own head, bobbing his head as he gazed so intensely at Bobby’s moaning face.

“Shh..don’t be too loud Jiwon..” He said so as he finished Bobby off and swallowed it whole. 

Bobby was still writhing in pleasure, his toe curling on the side of Hanbin’s body. Hanbin moved forward to give him a soft peck on his lips, sharing the taste of what he had just swallowed to its owner. He hovered above him for a while, hands gently placed on the hard stomach, watching his lover’s pleasured face for the very first time. _Another memory to remember_, Hanbin add on a new mental note in his mind. 

He gave Bobby a chance to come down from his high, and took a cold bottled water from the mini fridge. Moving slowly due to his own unfinished arousal. He walked to the window, opening it a little bit to listen to the sound of crashing waves as the sunset kicked in. 

Hanbin gulped the water and climbed back to bed to give Bobby a drink from his own lips. Bobby drank hungrily, “More..” Bobby said with a hoarse voice from his suppressed moans. 

“We’re not done yet, Jiwon. It’s my turn now. Let me show you how much I love you, much more than what I just did earlier..” Hanbin softly brushed the sweaty bangs off of Bobby’s forehead. 

And they made love again and again, to the sound of the Jeju waves in the distance.

~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was planning to post this for valentine's day but decided to make some minor changes here and there. Enjoy fluffy doubleb! :)
> 
> Part 3. 20/02/25


	10. Daydream (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 3 of 3
> 
> Tattoos, Sea, and You...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joe - No one else comes close

The alarm clock rang abruptly to the tune of Joe’s I Wanna Know, _Tell me what I gotta do to please you, baby anything you say I’ll do.. Cause I only wanna make you happy, from the bottom of my heart it’s true.._

Bobby groaned and blinked his eyes several time. It took him a while to realize that he was not at the dorm, that the bed felt a bit plushier and his chest a bit warmer than usual. He tried to reached out to his phone by the bedside, but couldn’t due to a pair of weighty arms hugging his waist tight. 

They were sleeping cuddling the whole entire night, chest to chest as if their hearts were hugging each other’s tight. Bobby felt Hanbin’s warm breath tickling his neck, whispering untold dreams that only both of them shared. He recalled their intense lovemaking last night, how he melted under Hanbin’s loving touch and lost in his murmured I love yous. How his heart and mind got completely taken away by Hanbin’s deep kisses, how their adjoined bodies spoke of nothing but assurance. They both shared the silent plea for the universe to be on their side, a divine intervention to make sure they would never be apart. 

There was no turning back. And Bobby knew that since the day he asked Hanbin to have his heart.

Bobby didn’t think that such act could left his heart swelled and overflowed with such unexplainable emotions, but then again he had never felt this way before. His soul felt at peace, gazing at Hanbin’s sleeping face. His soft lips looked so kissable under the still of early morning, Bobby smiled remembering the taste of it. As Hanbin laid on top of his body, still and warm and real, Bobby kept asking himself if this was just a dream. But then he could smell Hanbin’s soft peach shampoo from his hair, and the soft sleeping noise he always made that resembled that of a hum. Everything was real, everything felt better than his own happiest dream. A dream that he never wanted to wake up from. 

He noticed some faint red marks on Hanbin’s shoulder, he had bitten it earlier without knowing and he felt quite bad about it. Bobby wrapped his arms on Hanbin’s lean body even tighter, wishing that nothing else in the world would ever harm his lover. He wished to keep Hanbin safe in his arms forever, to be his shield, to be his strength. To be his shoulder to lean on when times get rough, to never let go of his hands even when that’s the only thing he had left to offer.

Hanbin stirred in his sleep, disturbed by the sudden pressure on his back from Bobby holding him a little bit too tight. He made a guttural sound as he moved his head to the other side, facing the slightly opened window where the soft yellow light slowly bloomed in the far off distance. He adjusted his grip on Bobby’s waist, his hand searched for Bobby’s to hold. Bobby winced as he moved his still sore lower back to accommodate the request, but Hanbin’s soft sigh made it worthwhile.

The soft RnB music was still playing in the background, going off the snooze mode for the second time. Bobby rubbed Hanbin’s back, trying to wake him up gently.

“Baby…Hanbinnie..are you still tired..? Will you wake up for me?” He whispered softly.

“Urmhh…” Hanbin gripped Bobby’s hand even tighter and held it against his chest.

“You reminded me of the baby otter who was sleeping on top of his mother yesterday..” Bobby couldn’t contain his fondness of Hanbin’s cute behavior, he traced the curve of Hanbin’s hip and pull them up higher so he could kiss on his face and neck. 

Bobby’s passionate kisses was potent enough to wake a sleepy Hanbin, who smiled shyly as he enjoyed Bobby’s sweet loving. He pretended to still be sleeping so he could get more. 

“Baby, come on I know you’re awake..”

“Jiwon..it’s still too early.”

“I want to take you somewhere.. we have to be there before 6:24.” And then it was Hanbin’s turn kissing on him. He claimed Bobby’s lips and was teasing it with his soft licks, giving Bobby a taste of himself that Bobby was already familiar with by now. 

“Mmm..cuddle with me a bit more..” He was getting ready to slip back into Bobby’s arms. 

“We will miss..what I’m trying to show..you..,” said Bobby hesitantly. 

“…okay..”

“I promise you’ll love it, baby.”

~~~~~~~

“It’s cold, and my tattoo itches..hyung..hold my hand..hyung..”

“Binnie..” He complained but still reached out his arms for Hanbin to hold.

“Don’t scratch it Binnie, I’ll apply some lotion on it when we get back.” 

They hiked the steep slope of Seongsan Ichulbong arms in arms, Hanbin left hand slipped inside Bobby’s jacket pocket, seeking warmth from the owner’s hand. The late September morning in Jeju was still comfortably warm, but Hanbin loved to snuggle close with his human furnace as much as possible. 

Bobby always told Hanbin that he resembled that of a warm spring breeze, and that was exactly what the weather was like at that moment. _How appropriate,_ Bobby thought in his head. His heart beating a little bit too fast that morning, it was as if it was preparing him for something that he had never done before. Like plunging head first into a bucket of cold water, his mind was strangely calm but his body just wouldn’t listen.

Hanbin noticed how Bobby became fidgety the moment they arrived at the park. He grew increasingly concern at the little ticks Bobby did whenever he was nervous; Bobby would randomly space out or answered incoherently to their conversation. It was like he retreated into his own world and Hanbin was not invited.

“Hanbin to Jiwon, requesting permission to land.”

“…what?” Bobby chuckled.

“You’re spacing out. Come back to me, don’t fly off too far.” Hanbin squeezed Bobby’s hand tight inside his jacket pocket.

“Ah..have I been spacing out? Sorry Binnie..” Bobby grinned apologetically. 

“Or you could give me the key. I don’t mind flying to where you are if you give me the key.”

“The key..? What sort of key, Bin?”

They had reached the third resting spot overlooking the sea. Hanbin leaned on the wooden railings while his hands were holding Bobby’s arms. He gazed into Bobby’s eyes, searching for clues, aware that they might get some weird looks from bystanders but he just couldn't care less.

“The key to wherever your mind is at the moment. Please give me the key, let me in, don’t shut me out. I want to visit that place with you.”

“…” 

Bobby studied Hanbin’s face carefully. The sky was still shining its early light, the sun rays peeked from behind the mountains, it had to be another couple minutes before sunrise. His face wasn’t quite as visible under the gentle glow, but oh did he look extra beautiful in Bobby’s eyes. 

“Baby, let’s get to the top first.”

“You’re always like this lately, you’ve been avoiding my questions. You didn’t even give me a solid answer on why you refused to have a couple tattoo with me. I know how much you loved me Jiwon, I know you do. But I wish you could share that part of your heart too, the one you’ve been keeping all these while.”

“Baby..Hanbin…it’s not like that..”

“I know I asked for too much when you’ve already given me a lot. I just..I wish I can have all of you. I’m that selfish when it comes to you, Kim Jiwon.” Hanbin choked on his last sentence, he turned his head away from Bobby, trying his best to not cry. He felt his frustration growing, but he didn’t want it to ruin this special moment with Bobby. The last thing he wanted was to end their first couple trip on a sour note. He exhaled as he tried to gain his composure, he could feel his throat tightening as Bobby enveloped him in a warm embrace. 

“I’m sorry, Hanbin. I truly am. I didn’t mean to shut you out.. I just had a lot of things that I needed to figure out. Baby, walk to the top with me. I promise I’ll tell you everything that I’ve been keeping inside.”

Hanbin moved along the ascending pathway by himself, Bobby trailing close behind. Hanbin was still slightly irritated and now he got even more restless trying to figure out what would Bobby say. Bad thoughts were starting to flood his mind, his pessimistic side taking over, trying to bury his mind inside the countless reasons on why would Bobby be in love with him. He never felt adequate enough to be loved by such a wonderful person, he wondered if he was just taking Bobby in an endless path of wild goose chase. Tying Bobby down when he should be free instead. 

“Hanbin.” He could hear Bobby softly calling on his name. And Hanbin’s mind wander back to last night, how both were blissfully making love for the first time. Uninterrupted and unrelenting. Sure and unfaltering. Bobby had shown him that last night, could it be possible that he was just imagining it instead?

They finally reached to the peak, where several people had already gathered. It was minutes to sunrise at that point, yet they could already see the breathtaking view of Jeju sea and the city it surrounded. The coastline stretched for miles, and the sleepy city could be seen in the distance, calm and serene compared to the bustling and noisy Seoul. 

The peak wasn’t as crowded as the several vantage points before it, as not everyone chose to hike to the very top due to its steep stairs. Hanbin secured a not so crowded spot near the corner, and Bobby silently followed. He felt a bit guilty for lashing out at Bobby earlier, so he leaned his head on Bobby’s shoulder and murmured his apology. Bobby turned his head to kiss Hanbin’s head discreetly, careful not to catch people’s attention as he did it ever so briefly. Hanbin realized how he gravitated toward Bobby naturally, as if a person seeking warmth after long wintery months. _What do I do, I can’t ever lose you, Jiwon. _

They could feel the warmth of sunrise surrounding them as the rays starting to appear in the horizon. Bobby was contemplating on whether he should say what he needed to say at that moment, or wait a bit later and enjoy the moment in silence. He stared at Hanbin’s face, his eyes was staring into a distance with a faraway expression, Bobby could tell that he was admiring the view and making mental note in his mind. But the atmosphere felt just a bit heavy, and Hanbin had been too quiet.

“Hanbin,”—Bobby broke the silence, arms holding Hanbin close by the shoulder—“My dad met my mom when they were nineteen. They were best friends, but they fell in love. My dad could not live without my mom and she was the same way. They were young but they knew, what they had was special. So they made a promise to each other, a promise of forever. Back then they didn’t have anything but their love, and faith that everything will be alright as long as they have each other. But then things weren’t always as smooth as they had thought, and there was a point when they almost gave up on each other.”

Hanbin didn’t say anything, he slid his hand on Bobby’s waist and watched him silently as he continued his words.

“My dad told me, don’t make any promises you can’t keep. Don’t promise anyone forever if you don’t mean it, if you dont’t wanna work for it. Feelings can be fleeting and there will be times when giving up is just easier than holding on.”

Bobby stared deeply into Hanbin’s eyes as he poured out what he had been keeping inside. Like plunging waves that mimicked the sea below them, it came all crashing down all at once. His love, his adoration toward Hanbin spilled like never before. Consuming and overwhelming, Hanbin felt like he was being hit by a huge wave that knocked the breath out of him, only this time, it felt so good, so very good. 

“I don’t know what the future will bring, but I’m ready to face it with you if you promise to never give up on me too. I couldn’t give you the right answer before because I kept asking myself if I’m ready to make the leap. To me it felt like bungee jumping from 764 feet.”

A single tear rolled down Hanbin’s cheek. Bobby had to stop himself from kissing it away.

“I feel like I’m still lacking in many things, I keep telling myself I wasn’t ready to make you happy. But then I realized that this kind of love won’t come twice for me. I love you Hanbin, I feel like I haven’t said it enough. If ever comes a day when I forget to say it, please remind me again and again.”

The first light hit the side of Hanbin’s face, casting a rosy orange glow on his eyes. It glazed so beautifully as tears pooled in his eyes, the warmest shade of brown that Bobby had ever seen. The loveliest pair of eyes that Bobby had ever gazed upon. 

“I haven’t explained why I didn’t want to get a couple tattoo with you. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I’m…waiting for the right moment to come..”

Bobby took out a single flower from the left pocket of his hoodie, a bit withered but it still bloomed beautifully. A single purple and yellow Cosmos flower he found the day before. Bobby had tied the end of the stem into a circle while Hanbin was showering last night. 

Bobby held his breath. Once again he made sure to look deep into Hanbin’s eyes, to let his eyes spoke the words that he couldn’t convey. Carefully, he took Hanbin’s hand and slid the flower ring onto his ring finger. 

“One day, baby. I’ll give you a real ring. Not just that, I promise to get a matching tattoo with you. A mark of love that will never disappear, my forever promise to you.”

Hanbin sobbed quietly. The sunrise felt warm, but their hearts even warmer. 

“Let’s stay together, Kim Hanbin.” 

“We stay forever, Kim Jiwon.”

“We stay forever.”

~~~~~~~

They finally made their way down after they stayed at the peak for almost an hour, enjoying the sunrise and their love. Hanbin kept caressing his flower ring, if he could he would probably shout at the top of his lungs about how much he loved his Jiwon. 

“I love you. ” He whispered that to Bobby so much that it felt like a broken record at this point. 

“This feels like a dream,” he said to Bobby once they reached back at the entrance.

“Back to reality, shall we?” Bobby smiled at Hanbin so fondly. 

“Reality is better than dreams when I’m with you,” Hanbin said it back so proudly. 

“Always,” Bobby grabbed Hanbin’s hand to guide him as they crossed the street to the bus stop. 

“Jiwon….do we have fifteen minutes to spare before we have to check out of the hotel?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is quite short, but one of the hardest for me to write.. Apologies for the delay! 
> 
> New chapter coming in a few weeks.


	11. Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will love remain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mine  
Part 1 of 2
> 
> Sara Bareilles - Gravity

Bobby slammed shut the car door a bit louder than usual. He threw himself on the seat a little bit too hard. Jaws clenched and eyes hard, he was definitely not in the best of mood. He let out an exasperated sigh as the manager hyung started the car to take him back to the dorm. 

“You’re okay, Bobby? Do you want to grab a late dinner before we head back?” Jaeho asked a bit carefully, he could kinda gauge through Bobby’s dark expression that the usually cheerful boy was seemingly upset with something. 

“It’s way past dinnertime, I’m not even sure if I’m hungry, hyung,” he answered bleakly. 

Blood was rushing to his head, Bobby slumped on his seat with his arms rested on top of his forehead, it seemed like he had another dizzy spells, it was the third time that week. He didn’t even remember the last time he had a proper homemade meal, it was always boxed lunch or dinner and sodium-laden snacks from the convenience store. He had been so busy with his solo schedules that he barely saw his brothers. He missed them all but he couldn’t deny that he missed Hanbin the most. 

Bobby had been so deprived of Hanbin’s hugs and kisses, he wondered himself how he had survived that long. He brought a piece of Hanbin with him everywhere he went; a silver leaf pendant tucked neatly in his wallet. Hanbin said he bought it during his childhood trip to LA, at an antique store somewhere in Burbank area. It used to be stored inside a handmade silver shell box, a prized possession that no one dared to touch. Hanbin hadn’t explain why it was so important to him yet, “I’ll tell you the story one day, Jiwon,” Bobby remembered his shy smile after he said so. 

Bobby reached to his wallet on his back pocket, and took out a tiny yellow drawstring pouch from the deepest card slot. He opened it carefully before dumping its tiny content to the palm of his hand. The street was already dark as the car ascended on the highway, but he could see the silver leaf gleaming under the passing streetlight glow. 

_“Close your eyes and open your hand..” Hanbin instructed him one night as they prepared to go to bed after long hours of practicing for their upcoming Asia tour. _

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_“Wae…?” Bobby was confused but still compliant as usual._

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_“Don’t peek!! I can see you peeking, hyung!” _

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_Bobby could hear rustling sounds nearby, the sliding noise of drawer being opened and closed, and finally the familiar weight of his lover straddling on his lap. _

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_“I want you to have this..this is really special to me, I hope you’ll take good care of it, Bobby hyung..” Hanbin kissed him swiftly on the lips then proceeded to snuggle closer into Bobby’s outstretched arms. _

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_“Hmm..what’s this?”—Bobby examined the tiny glimmering silver on his palm carefully—“a silver..leaf..a pendant?”_

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_“Uh huh. That’s what inside my shell box. I want you to have it, it’s yours as much as my heart is too..I’ll tell you the story of how I got it one day, Jiwon,” Hanbin explained rather shyly. _

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_“It’s beautiful..”—Bobby turned his head to kiss the top of Hanbin’s head—“..but still not as beautiful as you..,” he murmured so softly._

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_“Hmm, what did you say?” Hanbin squirmed inside Bobby’s arms, trying to get in a better position to look at his lover’s face. But Bobby had locked his hand behind Hanbin’s neck, to hold him snug against his chest. _

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_“Ah, nothing. Thank you, Hanbin.” Bobby gently rocked Hanbin back and forth in his arms like a baby._

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_“..I’m not a baby, Jiwon..why are you treating me like one..” Hanbin fake sulked while pressing his face against the crook of Bobby’s neck. Bobby’s hug felt like a warm blanket on a cold winter night, and Hanbin felt so comfortable and loved._

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_“..oh you’re not? I thought you’re my baby?” Bobby chuckled as Hanbin started to attack him with kisses. It went from playful fluttery ones that gradually turned into drawn out kisses and lingering love bites and bodies pressed together as they melted into each others’ touches. _

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_“I thought you said we both needed to rest..,” breathlessly, Bobby tried to remind Hanbin that they needed to wake up early for practice tomorrow. Yet, as much as he tried to stop Hanbin from going too far, that was also how much he loved being loved by Hanbin. Halfheartedly, he tried to distract Hanbin by asking him about the pendant._

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_“Tell me more..about..the pendant..Binnie..what made it..special..i wanna know..ugh..Binnie..please..”_

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_“I’ll tell you..”—Hanbin took the pendant from Bobby’s palm and slipped it under his own shirt—“..only if you can get this back from me. There’s a catch though, you can only use your lips to get it, Jiwon..” He smiled so triumphantly._

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_“Huh..Challenge accepted. Don’t blame me if you get hurt, baby. My lips can get pretty..naughty..”_

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_“I’ve seen all your techniques..” Hanbin withheld his breath as Bobby proceeded to slowly remove the shirt with his lips._

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_“You haven’t seen this one yet, Hanbin..” _

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_Hanbin was then heard moaning softly, agreeing to that statement._

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Bobby sighed as he reminisced on the past, remembering the good old times when they were playful and carefree. Nowadays everything seemed so bleak. He felt like in a perpetual limbo, running around in circles with such uncertainties. It felt like his reality was heavier than his dream, the dream that he shared with Hanbin and the rest of the team. 

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He wondered if it was just fatigue clouding his mind, or he really was losing himself. He felt mentally and emotionally tired from all the constant pressure on his shoulder, yet he felt like he hadn’t done enough for Hanbin, for his team, for himself. 

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It had been three weeks since he last spend a full day with Hanbin. They seemed to always..missed each others’ timing. Hanbin would be busy in the studio as he was expected to churn out more songs, meanwhile Bobby would be asleep from exhaustion by the time Hanbin came home. Just earlier, Bobby had to cancel their dinner date for the third time that week. He chuckled as he remembered how Hanbin cutely whined during their texting spree while Bobby was in the waiting room for his meeting with the management. He couldn’t help it, the schedule went on longer than he was initially told, not to mention he was called to the office at last minute to discuss some future collaborations plans. But he left the meeting feeling so worthless, so small and hopeless. 

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“I miss you..” Bobby whispered to himself as he held up the silver pendant to the passing street light. He was lost in his thoughts, the harsh words from the Sajangnim playing on a loop in his head, _You wouldn’t want to disappoint your parents do you, Bobby?_ It had been eating away at his conscience ever since. 

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Light sprinkling of rain was starting to pound on the car window, and his mind wander back to the song he made for Hanbin. **Draw me out Baby, in your dreams tonight, so I can go visit you..** Oh how he wished he could cuddle with Hanbin right at that moment, warm in each others’ embrace. He missed the soft lingering touch on the back of his neck that never failed to lull him to sleep. The sound of Hanbin’s gentle breathing and the smell of baby cologne that Hanbin wore before he got in bed, only because of that one time Bobby mentioned how he adored soft baby powder smell. Bobby realized how he hadn’t had peaceful sleep ever since they both became too busy. Funny how they were living together but falling asleep in Hanbin’s arms just seemed like a wishful thinking at that moment. 

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Bobby stared outside the window, his eyes chasing around the raindrops as they went. The sprinkle of water had turned into heavy rain, pitter pattering in an unsynchronised beat against the noisy windshield wipers. The soothing sound of rain calmed his heart a little bit, assuring him that there were still simple joys to be found amidst the chaotic enigma of being an idol. 

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For weeks now, Bobby had been contemplating on the idea to modify the silver pendant that he currently clutched over his heart. He was toying with the idea of incorporating it with his preexisting pieces so that fans wouldn't notice. After all, their relationship was a secret that he intended to keep; not for the sake of himself but for Hanbin and his brothers. He just realized then that Hanbin had never told him the story of why the pendant was special; they got way too distracted back then and Bobby had totally forgotten to ask him about it after. _What a sly little baby,_ he thought of Hanbin fondly.

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A buzz on his phone alerted him of an incoming message. He wondered who texted him at three thirty in the morning as he put the pendant back in its pouch and stored it back safely in his wallet. Hanbin must had left the studio and probably already asleep, he would usually be back in the dorm a little after three in the morning. Bobby felt a bit guilty now that he remembered that he had left Hanbin’s last message on read because he was called in the meeting as he was about to reply.

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For a second he thought it was a text from his brother or parents; both his mom and dad were back in Virginia for a short month to prepare for an important family event. Turned out the message wasn’t from them. Bobby’s face turned grim when he saw the sender’s name. 

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_Are you fucking kidding me?_ Bobby wanted to say it out loud but held it in because of he didn’t want to startle Jaeho. He thought the hurtful words earlier was the last of it but apparently the Sajangnim felt the need to send another guilt trip message. He bit his lip a bit too hard and felt the slight iron taste in his mouth, trying to keep the flood of swear words from escaping his mouth. He knew better than to let his emotion get the best of him, his mom had taught him better than that. He wished he could just vented all of his frustration to her and received a warm hug in return, but she would not be back in Seoul until the end of the month. 

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His stomach growled in protest when he took deep slow breaths to calm himself down. He glanced on his Casio watch and couldn’t even remember when was the last time he ate. And then he realized where else he could get a tasty homemade meal and a warm hug. His aunt must had been already up at that hour, prepping ingredients for the day’s operation. 

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“Jaeho hyung, do you mind dropping me off at my aunt’s restaurant? I know we need to take a detour and we’re already so close to dorm, but I’m really craving her homemade kimchi jigae. I’ll take the taxi back to the dorm later.”

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“I’m not supposed to let you wander around by yourself..but okay Bob. Just promise me you will be back before five? And are you okay with not sleeping? I mean, we still have that schedule early in the morning. You’ll probably only get two hours of sleep at most?” Jaeho replied with a concerned tone.

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“It’ll be okay. I’ll just sleep in the car on the way to Paju tomorrow.” Bobby leaned back in his seat with a heavy sigh.

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_________________________________________________________________________________

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The faint morning light had already peeked between the blinds when Bobby arrived at the dorm. Bobby slowly made his way into his room, careful not to make too much noise that would wake his brothers up. It was still a bit too early for any of them to wake up, especially on days when they had gruelling dance practice the night before. 

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He almost got inside the door when he heard a small cough coming from the dark living room. 

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“Bobby?” A small voice thick with sleep calling out to him.

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“Bin?” Bobby stopped in his track and approached the lump of thick blanket spilling out from the worn out white sofa. A familiar silhouette and the faint baby powder scent filled his senses when he removed the blanket gently from its owner. 

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“Why are you sleeping here? It’s cold out here, baby..” Bobby whispered softly as he gently brushed the bangs away from Hanbin’s still half closed eyes. Bobby finally felt at ease, being able to share the still of the morning with his other half. 

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That feeling didn’t last long though, as he was completely taken aback by Hanbin’s reaction who swatted away his hand in annoyance. He just stared expressionless as Hanbin sat up in a huff and arms folded across his chest. 

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“Where the hell have you been? Your schedule ended hours ago and there’s no way your meeting ran this late.” Hanbin couldn’t hide the slight annoyance in his voice.

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No answer. Only the loud hum of the fridge to fill in the awkward silence in this dark room.

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“Why didn’t you text me back? I tried to ask Jaeho hyung but I didn’t get any reply as well. I know you’re busy but you could’ve at least text me back? I was worried sick!” 

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Still no answer.

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Hanbin starting to regret what he said, maybe he was overreacting a bit. He finally turned his head to face Bobby and found him staring emotionless at the window. Realizing that Bobby was not in his best mood, Hanbin softened his tone as he took the hand that he swatted away earlier and held it in his. It felt warm. 

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“I’m sorry, hyung. I was just really anxious ‘cos I didn’t hear from you since you said you were called out to a meeting but then you’re still not back home hours after that..I was waiting for you earlier, thinking that we could go to sleep together.. I shouldn’t be yelling at you like that..forgive me..?” He reached out to caress Bobby’s cheek, before he kissed it softly. 

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The thought that that specific gesture had always been replied with a kiss, yet all Hanbin got was a tired smile. It tugged at his heartstrings, seeing Bobby looked so worn out and seemingly defeated.

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“Sorry I had to cancel our dinner, Bin.” Bobby finally broke his silence.

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“That…it’s not your fault so don’t apologize. Hyu—Aniya..Jiwon, are you okay? Baby, tell me what’s going on? Or you know what, you can tell me about it tomorrow. Let’s sleep? You need to rest, I don’t want you to get sick..” Hanbin gathered his blanket and was about to sit up from the couch to drag Bobby to his room when all of a sudden, he heard a stifled sob that startled him.

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“Jiwon..?” Right then and there, Hanbin knew something was wrong. He immediately crouched beside Bobby, offering him his shoulder to lean on as he draped his arm over Bobby’s shoulder. The other hand instinctively went to cup Bobby’s face, thumb gently wiping the silent tears away. 

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“Shh…Jiwon, it’s okay..it’ll be okay..” His touch remained on its designated spots, offering comfort and unspoken love. He continued to hold Bobby without saying a word aside from the occasional _I love you _that he whispered intuitively. 

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For all the other parts in Hanbin’s life that remained ever changing, his love towards Bobby had always been a constant. It anchored him firmly in place, knowing that he had a heart to come home to each time. 

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Bobby loved Hanbin just as deeply. He thought of Hanbin as his universe; his own personal gravity. He was pulled into it willingly, without much thought. It was as natural as taking a deep breath after resurfacing from underwater. He needed Hanbin and Hanbin needed him. He rested on that belief, that nothing would ever make one of them leave. 

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Little did Bobby realize that he had unwittingly drifted away, carried away by a personal storm that he wanted to deal with on his own. Because out of all the physical forces in the universe, the gravity is by far the weakest of them all. 

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“I’m okay, Bin. I just have a terrible headache, that’s all. We should go to sleep—Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you like that, babe.” Bobby put on a brave face, uttering words that couldn’t even convince himself. He reached for Hanbin’s hands, but Hanbin had already found his. 

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Hanbin held Bobby’s hand tightly as he searched for the truth in Bobby’s warm eyes. Bobby wondered if his facade had betrayed him, he knew that Hanbin had always been so perceptive. 

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It was as if he was put in a middle of a suffocating interrogation room, it was as if his own soul was about to be uncovered. Bobby couldn’t take it anymore and had to look away. He was preparing himself for the millions of questions that he thought Hanbin would ask. 

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But Hanbin stayed silent. 

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And then Bobby could feel a soft finger under his chin, coaxing his face up so they could see each other face to face. 

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“Jiwon, you’re mine and I’m yours. Whatever you’re facing, think of me as your co-captain, I’ll ride out the wave with you.” 

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Gently, Hanbin moved forward until his lips touched Bobby’s. He felt Bobby’s hesitation as he coaxed the older’s lips apart; he moved so slowly, almost too delicate from what they were used to. 

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He could no longer think straight as he felt Hanbin’s body pressed onto his, savoring every touch and the taste of each others’ lips that they missed so much. For a moment he wanted to just runaway together, to drown in each others’ love like nothing else mattered. 

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Bobby knew he couldn’t promise Hanbin his honesty, but at that moment it felt like he wanted to give Hanbin the world if he could. He felt guilty for keeping things to himself and at the same time so in love with the boy in front of him. So in love that he would die for Hanbin if he had to. 

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And precisely because of that, Bobby believed that the least he could do was to shield Hanbin from his storm. He would ride this out on his own.

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Realizing that the sunlight had started to pierce through the blinds, Hanbin gave Bobby one last peck on his lips. He took Bobby by the hand to their bedroom, guiding him straight to bed and disappeared for a bit to bring him back a cup of warm water and honey and a pill for his headache. 

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“Drink this, and sleep,” he demanded.

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Hanbin yawned and cuddled next to Bobby as soon as Bobby finished chasing down the pill with the warm honey water. 

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“I love you, my co-captain,” Bobby whispered in Hanbin’s ears. 

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“Aye-aye..I more than love you, my Jiwon.”

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___________________________________________________________________________________

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_“Bobby hyung, bobby hyung, hyung..!!!” Hanbin barged in noisily into Bobby’s studio, leaving trails of tiny paper balls from the worn out notebook in his hand._

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_Bobby removed his headphone and smiled sweetly at a fresh faced Hanbin who seemed to be excited to tell him something. Hanbin grabbed Bobby by the hand so they could sit together on the long sofa instead, losing no opportunity to give the older boy a snug back hug. _

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_“Whatcha doin’?” he clung on Bobby’s back, head resting on the broad shoulder. He took the liberty to take the can of sour cream and onion Pringles from Bobby’s grip, munching noisily near Bobby’s ears but he didn’t seem to mind. Bobby sneaked a quick kiss on Hanbin’s forehead as he was fiddling with the now empty can, couple pieces of chips were left in his hand. _

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_“I’m doing some finishing touches to a song that I hope will make it into the album. I’ll play it for you, let me know what you think,” Bobby said so as he prepared to sit up. Hanbin couldn’t help himself and planted a soft kiss on Bobby’s cheek, before he fed him the last piece of chips and let Bobby went back to his seat. _

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_The chair softly creaked as Hanbin took the seat beside Bobby. Hanbin couldn’t help but stare at Bobby’s smooth plump lips as he was concentrating at the screen in front of him, accompanied by the clicking clacking of the mouse trying to find the right file to play. _

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_“Hyung, you’re handsome. You’re cute. And you’re mine. And I can’t believe I’m this lucky sometimes.”_

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_The beat played as soon as Hanbin finished his sentences. “Rae helped me with the composition,” Bobby talked over the song but Hanbin was already lost in the music to hear him properly._

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** _Locked with your thoughts  
I’m swimming  
With u right here  
I’m swimming  
With no-one else  
I’m swimming  
Wanna be with u ma bae.._ **** **

** **** **

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_“I love it, hyung. I think I like this the most out of the all the songs you’ve shown me so far.”_

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_“You like it? I’m glad. You know, I have the best muse,” Bobby smiled shyly and turned his attention back to his computer screen. _

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_“Really, who IS your muse, Bobby hyung?” _

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_“I’m not telling.” Bobby made the gesture of zipping his mouth shut with a sly smile._

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_“Ah, seriously, hyunggg..” _

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_Hanbin tried to tickle the answer out of Bobby but ended up straddled on Bobby’s lap instead. _

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_“Kiss me, and I’ll tell you.”_

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Flashback entered Hanbin’s mind as he was about to enter Bobby’s room for the first time after almost a month. Their relationship felt off lately. It was like they were riding on a different wave and it started to affect their ability to communicate properly. Their fiery chemistry on stage however, remained as good as usual. But then right as soon as they exited the stage, it was as if the fire got extinguished and Bobby was dumping a bucket of cold ice water on him, just like what he did years ago for a charity challenge. Only this time, Bobby was not warming him up behind the camera.

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It had been a month since Hanbin witnessed how Bobby broke down, he didn’t confront Bobby on it but since then he had sensed that something was wrong. Hanbin had tried digging information from Jaeho and Jinhwan but neither of them knew what was going on. Although, Jaeho did mention that Bobby did look disgruntled that night after the meeting, but as he was not included in the meeting, he couldn’t offer further explanation than that. 

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Hanbin was waiting for Bobby to be honest about what was bothering him, he didn’t want to force out an explanation to satisfy his own curiosity. He just couldn’t understand why Bobby was keeping things for himself, when he practically begged him to shoulder it together. All Hanbin wanted was to have Bobby rely on him, genuinely on his own volition. Just like he used to in the past. After all, wasn’t two always better than one?

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Hanbin opened the door slowly, peeking through the cracks of the door before entering. Bobby was seated at the edge of his bed, typing something on his laptop. _That’s odd_, Hanbin thought. Normally, Bobby wouldn’t bring his work into bed, especially not when he knew Hanbin was coming for a sleepover. 

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“Hyung?” Hanbin walked in with a smile, pretending he didn’t just peek at Bobby for the last few minutes. 

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Freshly showered in a blue and yellow ducky pajamas, Hanbin looked so young with his messy hair and soft pink round cheeks. He brought with him his favorite pillow that Bobby randomly found at Don Quijote during their last Japan concert stop; it promised _Exceptional Lumbar Support!_ and _Feels Like Sleeping on Clouds!_ and Bobby had to have it. Of course it was proven useful for other activities too, things that still made Bobby blush whenever Hanbin teased him about it. 

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“Are you..in the middle of something?” Hanbin was a bit taken aback when he saw Bobby closed his laptop abruptly the moment he came in, as if he was hiding a secret.

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“Ah, Hanbinah. You’re a bit early. Ah, um, no..i was just looking at the upcoming sneaker releases,” Bobby placed the closed laptop on his desk, and then approached Hanbin to give him a hug and a quick peck on the lips. 

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“You look cute, Binnie, what’s with the ducky theme, makes me wanna take a long hot bath with you,” Bobby squished Hanbin’s cheeks and softly caressed the back of his neck. Hanbin loved the attention as always, but this one felt like Bobby was trying to distract him from asking questions. 

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Hanbin eyes narrowed as he observed Bobby’s unusual behavior. He noticed Bobby’s eye bags had gotten bigger, and there was an apparent shadow around it. His eyes looked tired but he still forced a smile on it. _Oh, Jiwon,_ Hanbin wanted to scream and sulk at Bobby for this.

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“Earth to Hanbin?” Bobby waved his hand in front of Hanbin’s dazed face, until his hand was caught by Hanbin’s strong grip. 

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“Tell me what’s wrong,” Hanbin finally said it. There was a commanding tone in his voice. A determined look in his eyes. 

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Hanbin begged in his heart that this time Bobby would listen.

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“Nothing’s wrong, baby. What made you think that? I’m totally fine, see?” Bobby flexed his arms muscles with a huge accompanying grin, expecting Hanbin to laugh at his corny pose as usual. 

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“I didn’t mean your PHYSIQUE”—Hanbin sighed, half amused, half slightly annoyed—“I wanted to know what’s bothering your mind, Jiwon, be honest, please, for my sanity,” Hanbin gazed warmly into Bobby’s eyes. He couldn’t help but be soft when it comes to this Kim Jiwon, **_his_** Kim Jiwon. 

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“Binnie, I promise you there’s nothing to worry about, okay? Trust me,” Bobby inched forward and grabbed Hanbin’s waist closer so their bodies touched. “Trust me, baby.”

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It took a while for Hanbin to reply, but he finally said it too, “I trust you.”

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_____________________________________________________________________________________

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Bobby woke up with to the sight of a completely messy bedsheet and clothes strewn out on the floor. They had a wild night together, exchanging words of love in between the sheets. Hanbin was still snoring softly next to him, legs clinging onto his and stopping him from leaving. 

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Bobby needed to shower soon for his schedule, so he tried to wake Hanbin up gently but to no avail; if anything it made Hanbin’s grip on him a little bit tighter. It was always hard to tear himself apart from Hanbin’s warm embrace, but then Bobby was comforted at the thought that he would see him again later tonight.

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Hanbin moved his left arm to encircle Bobby’s upper body, mumbling incoherently in his sleep as he hugged Bobby’s body closer. By then Bobby had just noticed the long scratches he accidentally made on Hanbin’s arms last night, cursing himself for not being careful. 

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Bobby caressed the marks slowly, grabbed the body lotion next to his bed and applied it gently on Hanbin’s skin, whispering “mianhae” with each touch. Reminding himself to _Cut your damn fingernails, Jiwon!_ Hanbin stirred in his sleep, seemingly aware of the gentle gesture but it wasn’t enough to wake him up completely. _He must be exhausted,_ Bobby thought as he caressed and kissed Hanbin’s cheek tenderly. 

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He was about to sleep a bit more until his alarm would go off, when he heard his phone vibrated on the table. Grunting, he reluctantly picked up the phone to read the new incoming message. 

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_Bob, I got another message to relay from Sajangnim, he wants me to remind you again to tone down your relationship with Hanbin. It’s getting too obvious and he’s not happy about it. _

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_Fuck this._ He swore under his breath and almost threw his phone on the floor, but then he remembered that Hanbin was sleeping next to him. The sight of Hanbin bathed in warm morning light calmed his heart a little. Bobby sighed as he stared blank at the ceiling, aware of his own sets of doubt resurfacing for the countless times since he had that talk with the Sajangnim; or rather than a normal civilized talk, it was more like him getting scolded and yelled at. 

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Bobby then remembered the unfinished conversation with his brother the night before that he had to end abruptly when Hanbin entered the room. He slipped a kiss on Hanbin’s forehead before disentangling himself carefully from Hanbin’s arms. He reached for the laptop that was placed on his computer desk, opened the clamshell to find his brother’s last kakaotalk chats that he hadn’t yet reply.

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It was filled with words of encouragement, simple and tender yet straight to the point. Bobby had always admire that special trait of his. Jiun was someone that he looked up to the most; an honest guy with a very determined set of goals and discipline unmatched by any other person Bobby knew. But that was what Bobby had thought until he met Hanbin. The similarity was so uncanny, that Bobby thought Hanbin was more fitting to be Jiun’s brother than himself. 

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_Jiwonah, you should never blame yourself. Everything has its own timing. And that includes you and the boys. Have faith. Your hard work will never betray you. _

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_I think you’ve done well in protecting your team. And in turn the boys are protecting you. So stop thinking that you haven’t done anything. You don’t have to follow other idols’ footsteps, create your own. I know you can do it. What matters the most is to be true to yourself. Never lose that._

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Bobby thought long and hard on what to reply, his mind in a whirlwind of questions. Jiun and his fiance were flying in in a month, to attend one of the Japan tour stops concert. Sometimes Bobby wished Jiun would move back to Seoul with the family, but then he was already keen to start a family in Virginia instead. 

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He typed some words, and then deleted it. He was contemplating if it was the right way of coming out about his relationship to his brother. But then he always thought that Jiun had already knew. The way Jiun spoke and asked about Hanbin was always different from the rest. 

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_Say..hyung. If. Hypothetically speaking. I have a secret that might “ruin” the team.. Well, not my secret, more like Hanbin and I, so ours. If..  
If I let Hanbin go..you know, let him get away from the responsibility of this so called “secret”..will it..be the best way to protect the team?_

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Bobby paused as he reread his reply. 

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Deleted.

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Right as Bobby finished deleting the last word, the alarm on his phone rang noisily. He tiptoed his way to the other side of the room to turn it off, while examining a still sleeping Hanbin on his bed, satisfied that the alarm didn’t seem to wake him up. 

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Bobby fixed the blanket that covered Hanbin’s upper body and kissed him softly on the lips and whispered “See you tonight, Baby,” before he finally headed to the shower.

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Right after the door was shut, Hanbin opened his eyes. He had been awake for a while, just pretending to be sleeping still. He saw Bobby’s laptop screen showing a chat screen and wondered if he should read it. His curiosity got the best of him, so he peeked at the sender’s name and was relieved that it was Jiun. 

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Hanbin read Jiun’s reply with a tiny frown, finally figured out what was going on.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________

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The walls next to the Bobby’s bedroom door vibrated slightly from the thunderous slam, the loud bang echoing inside their cramped dorm. Hanbin moved angrily to the kitchen and grabbed a used mug on the counter, filled it to the brim with cold water and chugged it all at once. 

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He almost smashed the mug when he put it down angrily on the marble surface, the dizzying pattern mirrored what he was feeling inside. And then he saw what mug it was and it irate him even further. It was a gift from one of their fan sites, customized with a cartoon drawing of both him and Bobby looking so happy, running around in a flowery field. A complete and total opposite of their relationship at that moment.

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Hanbin couldn’t take it anymore and headed to the door, trying to put his shoes on hastily but ended up getting even more frustrated cos he couldn’t get it in pass the tight lacing. 

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“Hanbinah, where are you going?” Jinhwan peeked his head into the foyer. Their eyes met for a split second but Hanbin quickly turned away. He was not in the mood to answer questions, all he wanted was an answer from one person and one person only. _And that person is being a jerk_, he fumed as he slammed the door behind him one more time.

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“Hanbin, wait up! Hey! What’s going on!” He could hear Jinhwan trying to catch up to him. That night was colder than he thought, and he cursed his dumb self for carelessly wearing a sandal after he gave up on putting the shoes on. He could feel his toes curling up under the chilly weather and he knew he wasn’t going to be able to walk too far. 

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He slowed down his pace, aware that Jinhwan was now silently trailing him from behind. He knew that Jinhwan would demand some sort of explanation for his angry outburst. _Maybe I need to let it out after all,_ he thought dejectedly. 

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Hanbin turned at the corner and went into the nearest 7-Eleven. He went straight to the instant ramen area, grabbed two bowls and two hotbars and joined Jinhwan who was waiting with a concerned face at the seating area overlooking the empty street.

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“What do you want for drink, Jinan hyung?” 

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“Buy me banana milk, I don’t bring my wallet with me. And give those ramen to me, I’ll cook it at the machine.” Jinhwan replied calmly. 

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_“Hyung..Bobby hyung, look at this list I found, ‘The Most Romantic Things To Do Around The World’. Here, look! Woah.. hot balloon ride in Cappadocia, seeing the sunrise at Taj Mahal, stargazing on the summit of Mauna Kea..Hey! Even Locks of Love in Namsan Tower made this list! We should go and put a lock there, Bobby hyung!” Hanbin rambled on before he realized that Bobby was not paying attention. _

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_“Hyung, are you listening, hey hyung..Bobby hyung..Kim Jiwon..!” Hanbin just noticed that Bobby was glued to the game on his phone._

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_“Jiwon! You’re annoying!” Hanbin thought he got to 'fake it ’til you make it', and so he was going to pretend sulking to prove a point. He was getting tired of being ignored lately. _

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_“Sorry baby, but can we not talk about this right now?” Bobby threw his phone on the bedside table rather carelessly, it hit his wallet and landed on the hardwood floor but he just couldn’t care less. _

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_Hanbin could tell then that Bobby was in a weird mood swings, something that was slowly becoming an everyday occurrence for him to witness. He’d be lying if he said that he was okay with Bobby’s sudden change. He was hoping that he just needed to endure this phase for a bit longer._

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_‘Maybe he was tired and overwhelmed with everything that’s been going on lately’, Hanbin thought. _

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_“Okay,” Hanbin replied curtly._

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_“Im sorry, I didnt me—well I just thought the idea of us being able to do those things is kinda..a bit farfetched for now? Maybe in a couple years..but then..I dont know..” Bobby trailed off, letting his words hung in the air. _

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_Deep down inside, Hanbin felt slightly hurt. He wasn’t sure of what he was feeling but he was disappointed. He definitely thought Bobby would be as excited as he was, imagining their perfect dream trips. But all he got was a cold response. And Hanbin could taste the bitterness from Bobby’s nonchalant answers, felt just like a bitter pill that he had to swallow unwillingly. _

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_“It’s fine, Bobby hyung,” Hanbin tried to contain his feelings and laid next to a yawning Bobby who looked like he was getting ready to go to sleep. As usual, Hanbin had his legs on top of Bobby, wanting to hold him closer._

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_“Bin, it’s hot, I can’t sleep with you clinging to me like this.” Hanbin could feel his legs were being moved. Albeit gently, it felt like the biggest rejection and he couldn’t take it anymore. _

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_“It’s always like this lately! You’re busy with your phone doing god knows what, and just now you rejected me even though you used to love it when I hugged you as we sleep. You know what, you’re being such an ass and I hate you!”—Hanbin rose from the bed and stomped his feet to the door,—“and just for the record, I hate when you’re ignoring me.” He said the last sentence coldly before slamming the door shut behind him._

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Hanbin retold the story of what happened earlier with a shaky voice, still emotional and angry over what had just transpired. 

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“Do you think I overreacted, hyung?”

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“I’m..not sure either. I mean, he has been treating me the same but I can tell something is bothering him, even though he always tells me everything’s fine. It must be my moth—brotherly instinct. I thought you knew, I thought he told you.”

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“You’re a mother to all of us, a tiger mom and we’re your cubs, hyung,” Hanbin grinned weakly. He was glad that he could still joke around with Jinhwan. He contemplated a bit but decided not to tell Jinhwan that he kinda knew when he accidentally read Jiun’s messages weeks prior. 

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“Yah, call me a mom one more time and I’ll shove this hotbar up your nose,” Jinhwan replied with his scary smile.

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They chewed their food in silence as they watched the rain was starting to pour. 

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“Hanbinah, let Bob figure things out on his own. Let him tell us what’s bothering him in his due time. Come on, we should head back before the rain gets heavier.”

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“Wait, let me buy Bobby hyung that slice of pizza before we head home,” Hanbin had been eyeing that last piece of cheese pizza rotating inside the heated display near the cashier.

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Hanbin and Jinhwan were about to enter the dorm when they stumbled upon a discarded beer bottle lying next to their messy shoe rack. On top of that, they heard heavy bass thumps from one of the rooms.They exchanged glances as they walked inside, Jinhwan visibly upset because of it. They would get in trouble if one of the managers did their random dorm check; thankfully Jaeho had already visited earlier that night. 

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It didn’t take long for them to find the source of the loud music, it came from inside Bobby’s room.

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“Want me to talk to him?” Jinhwan offered, seemingly having a premonition that things would end badly. 

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“…I’ll go talk to him,” Hanbin sighed. 

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Hanbin walked in to Bobby’s room without knocking, finding his lover sprawled on a floor laughing to whatever was playing on his phone.

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“Ah, Hanbinnie! You’re back! Where did you go? What’s that on your hand?”, Bobby greeted him with a slurred speech.

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Hanbin could smell the alcohol on him. Gritting his teeth, he tried to deal with this calmly.

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“How many bottles did you drink?” 

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Hanbin watched Bobby tried to sit up with a bit of difficulty, his eyes were bloodshot and unfocused, his hands were grabbing on the shelf to steady himself. Hanbin patiently waited for his answer and was met with a shrug. 

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“You’re fuckin wasted. How many bottles did you drink? I found one near the entrance, this is not the result of just one bottle. What were you thinking drinking so excessively ? Why are you doing this to yourself, Bobby hyung?” Hanbin tried to ask calmly but in Bobby’s ears it sounded so accusatory. 

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“I’ve had four, okay! Just four. It’s not much at all.” 

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“It’s plenty when you’ve done it in such a short period of time! Are you kidding me! Why are you trying to hurt yourself!”

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“Stop worrying about me so much, Hanbin!”

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“What did you say? I know you’re drunk but you don’t have to be stupid as well!”

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“So now you’re saying I’m STUPID? Ha, thanks for the compliment, Hanbin. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go to sleep.” Bobby walked unsteadily to his bed that was a mere three feet away and crashed himself onto it.

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Hanbin looked at him with sad eyes. He used to believe that his love had managed to offer Bobby a bit of solace in times of pain. But then he started to think that maybe it was all just wishful thinking in his part. 

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All of a sudden, he saw Bobby sat up on his bed, took a deep breath, and spoke to him in a gravelly voice.

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“Have you ever felt worthless..?” Bobby spoke slowly, as if he was savoring the pain that each word inflicted on himself.

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Before Hanbin had the chance to answer, Bobby had asked him another question. 

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“Why do you look so sad?” He stared straight into Hanbin. 

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“Because you speak to me with words, and I look at you with feelings,” Hanbin finally answered.

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“You said there’s nothing to worry about, you said I have to trust you. But you lied to me,” Hanbin continued with his reply, trembling with frustration as he went. 

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“I didn’t lie to you..” Bobby gritted his teeth trying to control his own emotion. 

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“You lied to me! You said there’s nothing wrong!” Hanbin could feel his throat tightening.

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“I said there’s nothing to worry about. I wasn’t lying to you, Hanbin. There’s nothing for YOU to worry about, this is MY problem, it has nothing to do with you.”

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“Oh so you’re using word play now? You know, Jiwon, for such an amazing lyricist you’re writing such a shitty excuse right now.”

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“Shitty? Is that what you think of me? Shitty and stupid?” Bobby was fueled with alcohol and anger at that point. If it wasn’t Hanbin, he would had already knocked this person to the ground.

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“I didn’t mean you, I meant your attitude! Your attitude is stupid and shitty as hell, I hate it so much!”

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“You don’t have to know every single thing about me, Hanbin.” Bobby sneered coldly.

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“Are you serious right now? Is that what you think of our relationship, Jiwon, no, Bobby? If that’s how it is, you’re not the Kim Jiwon I know. You’re Bobby, you’re this badass tough rapper who doesn’t care shit about what other people think as long as you’re happy. Is that what it is, is that how you wish to treat me? To treat our relationship?”

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“Maybe.. maybe it’s for the best.”

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“What did you say?” 

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“Maybe it’s for the best that I’m changing into this ‘Bobby’. I’m no longer the Kim Jiwon you know anymore. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m supposed to be this tough rapper instead, that way I don’t have to care much about anything anymore aside from my family.”

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“Was that your hidden desire all this time, BOBBY? Caring for me must be so hard, huh? It tires you so much, huh? You know what, I’m gonna stop right now. You’re drunk, and I’m sleep deprived, we’re only gonna say words that we’ll regret in the morning. I’m gonna go calm myself down and sleep.” Hanbin turned his back and was making his way to the door when he heard the words that would forever be engraved in his mind. 

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“Hanbin, I’m sorry. I think it’s best that we stop this.”

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“Stop..this?” Hanbin couldn’t believe his ears. 

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“Hanbin, let’s stop this. I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. I love you too much, let’s end it here.”

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“Kim Jiwon, make it make sense!” Hanbin screamed in frustration. 

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He threw the packaged pizza at Bobby’s face, who was so dejected at that point that he no longer reacted. 

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“What happens to never giving up? What happens to ‘please remind me again and again if I forget to say I love you’? What happens to all those promises you made to me back then in Jeju!”

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Bobby couldn’t answer and was just staring sadly at Hanbin.

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“Was your promise just like that flower ring you gave me? It withered and died after a while even when I tried so hard to preserve it?” Hanbin said it to himself as he took the dried flower ring from the silver shell box he kept hidden inside their shared drawer. His hands were shaking uncontrollably, it felt like he was going to faint. He crushed the dried petals in his hands, letting the remnants fell and scattered on the floor.

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Trembling, Hanbin walked to the door and without ever looking back at Bobby, he said, “I told you once how I wanted to be your Dory. Well.. I wish I am now so it’ll be easier to forget you.”

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As soon as Hanbin was outside the room, he broke down in tears. Little did he know that Bobby was too. 

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The next day, Bobby found a can of Dawn808 next to his bedside table with a messy handwritten note that said, **_Take care._**

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was inspired by this beautiful quote from an old movie titled “Pierrot le Fou” that was released in 1965, “Because you speak to me in words and I look at you with feelings.” 
> 
> The moment I saw that quote I thought of writing this chapter, knowing that things would turn angsty and miserable for a while. But then again, I always believe that every relationship needs its own set of problems to grow. 
> 
> Part 2 coming very soon.


	12. Like Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of 2.
> 
> "I put my own happiness first, and that’s you."
> 
> Mood: Better Kind of Bitter - Peachy Pavement

_______________________________________________1. Pain

“Please don’t leave like this.” Hanbin begged.

“Be happy,” Bobby’s raspy words rang in his ears, echoing as it went.

“But my happiness is with you,” Hanbin whispered back into nothingness. 

Hanbin woke up drenched in cold sweats, his shirt stuck uncomfortably to his back. He was no stranger to bad dreams, but it had been a while since he had a particularly bad one. He scoffed sarcastically as he realized that his reality was no better. 

He tossed his sweat soaked shirt carelessly to the floor, the same shirt he wore to the convenience store earlier. He had fallen asleep with the music on, tried to calm himself down by getting lost in the songs. Remnants of dried tears formed crusts on his eyelashes, a reminder of an awful night that had just happened. 

The music was still playing softly from the speakers on the top of his bed when Hanbin woke up, for the first time he was glad that he no longer had to share room with the others. Like a broken record, he hummed to Olstead’s A Love That Will Last as he stared at the darkened ceiling in his empty bedroom. Eyes wide awake in the dark, hand searching for a spot that no longer felt warm. He could feel dried tears on his cheeks, reminding him of the reality that he was trying to run from. Bobby was no longer his, and he was no longer Bobby’s, or at least that was what he thought. He was unsure of whether things had ended or simply were put on halt. He desperately wanted more explanation, but it had to wait until tomorrow. Truth be told, he was afraid. Scared that Bobby’s feeling had dissolved into nothingness, even though he did say that he loved him still. 

Hanbin shivered under the blanket. _Has it always been this cold?_ He curled up in a ball, trying to retain whatever heat he had from his body. The remnants of that dream was toying with his mind, and now the chilly room made his negative thoughts run wild. 

Hanbin was drowning in it, welcomed it almost. He knew he had to hoist himself up from this wave of sadness that was pulling him under. But he no longer wanted to struggle, he was tired of fighting it. He pulled up the blanket to cover his whole body, to be lost in total darkness as he wallowed in self pity. 

The longer Hanbin hid under it, the more it reminded him of Bobby, of his undeniable presence in the room. Of the warmth they used to share and soft fluttering kisses in the still of the night. It still had the traces of Chanel Bleu perfume, as if reminding him that they had just shared the bed last night. 

_So call me romantic..  
Oh I guess that must be so  
There’s something more that you oughta know  
I’ll never leave you,  
so don’t even ask.  
I want a love that will last.._

_Bullshit._ His throat tightened as he listened to the lyrics, a tender love song that he used to adore was starting to sound so sarcastic in his ears. As if it was mocking him of his own misfortune, the way he had love slipped between his fingers. All these while he wondered if he was looking at this relationship through rose tinted glasses, lost in its sparkle and the promise of forever.

_Why did we have to end it?_

Broken promises and memories of last kisses filled his mind, taking away his sleep. His mind was numb but his body ached all over. He patted his chest a few times, partly out of habit; but that night he felt something that he didn’t quite understand. It was something foreign, something new, the way his body reacted to this heartache and manifested it into something real. It was almost suffocating him, the weight of this invincible despair. Ruthlessly consuming his thoughts, like broken waves that swallowed him over and over again. He squeezed his eyes tightly, trying to stop the tears that were ready to fall. 

_Wake up to the reality, Hanbin, he’s no longer yours. He ended it. His hugs are no longer yours, his kisses are no longer yours. His heart..is no longer yours. He ended it._

Hanbin wept silently at his own thoughts. 

_Is this what heartbreak feels like? Just a couple hours ago you were still mine, Jiwon. _

He wished he could turn back time. To fix the trust, to see the signs. He tried to calm himself down, tracing back to the past and what mistakes he might had done.

_Was it really too late? Was he just overreacting? Maybe all those stress had finally gotten to him. Maybe tomorrow he will take back what he said.._

Hanbin kept trying to think of possibilities, scenarios of what ifs, if only to console his own heartache. He racked his brain, trying to figure out what went wrong, only to find disappointing dead end.

He. just. couldn’t. understand. 

“Why couldn’t he tell me what has been bothering him. ARE WE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE ANYMORE..,” he whispered those questions into thin air, knowing no one would be able to answer but his Jiwon. If anything, Hanbin was holding on to the tiniest hope in the horizon, the mere mention of “I love you too much”.

_No way he lied about it._ Hanbin was struggling to convince himself. 

Hanbin suddenly remembered Jiun’s messages that he sneakily read, blaming himself for never having confronted Bobby about it. He didn’t think much about it back then, confident that it must had been an issue that Bobby would be able to overcome, considering his positive outlook on life.

_So stop thinking that you haven’t done anything_, Hanbin remembered that message clearly. The doubt that surrounded their career, Hanbin understood it well. After all, he lived it too. Struggled with it too. 

_"Have you ever felt worthless?",_ the traces of Bobby’s sad voice suddenly played in his mind. 

Hanbin never got the chance to see how Bobby responded, nor Bobby’s reply to those messages. It was starting to dawn on him, the circumstances that pushed them both to the limit, not having much choice but to surrender to it. Could it be the sole reason why?

_But if that was the only issue, why did he have to break up with me. We’re supposed to deal with it together, just like how it has always been.._

“Could there be something else he’s hiding from me?”, he murmured to himself. His entire body cocooned inside the blanket, wishing its scent was able to warm his heart too. 

A somber melody starting to play in his head, bittersweet tears as he coped with the dull pain. He opened his notebook in haste, scribbling messy words before he could forget. 

_Running on the shore  
Trying to find ways to get back to you  
Staring at the waves  
Wondering if this is the right place to go to  
Dont hide no longer my love,  
For I have waited far too long in the nearby cove._

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_Wind blows too hard  
And nights get too dark  
And I’m laying all alone without you by my side_

That night Hanbin finally realized, what it meant to truly love someone. 

___________________________________________________________2. Hope

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Those stages are often mistakenly used to explain the pain of losing someone. But the theory only applies to those who had loved and lost, not when you grieve for someone who is still very much alive.

It had been weeks, and Hanbin still hadn’t had the chance to talk things through with Bobby. Bobby had been avoiding him entirely, only pretending things were fine whenever they had to perform. Even so, Bobby was sending mixed messages; and for that Hanbin was getting even more frustrated. 

So Hanbin played along. 

Sometimes, he would observe Bobby from a distance, noticing his tired smile and how much Hanbin wanted to pull him close in a warm embrace. To come back to each other just like how things were always meant to be. 

Hanbin often caught Bobby glancing at him from afar, only stopping whenever their eyes met. Or how Bobby would unconsciously wrapped his arm around him whenever they were sitting side by side during schedule, only to held back whenever Hanbin did the same. 

The other boys knew, they heard what happened that night. And they observed silently as they could see both were still seeking each other’s heart. Like an empty void they couldn’t fill, no matter how hard they both tried. 

Hanbin had tried confronting Bobby during the stint of their Japan tour, waited for him in front of the hotel room. Only to be met with cold eyes and icy voice, even though they just had a playful banter on stage earlier before. 

_“Can we talk..?” Hanbin leaned over the door, preventing Bobby from entering his own room. _

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_“I’m tired, Bin.” Bobby avoided his eyes and stared at the deserted hallway instead._

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_“It won’t take long, I promise,” Hanbin tried to keep cool, but Bobby’s cold attitude was starting to annoy him. _

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_Bobby didn’t reply, but he pushed Hanbin softly to the side so he could tap the card key on its lock. Hanbin moved an inch, purposely invading the limited space they had._

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_They entered the room in silence, lamps and air conditioner turned on promptly when Bobby slid the card into the slot. Hanbin waited patiently as Bobby was taking his time to remove his shoes and jacket. Observing the room, noticing how strangely nostalgic it was. They had stayed at this hotel in the past, back when things were happier._

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_As promised, Hanbin went straight to the point. He took Bobby by the wrist and pushed him against the wall. Bobby didn’t say a word. He could’ve easily break away from Hanbin’s hold, yet he didn’t. And Hanbin knew that. Bobby just stared at him without a smile, jaw clenched, unrelenting. _

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_“Look at me. I’m here, I’m real. I’m not just a figment of your imagination, Bobby hyung. You’ve been acting as if I don’t exist. As if I no longer matter.”_

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_“You matter to me. We’re a team, we’re family.” Bobby stood breathless. _

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_“What we had, what we still have, is different from the others. Don’t play dumb, you know that, Bobby.” Hanbin inched even closer, until there were no longer gaps between them. _

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_“It was all in the past. We had our run, now it’s time for us to move on. Hanbin, you agreed to end this.”_

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_“I never did! I never wanted it! You assumed I did because..because I walked away that night?…That night, you broke me. You crushed my heart like I crushed the ring you gave me,” Hanbin was starting to get emotional, his voice trembling with frustration. _

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_“I’m sorry.”_

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_“If you’re truly sorry then please fix this—“_

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_“I can’t. I… I’m sorry, Bin, but I can’t.”_

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_“Why. Why. Just why. I don’t understand. Please help me understand the reason behind all this. I know you still love me. We still love each other. Why can’t we be together?,” stubbornly he asked. Fingers clenched on Bobby’s shirt, eyes brimming with angry tears. _

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_“Hanbin. I’m tired,” Bobby tried to remove Hanbin’s hand as gentle as he could. The smaller hands felt cold under his palm, Bobby paused as he reminisced on how soft it was._

__

__

_As much as Hanbin was struggling, Bobby was having a hard time too. The thought of kissing Hanbin’s pillowy soft lips and softly caressing his face flashed through his mind. They could just end all this nonsense, they could just love each other again. But Bobby knew he had to hold back. _

__

__

_For Hanbin. For the team. Bobby closed his eyes, trying to regain his composure. _

__

__

_Without warning, Hanbin took the chance and grabbed around Bobby’s waist and started kissing him roughly. Hanbin had his hips pressed against Bobby’s, preventing him from getting away from his embrace. His lips roamed hungrily, as if making up for lost times. _

__

__

_For a minute, Bobby was lost. He savored the taste of Hanbin’s lips, moaning breathless under his touch. He missed it too much, like a lost love finding its way home. The fingers roaming inside his shirt no longer felt cold, it matched the warmth of his own. But the moment Hanbin whispered something in his ears, Bobby came back to reality. He needed to stop this. It was never intended to be the fairytale they both hoped to be. Or so he thought. _

__

__

_“Stop,” Bobby ended his kiss abruptly, pain etched on his face._

__

__

_Bobby stepped out of the room to clear his mind, leaving a flustered Hanbin behind. _

__

__

_ In the hallway he could faintly hear Hanbin screamed in frustration._

Hanbin was starting to feel hopeless, everything felt like an endless nightmare. Pain had turned to anger, and anger to denial. His head was telling him to stop, but his heart refused to let go. He was living his days on a loop, throwing himself to work even more to the point where he spent almost 24 hours in his studio, only going back to shower and eat together occasionally. Even sleeping in the studio became an everyday occurrence, his bed hadn’t been slept in in days. There was no point in sulking, Hanbin knew that. He just hated going back to an empty and cold bedroom, where there were no more laughters and warmth. And where everything made him miss Bobby even more. 

He had written countless sad songs, but now he finally understood the pain. The lyrics were no longer just words, and the melodies were sung from the soul. Unpretentious and simple, bittersweet yet honest. 

The chair he sat on creaked in protest as he stretched his sore back. The clock on his phone showed 1:00 AM, it was still a bit early for him to end his workday but he figured he’d go back to the dorm to take a hot shower and fresh set of clothes. He had been feeling under the weather, his body ached all over. He wondered how nice it would be to have his shoulder massaged the way Bobby used to do, they way he used to baby him. But he quickly dismissed that thought before it went too far, again. 

He entered the warm dorm bundled up in the thickest hoodie he owned, yet that mere walk from the studio was enough to have him shivering with cold. His bedroom felt slightly colder when he entered, probably because it hadn’t been lived in in a while. 

He took out the cellphone from his pocket and grabbed the cable on top of his bed to leave it to charge as he showered, and that was when he noticed that his bed looked empty for some reason. It took a while for him to realize that his blanket had gone missing. The blanket that he had been meaning to wash to get rid of someone’s scent. 

Confused, he wondered if he had thrown it in their shared laundry hampers before he head back to the studio and forgotten that he did. 

Hanbin took his time showering, mind clouded with a lot of questions. He left his head under the running water for a moment, it felt nice to be distracted by the constant gentle pressure. The hot steam melted away the tiredness in his body, although his mind was still going miles a minute.

He wiped away the steam that fogged up the bathroom mirror before getting dressed. Looking at himself in mirror, asking himself what was he doing with his life. The script tattoo on his shoulder blade reminded him that he had been in that place before, a dark endless tunnel that he no longer wanted to revisit. Back then someone took his hand, back then he wasn’t alone.

Hanbin reluctantly made his way to the the downstairs dorm before heading back to the studio, the last thing he needed was to get scolded for working nonstop. He punched in the code, trying to move as quietly as he could so to not wake anyone up. Right as he stood on the foyer, he could see the door that lead to Bobby’s room. Relieved that it was closed, meaning that the owner was inside sleeping soundly. 

_At least one of us is getting enough sleep, at least he’s taking care of himself, _he thought bitterly. 

He made his way to the laundry room, rummaged through the sweaty used clothes and cursed under his breath. It was a high pile but he still couldn’t find his blanket. He looked inside the dryer and it was empty, so as the clothes line outside at the veranda.

“Hanbin?”

He almost jumped out of his skin when he heard someone called out to him from the darkened hallway.

“Aaah..hyung, you scared me, what are you doing still up?,” voice still a bit shaken up from the shock.

“I got thirsty,” Jinhwan answered nonchalantly. He half dragged Hanbin to the kitchen table and turned on more light. 

“Here, have some water. Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, I thought you’re a burglar or something but then I thought no burglar would wear a yellow hoodie to work.”

Hanbin gulped the cold water hungrily, that seemed to calm down his heartbeat a lot. But not before he made a witty remark about burglary work beforehand. 

“What are you looking for back there? And why are you dressed like you’re going out again..,”—Jinhwan eyed him suspiciously—“You’re going back to the studio, aren’t you? Hanbinah..”—he sighed—“How many times do I have to tell you to take care of your health..” 

Jinhwan didn’t say anything else but caressed Hanbin’s head lovingly, and that made him lean his head against the older’s chest. It had been a while since someone had done that to him, he missed it so much although the feeling was not quite the same. 

“Jinani, have you seen my blanket? I couldn’t find it in my room and it’s not in the laundry room either..,” Hanbin’s soft muffled voice coming from Jinhwan’s embrace. His face finally poked out of it as Jinhwan moved to take a seat next to him on the dining table. 

“Not that I recall. You have the same one as Bobby, right? Just a different color? Have you tried asking the others?”

“Nope,” Hanbin shrugged.

“Maybe it was just misplaced somewhere after it got washed and dried? I’ll help you ask them tomorrow. Are you really going back to the studio at this hour? You should sleep, work can wait..We have to shoot that music video next week and you have been looking really pale lately.. As for the blanket, you can take my spare one, or you’re welcome to sleep with me?” Jinhwan sounded concerned the more he observed how pale Hanbin looked under the yellow kitchen light. 

“Ah, thanks for the offer hyung, but I really need to finish tinkering with this one song, I’m not gonna be able to sleep properly anyways if it’s not done,” said Hanbin stubbornly.

“…are you doing okay, Hanbinah?”

“Yeah, sure, why wouldn’t I be,” he chuckled nervously as he tugged on his earlobe. 

“..okay”—Jinhwan sounded unconvinced but he let it go—“But make sure to get enough sleep, will you? It’s a couple weeks to our comeback and you know you get sick easily when you’re too tired. Good night, Bin.” Jinhwan yawned as he ruffled Hanbin’s hair one more time before heading back to his bedroom.

“Jinani..” He called out softly.

“Yeah?” 

“I’m not okay.”

“I know.”

“I just couldn’t figure out the reason why he had to break up with me. It’s driving me nuts”—his voice got even smaller, almost whispering at this point—“And I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried to move on. But I can’t.”

“Maybe he got his own battles to fight.. I don’t see him doing that to you because he no longer loves you. I can see that he still cares. Tremendously.”

“He said that he loved me too much. That’s why we had to end it. How does that make sense? He can love me less, I won’t mind,” said Hanbin with a sad voice, staring blankly at the wall. 

“…you know he can’t do that. He won’t do that. Even if everything changes, his love towards you will remain the same, just maybe in a different form..,” Jinhwan said, unsure about it himself. He questioned Bobby’s decision many times, but kept it to himself. He loved them both like brothers he never had, and it saddened him to see them both hurting this way.

“I peeked into his message with Jiun hyung once—“

“You did what?”

“I was curious, I know I shouldn’t but I couldn’t help it ‘cause he’s been acting weird. So I peeked, but he hadn’t replied to it yet. I don’t remember exactly, but something about protecting the team..”

“Protecting..us?” 

“But what does that have to do with him breaking up with me, hyung?..,” he pleaded for answer from Jinhwan, desperate for any kind of clue, any sort of explanation.

Jinhwan pursed his lips, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. His hand kept caressing Hanbin’s head, while Hanbin kept staring at him waiting for an answer. 

“Maybe I have a vague idea what it might be about..”

“What is it, tell me Hyung! Jebal..”

Jinhwan took a long deep sigh, “You need to wait for him to tell you himself. I..can’t explain it well. Be patient, Hanbinah. He will come through, he just need some time to figure things out..”

“If only it was so simple, hyung.” 

“I can’t promise you anything, but trust me when I say that he’s doing his best to protect you, and us. And in turn, we will protect you both.” 

Hanbin shrugged, “Maybe I was the only one foolishly holding on, when there’s nothing more to hold on to..”

“Maybe. Maybe not. If you love him, you’ll know the answer to that.”

Jinhwan yawned one more time, his eyebags were prominent on his smooth porcelain skin. 

“Go to sleep, hyung. Thanks for hearing me out, I’ll head to the studio for a bit before it gets too late. I promise I’ll only be there for an hour or so.” 

“Good night, see you tomorrow,” Jinhwan head back to his bedroom, leaving Hanbin all alone sitting at the kitchen table. 

Hanbin was making his way to the foyer when he had the sudden urge to peek into Bobby’s bedroom. Just to see his sleeping face from afar. Just to see if he could find the answer to his own question. 

He questioned his sanity as he placed his hand on the door handle, wondering if it was the right move to return to an old routine, to a familiar place he wasn’t sure he still had access to. He winced as the door creaked open, the gap from the small opening was filled with a familiar scent. He could never pinpoint what it was, a mixture of minty shampoo and musky cologne, but it smelled like home. 

It was kind of hard to see for the past few seconds, but as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could see a silhouette wrapped under a thick blanket, with its small head peeking from the top of the opening. The boy had his back facing the door, seemingly to be deep in sleep. Hanbin gathered his courage and entered the room, slowly and unsure, for the first time in a while his heart and brain were working in sync. He only had one thing in mind, to see Bobby’s sleeping face. Just that. 

_I’m being such a creep._ He smiled bitterly as he tiptoed his way into the room, purposely not closing the door to let the hallway light in. It was a bit of a struggle, trying not to trip over the mess on the floor. Bobby hadn’t budge from his sleeping position, the blanket moved up and down in a slow rhythm. 

Hanbin was about to move to the end of the bed to get a better glimpse of Bobby’s sleeping face—he swore to himself he would leave after this— Lucky for him, the sleeping boy turned over in his sleep, his face could now clearly be seen under the faint hallway light. 

Hanbin froze in an instant. He almost couldn’t believe his eyes. 

He swore under his breath, caught in a whirlwind of emotion, he was ready to succumb completely. Desperately. He was fighting every inch of his feeling not to approach the bed, not to come closer. 

There Bobby was, with his pouty lips and dent between his eyebrow, the curvature of his face was the most beautiful thing Hanbin had ever seen, imperfections and all. Hanbin had memorized the way those perfectly chiseled jawline moved when they kissed, the soft fluttery eyelashes that tickled his cheeks as their faces pressed together. 

And he was clutching Hanbin’s blanket. 

** _My blanket.  
My Jiwon. _ **

“I love you. Is it okay, to not give you up?” Hanbin whispered with a shaky voice, felt like there was a lump in his throat. He swallowed hard, and it tightened even more. 

_Oh, what the hell. _

Hanbin dashed out the room, not even bothering to close the door. The last thing he wanted was to get caught crying, but at that moment what he felt was unreal. Like a plethora of emotions ready to burst at the seams. Anger, bitterness, pain, longing, love. **Saudade. **

He ran as hard as he could to the studio until he could no longer feel the wintery cold beating hard on his uncovered face. His head screamed in protest, it felt like someone pounded his skull with a heavy bat. His vision was starting to blur, tears started forming in the corner of his eyes. But he kept on running. 

The moment he entered the studio, he plopped himself down on the sofa and sat in a fetal position. Looking out at the window in silence trying to process everything. His tears had dried but the feelings remained. The serene view outside offered such a contrast to his chaotic heart. 

_The weight of my love and yours, is it the same, Jiwon?_

Hanbin leaned his head on the armrest, closed his tired eyes as he stretched his body on the cold leather sofa. 

“Maybe I’ll know the answer soon,” he mumbled to himself, drifting away to sleep. 

And for the first time in what seemed like a while, the bad dreams didn’t haunt him that night. 

_____________________________________________3. Jealousy

Bobby woke up in a bit of a bad mood, he barely slept last night and his eyes felt like someone had glued them shut. He had caught a glimpse of today’s script for their new music video and he didn’t like what he saw. He knew things like kissing scene would be inevitable in this industry, but he didn’t think much of it until he saw Hanbin’s name attached to it. 

He dragged his feet to the bathroom, figured a nice hot shower would perk him up for the early morning shoot. His footsteps were heavy as he finished his shower and moved to the sink to brush his teeth. He splashed some cold water onto his face, hoping it would erase the grogginess from his head. Bobby had always been a morning person but music video shoots started at ungodly hours; hours in which it was even too early for him. 

He stared at his own reflection in the mirror, water dripping from his tense jaw. There was a pimple on one side of his cheeks, he had been stress eating lately. His usually plump lips were dry and cracked, the dry winter air hadn’t been kind to it. His eyebags were prominent under the harsh bathroom light, but it was nothing a good concealer couldn’t cover. 

“Huh,” he laughed sarcastically at his own thoughts. _Funny how my life works, it’s so easy to cover what is visible to the eye yet so damn hard to mask what’s hidden inside. _

Bobby had come to term with his feelings, understanding that what he did was the best for everybody, or so he thought. Countless lonely nights, longing to have Hanbin back in his arms; he dismissed all his desires just to protect what mattered the most. He hadn’t watched Winnie the Pooh for a long time, his childhood favorite remained a thing in the past, yet one of the quotes remained near and dear to his heart. “Love is taking a few steps backward, maybe even more..to give way to the happiness of the person you love,” and Bobby couldn’t agree more. 

He managed to bury those feelings deep, knowing that he kept his love for Hanbin blooming silently in his heart. Dreaming of him from time to time, living in a dream where they could be together all the time. But today of all days, those feelings surfaced at the slightest disturbance, as if the ripples from his own concealed longing finally resulted in a wave of jealousy. 

It finally occurred to him, he had never felt this possessive over someone before. 

Maybe it was the thought that someone else would touch Hanbin’s lips, or the mere fact that it would forever be recorded as part of their team’s history. Replayed over and over again for everybody to see.

Bobby understood how the industry worked, yet all things aside, he couldn't help but feel what he thought was a tinge of jealousy. He knew he was being ridiculous, it was their job after all. But he thought it was perfectly human to be mad over seeing the person you love kissing other people, the only problem was Hanbin no longer his..and he had no reason to be sulky about it.

What was going on in his heart, Bobby could no longer understand. And he was fighting hard to ignore it. He even went out of his way to avoid being alone with Hanbin as they waited for the shoot to start. Yet of all the things that were so hard to decipher, Bobby’s action had always been easy to read in Hanbin’s eyes. His emotions were clear as day, his mood was as transparent as ever. 

Bobby was mostly silent that day, joking around only when prompted by others. He twitched uncomfortably when he heard the other boys teasing Hanbin for the kissing scene, forcing himself to laugh knowing that they were being filmed for behind the scene. His heart was in chaos, but he thought he managed to conceal it well enough on screen. 

He slipped to the backroom as soon as the director yelled cut, their first group scene finally ended after several unsuccessful takes. His next part wouldn’t come until hours later, so he decided to take a nap on the sofa. Sleep approached him rather quick, yet it was a restless one. He drifted in and out of sleep and at one point even felt someone was softly caressing his cheeks. He even thought he heard someone whispered “I love you”, but he was convinced that was just his imagination. 

The dreaded scene came after their brief lunch break. Bobby tried to avoid it but the director called him on site so they could shoot the behind the scene in tandem. 

His throat felt dry all of a sudden, he took a huge gulp of water before he entered the set. The moment he saw Hanbin sitting face to face with the female model, he almost lost his mind. It was one of those brain fog moments, he wasn’t quite sure how to react nor to say. He wondered if it showed on his face because he saw Hanbin smirked happily. Was it directed at him? 

_Relax, Jiwon. Pull yourself together. You’re not a kid anymore. And Hanbin is no longer yours. You made the decision, remember?_

Bobby was trying to convince himself that he was just slightly bothered. Completely normal. He went through this with his exes before. He would be alright this time too. 

He watched in silent as the crew prepared for the shoot, gritted his teeth as he watched Hanbin being playful with the model. He tried hard to stay composed amidst the internal commotion that was taking place in his heart. It became even more unbearable as the director yelled Action! and they shot the scene for the very first time.

Bobby could’ve sworn he was okay a minute ago, yet it was as if those little intimate actions that he was forced to see was the little spark that finally ignited his full blown jealousy. His breath started to hitch, his stomach tying in a knot. He felt cold sweat started forming on the back of his neck, even when the studio was so chilly that most of the crews were wearing down jackets and beanies. 

Bobby started to question everything. The way this scene reminded him of how Hanbin smiled before he kissed, the way he called out his name, and how warm his lips felt.. 

“Ya, Hanbinah, hyung is proud of you!” Bobby cheerfully winked at the camera when the assistant director had the camera pointed at him. He didn’t notice Hanbin was staring at him from where he was seated, face to face with the model but his gaze was always planted to somebody else. 

“All right, that about wraps it up for this behind-the-scene, we’ll shoot some more when you guys are all together,” the assistant director gave both him and Donghyuk a huge pat on the back and left hurriedly to assist the director with Hanbin’s shot. 

Bobby had enough. He quietly walked away from the set while the other boys joined them to tease Hanbin. He thought he was clear about the line he didn’t want to cross but then he no longer understood where it ended and where it began. Everything blurred under his unresolved feelings and deep longing. He felt suffocated under his own decision. 

He wanted Hanbin to belong to him, and only him. Desperately. Plain and simple. Loud and clear. Sadly only in dreams but not in reality. 

Bobby entered the nearest restroom at the end of the building, figured it would be the only place where he would get a little bit of privacy. He didn’t want to be around anybody, at least until he regained his composure and feelings in check. 

Inside one of the cubicles, where he thought he was alone, Bobby sat himself down on the toilet seat cover, and forced himself to think. The good outweighs the bad, their dreams outweigh his sad. No matter how unfair it turned out for him.

“Love is taking a few steps backward…” he recited that slowly in his mind.

He reached for his wallet in his back pocket, took out the yellow drawstring pouch with the silver pendant inside and held it up to the only light source in the dingy restroom. He still hadn’t heard the promised story from Hanbin, maybe one day. He pressed it on his lips, not quite kissing it, but rather carefully observing it. How it felt cold on his lips, how he could faintly trace the shallow carvings through his nerve endings. 

“Our love was real, wasn’t it? And in my ideal world, we will never have to part..” Bobby spoke as if somebody was listening. 

The buzz from his cellphone reminded him that he was still at work. He still needed to put on the mask for a couple more hours. Literally and figuratively. His face already felt itchy from all the makeup, he couldn’t wait to wash it off. Reluctantly he came out of the cubicle, washed his hands at the tiny sink, and practiced his poker face on the scratched up mirror. 

Bobby stepped out the restroom without realizing that his wallet was still halfway in his back pocket. He froze instantly the moment he saw someone was leaning on the wooden hallway, looking at him. Waiting for him. 

He took a deep breath and kept on walking, pretending no one else but him was there. 

“You dropped something, Bobby hyung,” that person called out to him.

Bobby took his wallet and the yellow pouch that had mysteriously found its way out without saying a word. Not even a thank you. He was worried his voice might trembled. 

“Is that what I think it is, the thing I gave—?”

“…” 

“It didn’t touch, hyung. Our lips didn’t touch.” 

“…Okay.” Bobby wanted to kick himself for answering so coldly. 

“It wasn’t a real kiss. It wasn’t even a kiss.” Hanbin moved closer to where Bobby stood. 

“…Okay.” Bobby’s tone became softer the second time.

“I’m always yours,” Hanbin planted a soft kiss on Bobby’s neck. Breathless, Bobby just stayed still. 

“Okay.” 

_____________________________________________4. Longing

“Hi Appa,” Bobby closed the door behind him gently, afraid of waking his grandma up. He came to his parents' house rather late that night, he got caught up at work and arrived almost 3 hours later than what he intended. Tomorrow was the one weekend that they would be free of schedule, so Bobby had decided to come home. 

Bobby’s Dad was sitting crossed leg on the floor in their living room, whistling cheerfully as he assembled his newest One Piece figurine. It looked like he was almost done, although the figurine was still missing the famous straw hat. 

“Ah, son. Have you eaten? Mom made kimchi jeon earlier, there’s still some leftover if you’d like?” He put away the unfinished piece and joined Bobby in their modest kitchen, but not before groaning his muscle awake as he sat up. 

Unlike other artists, Bobby didn’t care much for materialistic things; a trait that he seemed to inherit from his parents. His parents were content to still be staying at the first apartment Bobby helped purchased when they returned to South Korea. They insisted that the place held so many memories so they didn’t feel the need to upgrade to a fancier apartment in the same area. Bobby didn’t mind as long as his parents and grandma were happy. To him, this place was just a place, a space separated by walls and doors. To him, his family were his home. 

“Yum.. I have but I’m not gonna say no to her kimchi jeon, you know that Appa,” his mouth began to salivate, remembering the taste of his Mom’s kimchi pancake. It reminded him of his childhood in Virginia, it reminded him of simpler times. 

“Where’s Mom?” Bobby happily munched on the warmed up crispy jeon, courtesy of his Dad, just the way he always liked it.

“She was on a call with Jiun earlier but I think she might’ve already fallen asleep waiting for you,” His Dad yawned as he explained. It was way past midnight and Bobby felt bad for keeping him up. 

“Then Appa, you should sleep too, I’ll crash out myself once I’ve finished this,”

His Dad sat up and ruffled Bobby’s hair roughly.

“Sleep well, son. Ah, any request for breakfast tomorrow? I’ll tell Mom to cook it for you?”

“Hmm.. Can she make me gyeranmari? With extra cheese!” He smiled thinking of eating his favorite food at their breakfast nook, at his favorite spot right on the corner where the sunshine gathered, surrounded by his most favorite people. 

“You got it.” Another pat on Bobby’s shoulder and then he left Bobby who was still eating to sleep. 

Bobby chugged almost half of the chilled barley tea in the fridge after he got done washing his dish. He made sure to grab a glass of water with him to take to his room; but instead of sleeping he dragged his tired body to the living room couch and just sat there for a while. 

He felt full yet empty. Tired yet awake.

He placed his palms over his eyes, trying to rub the tiredness away. He saw stars floating by in the darkened space, tiny prickling colored dots in his peripheral vision. When he was little he used to play this game before bed, making up scenes from those swirling patterns of colors until he fell asleep. Like his own mini movie theater.

Some random kid on the playground told him that he could press his eyes really tightly and it would go away. But Bobby had never succeeded to do so and he had never seen that kid again to ask for more instructions. No matter how he tried, the light shows stubbornly stayed. Coloring his darkness, persistent in its existence.

Just like the feeling he was trying hard to repress. Those fleeting memories played on his mind on random times throughout the day. Making sure he remembered. Making sure he wouldn’t forget.

And today of all days was exceptionally hard, especially after he woke up from a nap in the practice room and found Hanbin sleeping next to him. Sprawled together on a long bench, head to head as if they were creating a perfect mirror image. Decalcomanie, as people often said. 

Painful longing, was what he felt. 

Bobby jolted awake when he felt someone tapped his shoulder. 

“Why are you sleeping here, Jiwon?” A rough voice called out to him.

It was still dark outside although the faint sunlight was starting to rise in the distance. 

“Wha—?” He barely registered where he was at and who woke him up. It took him a full minute before realizing that he was at his parents' house, he could already smell his Mom’s cooking that he missed. 

“It’s already morning, you fell asleep on the couch last night. Mom is preparing lots of gyeranmari for you, with extra cheese,” His Dad said softly as he handed him a fragrant cup of coffee. 

“Appa..can I ask you something?” Bobby was finally awake but it felt like he hadn’t slept. It was a dreamless sleep, the kind that he hated the most. He scooted from his position to let his Dad sit next to him.

“Sure thing, son.”

The leather sofa made a funny sound when he sat and that made both of them grinned. Boys will always be boys.

“What made you so sure that Mom is the one?” Bobby asked carefully, with a slight hesitation in his voice. He didn’t know if his father knew the kind of relationship he had with Hanbin in the past, but his hunch kept telling him that his old man had figured it out. 

“Hmm..Do you want a long or a short answer, Jiwonah?”

“Both.”

“Short answer, was because I love her dearly. I thought If I could love your Mom as much as I did, then I will be able to nurture the love for her for the rest of our time together. And after 33 years, I love her even more today than the day I had that thought.”

“You’re a lucky guy, Appa.”

“I am one heck of a lucky guy, and you’re lucky to be her son.” He praised his wife with apparent twinkles on both eyes. 

“Now for the long answer?”

His Dad seemed to be gathering his thoughts. Bobby waited impatiently, his knuckles was already sore from the repeated cracking.

“**To love at all is to be vulnerable.** That’s the one quote I remember the most when I first met your Mom. Our pastor said it in one of his sermons, remember the late Pastor Joon? Both your Mom and I bonded over C.S. Lewis’ book when we first got introduced to each other. To us, it meant to love fearlessly. But of course both of us were young and fearless back then. 

As our relationship grew we learned through the hard way, that there will always be good and bad moments. That sometimes people need to go their own separate ways for a while, and for some lucky ones they will manage to find each other again. Sometimes falling out of love isn’t the only reason couples separate, as both me and your Mom had discovered. And that’s why it needed that one extra thing for a relationship to work, the willing to fight for it, to nurture the love so it won’t be crushed under the weight of life’s problems.

And that’s when the quote presented another meaning to me. To love is not to do it fearlessly, but rather bravely. To be strong in the face of fear, because fear is necessary. If we don’t have the fear of losing someone we love on a healthy degree, we won’t be able to appreciate being loved by them. I knew she is the one because she made me realize how I appreciate being loved by her.“

His Dad paused for a while and that was when Bobby blurted out another question, this time with a slight hesitation. 

“But how did you know that finding your way back to Mom was the right decision? What if you both were never meant to be?”

Bobby’s Dad suddenly smiled assuringly, as if he had already understood the unspoken truth. 

“Son..” He took a sip of his coffee before answering. The smell of fresh brewed coffee wafting from the porcelain mug made Bobby followed suit. 

“Relationships aren’t perfect. It was never made to be that way. Much as two different souls finding their ways to each other, they’re bound to encounter bumpy roads along the way. It’s up for both to work their way through. I knew it was the right decision because we both were doing the exact same thing, finding our way back to each other even when the road was extra bumpy,” he chuckled reminiscing the past. 

Bobby wished someday he would be able to do the same, to look back to these days and see lessons instead of pain. 

“How do you know if it’s not worth it anymore? How do I know I’m not fighting a losing battle..”

“When both of you hurt one another just to hurt each other, instead of fighting at the same problem together. Two wrongs never make a right. It’s best to walk away if that’s the case. And son, what’s meant to be will be. It’s not up for us to decide. Trust the process, your heart will lead you the way.”

“I’m starting to see why you and Mom are so happy all the time.”

Bobby’s Dad laughed as he messed his son’s hair. 

“One time when you were little, I think you were still about this small,”—he gestured his hands to measure a length of no more than 30 centimetres from the floor, clearly teasing—“You asked me to draw a cartoon version of our family, then you told me to use the brightest crayon in the box on yours. I think it was something lemon..Ah, Lemon Yellow it was called! So I drew you as a lemon boy, smiling brightly just like the sun. ”

Bobby’s Dad seemed to have fun reminiscing on young Bobby, sometimes he wished he hadn’t let Bobby grew up too fast. His wife especially, was having a hard time accepting that their youngest son with reddened cheeks and dimply smile had to leave them to chase his dreams. It was not until the airing of the first survival show that they had finally learned of Bobby’s motivation to go back to Seoul. And as much as they had wanted to keep him safe in their arms, at least for a little bit longer, they couldn’t be any prouder. 

“Jiwonah, you and Jiun are our brightest stars. For everything you’ve done for the family and for your brothers, as your Appa, I am beyond proud. Sometimes your Mom and I are concerned about how you always put others before yourself; but then we understand that it’s what makes you, you. 

We always wish you nothing but happiness. But to do that you have to live honestly, with people around you but especially with yourself. Be honest with your self because as an artist you will benefit from it. That’s one of the things that separates great artists from the rest. Love bravely, and live truthfully. Be unapologetic when it comes to love, let your heart tells you what to do. It’s time that you take care of your own happiness too.”

_____________________________________________5. Home

Bobby was alone in the dorm when he arrived. Everyone else seemed to be taking their time off to be with their families as well. The schedule for the next weeks, months even, already sounded so hectic from what the managers had told them. Back to back music shows, and another Asia tour in the works. The success of this new single, Love Scenario, had, to put it simply, changed their lives. 

At that moment however, he only had Hanbin on his mind. Not their dreams, not their status as an idol, just as two young men who used to be in love with each other. Who cuddled each other to sleep when nights were rough with uncertainties, who kissed each other’s pain away when life rained hard on their young minds. 

The conversation with his Dad earlier had made him realize how he had been running away for a long time. Running from the truth his heart had laid out for him months earlier. But now he had no idea how to go about it, how to come back home, back to where he always belonged. 

_Baby steps, Jiwon. Baby steps._ He thought to himself. 

He hoped it was not too late. He hoped his own storm didn’t carry him too far off the shore. 

_He still kissed you didn’t he? Stop being so dense and man up, Jiwon._

He got nothing more to lose anyway, not when it comes to Hanbin, he was sure this time he would do anything, anything to get him back. 

He texted a short message to Hanbin, asking his whereabout. He waited for around five minutes but still no answer. _Odd,_ Bobby thought. _Why is he ignoring my text, he'll usually respond right away._

He tried calling but no one answered. _Maybe it’s not meant to happen today._

He still wanted to do something nice for Hanbin, so he ran down to the convenience store across their dorm and bought his favorite cream bun and chocolate milk, it had been months since he had done this but he still remembered the sweet smile he received back then. He wasn’t expecting anything today though. 

Bobby purposely took the stairs from the lobby to the upstairs dorm. He figured it would be symbolic in a way. With each step of stairs, he felt like he was getting closer to home, both literally and figuratively. Hanbin’s room, and the owner himself. Strange, he felt so at ease. 

He punched in their shared key-code and walked into another silent dorm, nothing but the quiet hum of the large humidifier in the living room. He hesitated a little when he reached Hanbin’s door, his hand froze on the handle. His heart beat fast all of a sudden, felt like he was about to trespass into a restricted territory. 

_I’ve done way crazier things than this, haven’t I? Taking his used blanket from the laundry hamper just so I can sleep with his scent kinda tops the list of being a creepy ex. _

Bobby opened the door slowly, surprised to see dim lighting from inside. He didn’t think much of it at first, Hanbin had that habit of leaving his light on all the time. Hanbin’s room looked a bit different from his; neater, with a familiar scent diffuser from his mom’s store. It was the first time Bobby entered it completely on his own. 

He was about to leave the snack on top of his bed, attached a note using a random receipt he found on the floor, when he heard slight rustling from the covered balcony. He nearly jumped out of his skin but decided to check it anyway. He heard Hanbin talked about decorating the place but he had never seen it in person. He was only going to peek.

He was surprised to find Hanbin there, wrapped in a thick down jacket, sleeping curled up against the beanbag on the fake grass floor. His face looked tired, the torn up notebook laid by his side. It seemed like work didn’t stop for Hanbin, if anything Bobby was told that he rarely came home from studio. How he admired that trait of his, yet it was also the one he was concerned about the most; sometimes Hanbin just didn’t know when to stop. Bobby also noticed a purple pillow on the floor next to the makeshift crate table, it used to be his whenever he slept over. The guilt was starting to eat him up from the inside, he couldn’t believe he wasted so many months, losing so many memories that could had happened. 

If there was a way to gauge his love, Bobby’s would have broken the meter. Like a butterfly that lain dormant during a heavy winter, spring had finally sprung. He felt as if all his senses had awaken, what he had unconsciously thought of as an emotional attachment suddenly meant much more than that. Falling in love came easy, as their souls were always meant to be; yet forever no longer a mere wish but a reality that he would do anything for. 

Hanbin squirmed in his sleep, clearly uncomfortable in that sleeping position. Bobby’s hands were itching to hold him, to cradle him in his arms like he used to. But he held himself back, wanting to make this right. He needed to make sure Hanbin wanted this too. 

Bobby crouched over him in the cramped space, careful not to startle him. He stroked Hanbin’s cheek softly, over and over again to see if he would wake up. He could’ve sworn he saw him smiled a little, but then the dim lighting didn’t help much. And even though he didn’t mind watching him sleep for hours on end, he got more concerned when Hanbin started to groan uncomfortably too. 

“Binnie..don’t sleep here. You’ll hurt you back..”

Hanbin whined with his eyes still closed, clearly he didn’t like being woken up. 

“Come on, I’ll help move you to the bed..come on Bin.,” he tried to persuade Hanbin but clearly his second attempt was still unsuccessful.

Bobby had no other choice but to carry Hanbin to bed at this point, he slid both hands under the younger’s body, and after making sure he was secure in his arms, hoisted him up gently. A familiar feeling suddenly rushed in, how he missed the weight of this man on him. 

They hadn’t gotten past the balcony door when Hanbin’s body jolted forward all of a sudden, seemingly startled awake. Bobby immediately held him even tighter onto his body, while trying to keep his balance at the same time; he was carrying a man after all, their body size was not that much different for him to easily carry Hanbin in a princess style. 

“Baby, you’ll fall!” He blurted out in panic. 

“..Umhh,..baby..who?..Ji..Jiwon?” Wide eyed, Hanbin thought he was in a dream. 

“I had to carry you Bin, you were sleeping on the beanbag earlier, I don’t want you to hurt your back. Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll leave you to sleep after this.”

Bobby approached the bed and lowered Hanbin slowly onto it, but right when Hanbin realized that this was reality, his hands gripped onto Bobby’s jacket and wouldn’t let go. 

“..did you call me baby?”

“Sorry, I did it out of habit, I didn’t mean to overstep,—“

“Shut up Jiwon.”

Hanbin kissed him long and hard, his arms reached out to pull Bobby into his bed. His breath ragged with longing, he rolled Bobby over and laid on top of him, pinning him down. Their eyes met, both filled with uncertainties of unanswered questions. Hanbin eased himself down to have his hips pushing against Bobby’s. And maybe because he didn’t expect Hanbin to behave this way, Bobby just laid frozen. His lips unmoved, although it pressed hard againts Hanbin’s, and his hips writhed instinctively matching Hanbin’s aggressive rhythm. 

Hanbin groaned from the lack of response, he moved even wilder than before. Holding Bobby’s arms against the bed, he started to suck hard on Bobby’s neck, rough kisses alternating in between. He could feel Bobby starting to pant underneath him, and that riled him up even more. Their breaths colliding, no more empty space between them. Every inch of their bodies melted against each other, seeking pleasure from one another. 

He started to undress Bobby roughly, but he could feel resistance from him. His hands trembled as he tried to remove Bobby’s jacket, he was starting to think that he was the only one who wanted this. He tried to kiss him more, in a feverish attempt to gain access to Bobby’s mouth. Frustrated, he bit hard on Bobby’s lips, who jerked away involuntarily. Hanbin had had enough, it was like the memory of being rejected so coldly that night came back to haunt him.

“Fuck! Fuck this! Why do I have to love you!” Hanbin recoiled his body completely from him, eyes starting to wet as his whole body flushed with anger. 

Hanbin threw himself onto the corner of the bed, body instinctively curled in a ball, a futile attempt to shield his emotion, to protect his heart. 

His entire body was shaking, clearly in distress. 

“Hey hey..Hanbin..baby..I’m sorry..” Bobby spoke softly against him, he tried to take hold of Hanbin’s arms, who resisted almost violently, but Bobby was never a quitter. He let Hanbin vent out his frustration by thrashing over him completely, he could see Hanbin’s tears falling as he did. 

“Hanbin, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Bobby let his words carried over through his actions. He was so desperate to calm Hanbin down that he let himself be the punching bag, although every strike was done so halfheartedly, Bobby barely felt it. 

But then the moment came when Hanbin finally stopped, he wept into his hands and let out such a heartbreaking whimper. Bobby took the chance to grab the boy, and had him locked in his arms. Softly and repeatedly, he stroked Hanbin’s back and said his apologies. Bobby could feel his shirt soaked with tears as he let Hanbin laid on his chest. 

“I’m sorry, Hanbin.”

“Stop apologizing, please. Please Jiwon. Please don’t hurt me anymore than this. If you truly don’t love me anymore please just tell me right now, then I wont bother you anymore. We’ll keep being fr—brothers. I wont treat you any different from the rest. I’ll bury our past memories and start anew. But If there’s a part in you that still loves me, still wants me, please don’t push me away anymo—“

Bobby silenced him with a softly drawn out, tender kiss. He was so careful, too careful. As if Hanbin was a delicate flower, his own personal rose. Hanbin’s lips were petals, and Bobby was the butterfly, finally setting free its wings to enjoy the spring.

“I’m sorry Hanbin. I was foolish. I’m here to say sorry as much as you want to hear it, as much as you want to let me.” He held Hanbin’s face in his hand, eyes locked into him asking for forgiveness.

Eyes brimming with tears, Hanbin was having difficulty seeing through it, but he felt Bobby’s sincerity. The void that had been sitting inside him for so long, the one that messed with his mind from time to time, finally left as fast as it came. But he still needed answer, he needed explanation.

“What happened to us. Was I not enough? Was my love..too suffocating for you?” 

Bobby ran his fingers through Hanbin’s hair, gazing deeply into him without saying any words. With eyes half closed, he moved slowly, closing in on Hanbin’s face to softly grazed the tips of their noses together. He used to do that whenever Hanbin was upset, even back then when they were not yet together. 

The gesture brought back so many memories, Hanbin started to sob again; only this time he wound his body closer into Bobby’s embrace, arms clung around his neck, fingers dug into his flesh as if afraid that someone might yanked him away, but Bobby didn’t mind. 

“Please answer me. I thought I was going crazy. I’ve been racking my brain out for months, wondering what’s going on. I thought we’re gonna be forever.”  


“You agreed on our separation—“

“I regretted it! I regretted the fact that I let you go! I should’ve punched some sense into you back then! I can see how miserable you are, the way I am too! I know you love me! I saw you sleeping with my blanket, with our blanket..”

“You knew..? I was just—”

“Was just, what?”

Bobby let out a deep sigh. The more he understood how hurt Hanbin was back then, the more he understood how Hanbin loved, the depth of his promise. Hanbin was his universe, but to him Bobby was his reason for everything, the reason for his awaited spring.

He took Hanbin’s right hand and kissed its palm gently, his lips grazed lightly on the skin and it made Hanbin trembled. As always it still wasn’t enough. It hadn’t been enough for a while. 

Bobby held the smaller hand in his and placed it on his own cheek to calm himself down. He was desperately fighting the urge to kiss him, never wanted it so badly before in his life. But Bobby knew he had some explaining to do. 

“Hanbin, I..I never stopped loving you, always have always will.. I never planned on stopping, I hate myself for doing this to you. I’m sorry Hanbin, I thought I was making the right decision but I was a fool, a damned fool. I thought I was protecting you, but I ended up hurting you, and myself too.”

“How was leaving me protect me from anything?” Hanbin couldn’t hide the confusion in his face, the doubt in his voice.

“I..”

“Did it have anything to do with Jiun hyung’s messages?”

“…what? How do you know? First the blanket, and now this?”

“I sorta..accidentally read it. I’m sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to. The laptop screen was still on when you left to shower the last time we..slept together, and I happened to wake up when your movement jostled me..and…”

“So.. you knew all along?”

“…all these times, I was trying. So hard. To convince you that we could do this together. I don’t understand why you insisted on leaving me for that. I was trying hard..so hard—“ Hanbin wiped the tears away with his sleeve—“to lie to myself that you did it because you had no other choice, because someone told you to, and not because you’ve fallen out of..love..”

“I did it to protect you..I thought you read my—ah! Okay, now I remember that I deleted my first reply and replied to Jiun on the phone later that day.”

“What do you mean? Hanbin looked confused and lost, eyes watering from fatigue and the weight of the conversation.

“I told him, I’d let you go, if that would protect the team, and especially you. I’ve had enough of seeing you being crucified by the media, I was under the impression that the best way to protect you was to not be with you..” Hearing himself said it out loud, Bobby just realized how unfair it was, how unwise and irrational his decision was. 

“Am I that easy to let go? Don’t I mean something, anything to you?”

“Hanbin, you..you are everything to me. Letting you go was..was..” Bobby stumbled on his words, as if there weren’t any combination of alphabets to be able to express the emptiness he felt, the despair he had to endure. The moment leading up to him saying goodbye to Hanbin was hell, a series of blaming and hating himself, cluelessly wandering in his own dark thoughts.

“ …Jiwon, please rely on me too. I’m not weak, I told you I’ll fight off the bad guys with you, I’ll sail the storm with you,” somehow these words meant nothing compared to his promise, it barely scratched the surface of what Hanbin was willing to sacrifice when it came to Bobby.

Hanbin sat up and in turn pulled Bobby into his embrace, covering both of them inside his freshly washed blanket. He ran his fingers through Bobby’s hair and kissed his forehead. Bobby sighed in pure bliss, he melted in this familiar arms. Many words were yet to be unspoken, but both their souls had finally found their way home. 

They cuddled in silence, fingers interlocking, heartbeats matching each other’s pace. Hanbin ran his hand up and down Bobby’s back, Bobby’s head leaning against his shoulder. Hanbin smiled when he received soft kisses on his neck, his chin; and when Bobby reached his lips, Hanbin had him hitched up higher so their hips and their eyes met once again. _You’re mine once again._

“Jiwon,”—he brushed Bobby’s cheek gently to get him to listen—“Hyung, you’re strong. You’ve always been strong. You trudged on every obstacles without asking for help, even when it stresses you out immensely. Ever since the day I met you, without fail, you put other people’s happiness as your priority, even mine. I know you didn’t expect anyone to help, but I want to help you be happy too. I told you once and I’ll say it again, let me help shoulder your pain. Two is better than one, isn’t that what we promised to each other?”

“It was the hardest thing to do.. to stop myself from hugging you, kissing you..To tell myself that you’d be happier if I let you go..”

“That’s because you are selfless.”

“Wait, wait. Hold up. That’s you.” Bobby shook his head, to him it was never a competition. Hanbin was always the selfless one. 

“Well..maybe I am. But not as much as you. **I put my own happiness first, and that’s you.”**

“This is a blunder on my part, I was too busy taking care of my heart.. I’m sorry it took me a while Hanbin, took me a while to sort my feelings out.. I wish I had never done those things to you.”

“Theres nothing wrong with taking care of your heart, you’re allowed to do that..”

“Yeah,..But I forgot the fact that you own half of my heart.”

“Half? Not all of them?” Hanbin grinned, obviously teasing.

Bobby realized then that he was no longer relying on the pull of gravity, but he chose to adore the universe that was in Hanbin’s eyes, the stars that dazzled his smile, and the laughter that brightened his once dark sky. He moved independently, no longer anchored to any force of attraction besides his own. Unmeasurable in theory, insurmountable in practicality.

Bobby was speechless for a while. He kept on biting his own lips, as if he was holding back. He wanted Hanbin so badly. Finally he said it with glossy eyes and a shy smile, “I’m lucky to be loved by you, Hanbin. I love you. Like crazy.”

“After that night, I often asked myself why I love you. Why do I have to keep hurting myself, dreaming about you. But in return that was how I knew how much I love you, because even through the worst of things, I was thinking about you. And maybe, the easiest answer of it all, maybe I don’t ever want to lose you. You’re in me way too deep, too precious for me to forget.” Hanbin had his thumb on Bobby’s lips, gently parting it. And after he said those words, he swooped in with a kiss. 

“I missed you, I missed you so much, Hanbin..” Bobby whispered his desperate longing between Hanbin’s aggressive kisses, body pressed against him, he could no longer think straight. Moans barely escaped from his lips, each was silenced with a rough, heated kiss. Lips and tongues moved passionately between them, savoring the taste of another, just like how they remembered.

Their kisses were long and drown out. Just like the awaited heavy rainfall after a long period of summer drought. 

Hanbin moved desperately, passion took over him as he deepened their kisses. He could feel both of their restrained lust, barely hanging on. 

“I’m not letting you go from this bed, you know that, right?” Hanbin started to undress both of them roughly, not wasting chances to kiss Bobby all over, to show him what his love was made of. 

“Until the sun comes up and the moon goes down,” Bobby replied breathlessly.

“Are you crazy, you’re gonna break me..”

“Silly, aren’t you the one who’s gonna break me?” Bobby chuckled, his tears finally fell. Happy, relieved tears. 

“Quit talking hyung, just hold me tighter..”

And this time, Bobby let Hanbin had his way with him.


	13. And I, you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you believe some things in life  
Are simply meant to be,  
Then you have found your soul mate,  
Your heart’s own destiny — Emily Matthews
> 
> Mood: Moonriver—Audrey Hepburn

_“I love you, I love you.. I love you..” _

__

__

_“I know, baby. I love you more. More than you’ll ever know.” Bobby answered with such gentleness in his voice, his soft murmur sounded like music to Hanbin’s ears. _

_Hanbin sighed into Bobby’s arms, high in pure bliss. Bobby’s scent, the weight of his arms on the small of his waist, and how he pinched his cheeks gently before softly kissing it; Hanbin was in his own glimpse of heaven. _

_He wished time could stop, right then and there. If only for just a while. Bobby was his and it was all that mattered. Bobby’s existence filled his world, in ways that he hadn’t noticed until it was lost. The scent on the bedsheet, his favorite drink from that vending machine in front of their studio, the purple pillow on the sofa, to the way he always slept curled up to face Bobby’s side of the bed. And the list kept adding up the longer they were apart. _

_If happiness was measured by the number of raindrops, at that moment Hanbin’s was enough to fill the entire Han River. So much so that he was starting to get scared. Scared that there would be another drought, or even worse, that this was all just a dream. That he’d blink and woke up in another lonely reality. _

_“Night, baby..” Bobby was already half asleep and hummed his goodnight._

_“I don’t want to sleep, Bobby hyung..” Hanbin whispered, feeling rather guilty for such an untimely anxiety. He pressed his body closer to him, and buried his face in the crook of Bobby’s neck. Bobby’s scent always had that special calming effect on him, it was as comforting as the first smell of Spring in the air, when the wind carried the flowers’ sweet and musky scent after it rained. _

_“Hmm..why not, it’s almost morning..?” Bobby was struggling to keep himself awake. His husky voice thick with sleep, his words were no longer coherent, but his body responded as though he understood completely. His lips found Hanbin’s as if he already knew that was what Hanbin needed the most. His kiss spoke of love, more than any words that he could convey. _

_“I’m scared to close my eyes. I keep thinking I’ll wake up and you’re not gonna be here..”—Hanbin answered breathlessly in between Bobby’s kisses,—“I feel like the bad dreams are out to get me, to take you away from me..”_

_“Baby, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here, right where I belong…” Bobby cooed. His half asleep eyes were gentle, there was nothing but adoration towards the younger boy; even when he was almost too tired to function. _

_“…unless you want me to go?” Bobby teased. _

_“Never! Never again..please Bobby hyung, don’t joke about that anymore,” Hanbin tried to wriggle away from Bobby’s arms, sounding half annoyed, half sad. _

_“Sorry, sorry, I won’t,” Bobby was quick to pull Hanbin back into his arms, their eyes met before they kissed once again. It was brief but sweet, soft sighs escaped as they let go of each other’s lips. _

_Sleep that befell them seemed to drift away, it was as though it knew that the reunion of two souls were far more important. _

_“The pendant that I gave you, I’m glad that you still keep it..”_

_“My baby gave me that, of course I’ll keep it safe. Ah, that reminds me, you never actually told me the story you promised, Bin.”_

_“The story from Mr. Giovanni-Ssi?”_

_Bobby chuckled, “Who’s Mr. Giovanni-Ssi??”_

_“He was the owner of an antique store where I got it from, a really nice old man with a funny hat.. I was perusing through the stacks of old vinyl records by the cash register, when I saw a pair of pendants displayed inside a glass case next to where I was standing. I don’t remember why I was so drawn to it, but I guess I must’ve looked really interested in it so Mr. Giovanni-Ssi noticed and took it out from the case to show me.._

_He said those pendants were given to him by his grandparents, they passed away a long long time ago and since Mr. Giovanni-Ssi didn’t have children of his own, he couldn’t pass it on to anybody just yet. He had been keeping it since.”_

_“And then what?”_

_“He told me to open my hands and placed it on my palm just like that.”_

_“He gave it to you just like that?”_

_“Yeah, but he made me promise to give the other pair to someone special once I find that person. And that was you..” Hanbin caressed Bobby’s cheeks softly, he gazed at him with the utmost tenderness. _

_“Wait, so there was a pair? You never told me this before..” Bobby took Hanbin’s hand and kissed it slowly, eyes closed as if he was holding the most delicate thing between his fingers. _

_“…back then Mr. Giovanni-Ssi told me those pendants represents two souls, a soul twin if you will. The person who holds the other pair, will always be linked to you, as long as they keep it. If ever comes a day when we have to be apart, I'm supposed to give you mine, in hopes that you will return to me safely. That day when we shot the music video, when you dropped it on the floor and I picked it up for you, I swapped mine with yours. The pendant you have now is mine, and I’m keeping yours.”_

_Bobby just stared at Hanbin, dumbfounded. It was a mixture of amazement and pure affection. _

_Hanbin chuckled seeing him that way. He held Bobby’s neck and kissed him deeply._

_“I guess it worked, you came back to me.”_

__________________________________________________________________________________

“Jiwonnie, wake up.. we need to get ready soon, babe..” Hanbin keeps kissing Bobby gently on the shoulder. These broad shoulders have saved him too many times, both literally and figuratively. He can’t recall how many times Bobby has provided his shoulder for him to lean on; how much hidden tears and countless moments of anxiety that it has seen. And how it shielded him from every unwanted altercations, back when they were younger.

“How can I not love you..” He mumbles as he is kissing on Bobby’s cheek. His selfless protector, his most precious person.

“Baby..wake up..hey..we’re gonna be late for dinner..” His previous method was proven unsuccessful, so he devises a new one. He purses Bobby’s lips gently using his fingers, chuckling softly at such an adorable sight. He read this method somewhere before, but evidently failing to remember that was the method suggested to wake babies up. It seems to work, surprisingly. But then Hanbin knows underneath the facade and all, Jiwon is his baby. His soft grunts is filling the room while his arms are finding its way out of Hanbin’s embrace to stretch. 

Hanbin’s right arm has been numb for a while, losing sensation under the weight of Bobby’s head as a makeshift pillow. He winces from the sudden pins and needles as Bobby squirms on it, finally waking up but clearly still looks exhausted. After all, he remembers the fatigue that plagued them after every concert days, a tiredness that can only be remedied by a weekend of uninterrupted sleep and lots of warm gukbap. He misses that feeling a lot these days, routine of the past becomes an endearing memory. Hanbin gets nostalgic a lot but it never stops him from dreaming of better memories to come. 

He suddenly regrets waking Bobby up, he could’ve let him sleep a bit more. The private car he reserved earlier is not coming for another hour, they’ll still have plenty of time to get ready before they have to head to Pocheon for Bobby’s family gathering. It’s just that he misses everything about Bobby; he misses the husky voice calling out his name, he misses the dimples and eye crinkles that forms whenever he laughs, and most of all he misses the way Bobby touches his lips ever so slightly after every kiss. As if he was never ready to let go, as if their kiss should last forever.

But then their eyes meet, and Bobby smiles at him so tenderly, and just like that Hanbin remembers what it’s like to be loved. 

“Hi, baby,” Bobby says between his smiles. 

It still has that effect on Hanbin. A mere smile is making him tingly all over. The feeling travels slowly from the tip of his ears to his toes; prickling all his senses and toying with his desire. It has the tendency to take him over completely, submerging him in a euphoria that only himself understands. _When you’re happy, then I’m happy,_ he said that to Bobby many times in the past. And although he doesn’t necessarily say it often nowadays, the fact still remains. And he likes to think that he shows it well. 

“Had a good sleep?” His fingers gently brushes Bobby’s hair from his face, before giving him the gentlest peck on his lips. 

“Always whenever you’re around.” Bobby sighes into Hanbin’s chest. He nuzzles back into Hanbin’s arms, much to Hanbin’s delight. Sometimes Hanbin thinks he’s dealing with a human sized cat, the way Bobby gets unexpectedly clingy from time to time. 

“Have you been sleeping on my side of the bed since I was gone?” Bobby asks as he’s giving soft kisses on Hanbin’s cheeks. 

Hanbin nods without saying a word. He just smiles shyly as his fingers twirling the front of Bobby’s shirt. 

“And did my hoodie work well to fend off those bad dreams you’ve been having?” 

“Uh huh..I just feel you..” Hanbin shifts his position so he can look at Bobby’s face as he is saying those words. All he sees are gentle eyes and deep affection. If there’s one thing Bobby really good at, is being effortlessly sexy in his demeanor. And the look that he’s giving is one that gets Hanbin mesmerized, hopelessly and terribly in love. 

“..you know, that purple hoodie has a long history. I bought it in Virginia many years ago after saving up my allowance for months. It’s crazy to think that it’s not that far away in the past, but that past was when I hadn’t met you yet..and it feels..like another lifetime.”

“We’ve known each other for almost half of our lives now..I much prefer this lifetime. Meeting you, and knowing you, and..having you, is one of the greatest gifts the universe has given me. I mean it, don’t laugh..” Hanbin pouts when he sees Bobby suppressing a smirk. 

“I want to bite your cheeks, you’re too cute..”

“Just cute?”

“Adorable,”—Bobby then whispers in Hanbin’s ears—“you turn me on..”

Hanbin grins triumphantly. 

“I tidied up our bedroom while you’re gone, do you like it?” He coddled Bobby in his arms, hands rubbing on Bobby’s back as if answering Bobby’s previous advances; _I too, can’t wait for tonight. _

“I always love whatever you do to the place, Binnie..and I can’t wait to see how that will look later tonight,” Bobby looks around the room, noticing the new star projector on top of the oak dresser and gives Hanbin his kiss of approval.

“You’re being extra sweet today..” Hanbin blushes.

“What do you mean, I’m always nice..”—Bobby grins while he pinches Hanbin’s cheeks—“And it’s technically your birthday week, so you deserve all the extra love, baby.”

“To answer your question last night, for my birthday present this year, can I ask for a favor instead?” Hanbin says it rather timidly, as though he is quite unsure if Bobby will say yes. 

“Sure baby, anything you want.”

“I’ll tell you later when we come home from dinner.”

Hanbin lowers his face to meet Bobby’s and initiates another kiss. Their lips are slowly moving to match each other’s pace, while both tongues are chasing their longing. Not too slow and not too fast, it feels just right. 

Hanbin thinks he’ll never get tired of this. What they have is beyond just physical, the love he receives from Bobby touches his soul. It consumes all of his insecurities, turning his weaknesses into something he’s finally proud of. The worst fears that he had in the past, seemed to have dissipated the moment they embraced each other’s fragility. The way they both love selflessly, constantly reminding each other of how beautiful it is to have someone who understands their souls completely.

Yet no matter how many times they have embraced each other, it can never satisfy his craving for more. It’s as if he gets greedier each day, and he wonders if Bobby feels the same way. And it’s not just lust, although he has to admit that he craves those physical touches. But Hanbin thinks the term making love describes the constant desire he has for Bobby; the heightened moment of raw intimacy to express how he loves and how much he cares, if only just for the fraction of what he can truly share. The rest of his love remains deeply entrenched, resurfaces whenever and wherever it pleases. Just like the ebb and flow of the ocean, it overflows from time to time, yet the depth of the sea remains the same. 

Breathless, Bobby ends their kiss, but not before he touches Hanbin’s lips slightly with his upper lip. Hanbin’s favorite part. 

And with that, Hanbin sighs contently.

“Ah I almost forgot,”—Bobby removes the silver pendant from one of his earrings and clasped it back to the bale of Hanbin’s anklet. 

“I’m home, Hanbin.”

“Welcome home, Kim Jiwon.”

“I can’t wait for tonight..” 

“Me too, love..” Hanbin plants a kiss on Bobby’s cheek before reluctantly untangling himself from Bobby.

“We need to get ready hyung, the car’s gonna pick us up in half an hour. Oh, and I got your shirt and pants ready on top of the dresser,” Hanbin is about to roll to the other side of the bed to get up but Bobby has caught him and nibbles on his cheek one more time before letting go. 

“…you’re driving me crazy, seriously,” Hanbin says as he threw fake punches to a laughing Bobby. 

“I thought this was a new set of pajamas. Hey, this shirt is dope, Binnie! Thanks! Aren’t you going to wear the matching pair?” Bobby unravels the neatly folded shirt on the dresser and immediately liking what he sees. 

“Uhm..I’m gonna wear something else..Your grandma’s gonna be there, I don’t know if we should look that obvious in front of her..? Hanbin says apologetically. 

“I understand. I’m sorry. Someday, babe.” Bobby kisses Hanbin’s forehead tenderly.

Hanbin shakes his head and smiles, “Don’t feel bad, she’s precious to me too.”

He can see the slight sadness in Bobby’s eyes, he tries to hide it behind the weak grin but Hanbin knows him better than anyone. 

“I can’t wait to finally meet little Ryungie! He’s such a ball of sunshine, reminds me of my sister when she was around the same age,”—Hanbin tries to change the subject—“Ah, hyung, I found this inside our old dresser, this is yours right?” 

Hanbin takes a heavy wooden box from inside one of the drawers and gently places it on Bobby’s hand. He’s been dying to know what’s inside, and his curiosity grows even more when he sees how Bobby reacts. 

It takes Bobby a while to look for an explanation, as if it’s something that Hanbin shouldn’t have found. His eyes darting nervously, although he is still able to keep his calm composure. But Hanbin sees it all, the nervous tick that he’s so familiar with from watching Bobby discreetly all these years.

“What’s inside?” Hanbin tries to sound as casually as possible. 

“Aa..it’s just an old jewelry box that used to belong to my mom. She gave it to me with these gold bracelets of hers,”—Bobby points to the two gold bracelets that decorate his wrist since forever—“I just keep her old letters and such, you know little knick knacks and all that, inside.”

“Oh..I was curious since it’s locked..and it’s heavy too..”

“I… lost the key…” Bobby says quite unconvincingly. 

“…maybe it’s left at the dorm, hyung?” 

“Maybe..I’ll figure it out, I can always take this to the locksmith, Binnie.”

“Of course, hyung.” Hanbin concedes. 

“The content is not that interesting, baby,” Bobby rests his palm on Hanbin’s cheeks and caresses it with his thumb. 

Bobby leave it at that and places the wooden box inside the top drawer of their new oak dresser, signalling the end of their conversation about the box. It is then that he notices the time from the digital clock next to where Hanbin stores all of his cameras. 

“Wait,.. didn’t you say the car will pick us up at 4:45?”

“Yeah..? Oh no! Hyung, we have to get ready in 15 minutes!”

“…shall we shower together to save time, Jagiya?” Bobby grins. 

“…don’t mind if I do, Dangshin!” Hanbin chuckles as he drags Bobby by the waist to their bathroom. 

_______________________________________________

The breezy sunset blows gently on their faces as they step out of the rented vehicle, the sunlight feels warm in contrast to the chilly 14 degrees weather. The trees are showing its magnificent fall colors as far as their eyes can see, with the last bit of rays peeking through the warm orangey leaves. Hanbin has been taking pictures of the sceneries even before they arrive, the road leading to the villa was filled with views of the magnificent fall foliage. He took so much pictures he almost ran out of the roll film for his analog camera, lucky for him Bobby instinctively grabbed a spare before they left. It’s those little things that make him fall for Bobby harder than before, if it’s still even possible. Hanbin can already feel it’s about to overflow tonight. 

After confirming the arrangements to pick them up at a later hour, the car drives off and disappears fast behind the lush greenery that surrounds the premises. 

“I’m so excited, hyung!” Hanbin makes tiny little jumps on the spot. 

“Me too. Can’t wait for you to meet Ryungie! You’ll love him I’m sure, he’s a really funny baby, that tiny ball of dumpling.” Bobby chuckles remembering all the funny antics Ryung did. He receives daily updates of Ryung through their family group chat and it has never failed to make him laugh. 

Hanbin starts to shiver as they are making their way to the villa, it’s quite a long walk from the driveway. The villa itself is situated on top of a small hill in Pocheon, around 50 minutes drive from Seoul. This particular location that Bobby’s family is renting boasts a private villa setting within a gorgeous secluded garden, a perfect location to have family gathering outside the hustle and bustle of the city. 

They walk up the hill in silence, enjoying the sound of crunching leaves under their feet and birds chirping in the distance. Both are lost in their own thoughts but little did Bobby know that Hanbin is currently struggling to contain the rushing emotions he has for him.  


Bobby is starting to feel the cold himself, he only wears a thin jacket on top of the shirt that Hanbin picked out for him earlier. He glances sideways as he notices that Hanbin has gotten real quiet, and that’s when Bobby realizes that Hanbin’s lips are trembling slightly due to being cold. 

“Baby.. you should’ve told me you’re cold,” Bobby stops walking and offers Hanbin his hug. 

“I’m okay. Just a bit hungry so I get colder than usual..It’s nothing, hyung..” Hanbin assures Bobby with his dimply smile. 

“Your lips are turning a bit pale though, c’mere,” Bobby insists on hugging him. 

“I wish you can warm it up..” Hanbin whispers to the ground as he is stubbornly ignoring Bobby’s offer. 

“Hanbinah. I’m serious, come here.” Bobby says with a stern voice as reaches out his arms, and to this Hanbin finally complies. 

“I’m your human furnace, remember?” Bobby grins while he pulls Hanbin into his arms so he can hold him tight.

They stay like that for a while, with Bobby constantly rubbing on Hanbin’s back and shoulder, believing that it will provide him more warmth. Hanbin enjoys it immensely, leaning his head on Bobby’s broad shoulder. He revels on the fact that only he knows how warm it feels, how softly Bobby touches; and for that Hanbin feels a bit smug. Bobby is his, and he knows how lucky he is. 

“Feel a bit better?” Bobby murmurs into Hanbin’s ears with his enticing voice. 

“Yeah.” Hanbin licking his own lips in response. He can’t help it when their lips are so close together at the moment. 

Bobby notices that so he pretends to fix the scarf on top of Hanbin’s caramel fur coat to sneak a kiss on Hanbin’s forehead. It seems like an effective method to restore some color into Hanbin’s lips, and evidently cheeks as well. They turn rosier by the minute, and Bobby thinks Hanbin looks immensely beautiful basking in the glow of the fall sunset. 

It’s hard to let go of each other now, so they walk hand in hand up the hill. They can already see the villa, nestled within what looks to be a small cozy garden. Hanbin bets it will look even more beautiful with blooming flowers during springtime.

The hear the laughters from Bobby’s family the closer they get to the villa, and Hanbin’s fingers are starting to fidget, seeking for paper to be shred to tiny little pieces. It’s a mixture of nervousness and excitement, Hanbin hasn’t seen Bobby’s family since they’ve decided to live together; as far as he knows Bobby has only told his mother about this. 

Bobby squeezes his hand all of a sudden, not too hard, but enough to bring Hanbin back from his wandering thoughts. “It’ll be alright,” he whispers. 

Hanbin knows. Sometimes he believes in Bobby more than he believes in himself. 

They are a couple steps away from the door when suddenly it swings open and out comes Bobby’s grandma. She looks even more petite than the last time Hanbin saw her. Hanbin immediately tries to retract his hand from Bobby’s grip, but much to his surprise, Bobby won’t let go. If anything, his grip on Hanbin’s gets firmer. 

“Hi Halmeoni!!!” Bobby cheerfully calls out to the tiny lady standing at the front porch. It takes her a few second to register who it was, her eyesight is no longer like what it used to be. When she finally realizes that it is her grandson, she welcomes both of them with a warm smile. Hanbin thinks Bobby takes after her smile, the kind of smile that makes you smile along with them. 

“You look really good, Halmeoni!” Bobby swoops her in a warm hug, before introducing Hanbin one more time to her.

“Halmeoni, this is Hanbin. Kim Hanbin. You already met him last time, a couple months ago. Do you still remember?”

“Ah yes, of course I still remember this handsome boy. Aigoo, you two look so much alike, it’s hard to differentiate both of you without my glasses on!”

“I’m glad you’re doing well, Halmeoni. Oh, and please accept this,”—Hanbin reaches into his bag and retrieves a neatly wrapped box of ginseng extract—“may you always be healthy, Halmeoni.” 

“Aigoo, you don’t have to..Thank you very much, Hanbin.” Bobby’s grandma keeps patting Hanbin gently on his back to show her gratefulness. 

Bobby was not informed about this gift, so he is quite surprised of Hanbin’s sweet gesture. The moment his grandma turns her back on them to go back inside, he can’t help to steal a kiss on Hanbin’s cheek. 

“..ya..Kim Jiwon, you’re crazy…” Hanbin pretends to scold Bobby, yet his tone of voice doesn’t sound at all convincing. 

“I love you. Thank you for being so caring to my grandma.”

“I am thankful for her, because she raised you so lovingly. And besides, I know you’d do the same to mine, I’m only one step faster than you are,”—Hanbin grab hold of Bobby’s right hand—“and I love you too.” He emphasizes those last words with three gentle squeezes on Bobby’s index finger.

The door swings open for the second time and this time it is the person that Hanbin has been wanting to meet the most, ever since the day he was born. Bobby’s mom is carrying this little human in her arms, looking warm and cozy bundled up inside a soft thick blanket. He is way more adorable in person; his little eyes are looking curiously at Hanbin, as if trying to remember who this person is. They have indeed met through the screen before, Hanbin is always nearby whenever Bobby goes on a video call with his brother just to speak baby talk with this baby. Hanbin couldn’t even decide then who’s cuter, his baby or the actual baby. 

His chubby round face lights up the moment he sees Bobby, and his face breaks into the cutest toothless smile. The baby squirms and reaches out his tiny arms to Bobby wanting to be held, while making the most adorable baby whine. Hanbin instantly melts at the sight, both at the cute baby and the way Bobby is holding this baby in his arms. 

Hanbin is familiar with how fast babies develop and change within a short period of time, seeing how his sister grew so quickly back then. Yet, he is still amazed at how this baby’s facial features get even more similar to Bobby. It’s like they both share the same eyes and the same smile. Not a surprise there, the warm eye smile seems to run in the family now that Hanbin realizes. 

“It’s like looking at a mini you!” Hanbin exclaims enthusiastically. 

“Hanbinah, this is Ryung. Ryungie, this is Hanbinah. Nice to meet you, Hanbin,” Bobby holds Ryung’s wrist and waves the hand playfully at Hanbin. 

“Geez, hyung, I don’t even know who’s cuter here, him or you.” Hanbin chuckles. 

“Anyeong, Ryung. I’m your other samcheon, Hanbinnie. Kim Hanbinnie. It’s nice to finally meet you. You make Bobby samcheon’s phone filled with screenshots of baby toys. He can’t help it though, you’re the absolute cutest!” Hanbin shakes the tiny hand with his thumb and index finger. 

The shy little bean flails his little hand at Hanbin, all the while making the cutest baby noises and burying his face into Bobby’s chest. 

“Ah, Hanbinnie samcheon, you’re making Ryung shy…” Bobby teases. He then twirls on the spot so Ryung can play hide and seek with Hanbin, chortling as he does. Hanbin can’t resist squishing those round rosey cheeks, and being a goofball that he is, Ryung just laughs as he mimics the action on his own cheeks. 

Bobby’s mother who’s been watching the whole interaction silently on the side, smiles meaningfully at the sight. She too, is very much fond of Hanbin. She treats him like one of her own sons, although sometimes she wonders if he’ll ever be in the future. The thought of it never terrifies her, never once she uses her religion as a shield to combat her uncertainty; if anything it nudges her more to the path that aligns with reality. She knows her son loves Hanbin, he has done a really loud public statement the night before. The depth of his feeling, however, is something that she needs to delve in further. But she sees the twinkles in those boys’ eyes as they speak to each other, and she understands it to be real love.

“Eomoni, so sorry I almost forgot to greet you! How are you? I hope you and Ahbeonim are doing well and happy,” Hanbin bows his head in respect, similar to how it was earlier with Bobby’s grandma.

“Ohh..Long time no see Hanbinah. Both of us just had dinner with your parents not too long ago. It’s a pity you and Bobby couldn’t join us, I’ve been wondering how you are these days. You look really healthy, I’m so glad!” Bobby’s mom gives him a tight hug.

“It’s ‘cause Bobby hyungie always brings home really good meals, Eomoni..” He answers shyly, while looking at Bobby for his reaction. 

“That’s right, Eomma. See, I don’t only eat junk food nowadays. Me and Hanbin eats hearty dinner everyday, right Binnie?” Bobby grins back at him. 

“Ah, that reminds me! Happy belated birthday, Hanbinah! Last year hasn’t been the easiest but Eomoni wishes you all the happiness. You have a bright future ahead, I’m so proud of you.” She lovingly pats on his cheeks. 

“Aigoo, you must be feeling cold, your cheeks are freezing. Hurry, get inside! Jiwon, there’s a spare blanket on top of the cupboard in that bedroom next to the kitchen, take it and give that to Hanbin so he can warm up!”

“Eomma, sometimes I think you love Hanbin more than you love me,” Bobby grumbles playfully. 

Bobby lets Ryung back into his mother’s arms and takes Hanbin’s hand to guide him inside. The front door leads directly to the small living room filled with mismatched wood furnitures and tiny odd decorations, and it only takes a couple steps to the small kitchen where Bobby’s brother and wife are preparing their dinner. There’s a small dining area next to where they stand but it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be able to accommodate all of them that night. 

Bobby says hi to them in a hurry because his first priority is to fetch the blanket for Hanbin. He retrieves it easily from the top of the vintage looking cupboard, that looks like it was built for shorter people from the old generations. He sees his mother’s purse next to the bed, this must be the room that she’ll be sleeping in with his father tonight. He and Hanbin would’ve stayed too, but Hanbin has to come home for an important meeting the next morning; and besides, Bobby doesn’t want to let Hanbin come home alone. 

He comes back to the kitchen to find Hanbin making small talks with the future in laws, or so Bobby hopes. He drapes the blanket over Hanbin and fixes it snug on his back. 

“Hyung, are we gonna have dinner on this table, it doesn’t look like it will fit all 7 of us, well 8 with Ryungie? And where’s Appa?” Bobby asks his brother.

“Appa’s outside grilling the meat. There’s a bigger dining table on the back porch so we’ll be having it there. Ya, Bobbya, help me bring this to him.” He hands Bobby trays of marinated meat, ready to be grilled. They both steps outside through the back door while chattering loudly, leaving Hanbin behind with Jiun’s wife, Jeeyoung. Hanbin has offered to help her earlier, but it seems like the kitchen preparation is almost done.

It feels really homey inside the villa, as Hanbin notices. Rows of mismatched mugs on the shelf behind the kitchen counter completes the whole rustic vibe, while the huge window all around bringing in tons of sunlight, making the whole house feels warmer than what he expected. He can see him and Bobby living in this kind of house someday, with a small porch at the back so they can hang a hammock and laze around watching the sunset goes down. And maybe a huge backyard so they can set up tents to look at the stars at night, and catch a falling star if they’re lucky enough. 

The huge laughters and smell of delicious grilled meat wafting from the backyard takes him back from his daydream. Ryung comes in with Bobby’s mom, the boy is fussy because it’s approaching his dinner time. 

“Feeling warmer, Hanbinah?” Bobby’s mom pats Hanbin on his back after she puts down Ryung in the baby chair. 

“Yes, Eomoni,” Hanbin smiles big at her and then at Ryung who’s looking at Hanbin with such curiosity.

“Hanbinah, wanna try feeding him?” Jeeyoung asks with a bowl of colorful porridge ready in her hand. 

“Hanbin has a lot of experience with his sister, he’ll do a lot better than Jiwon,” Bobby’s mom praises him earnestly, making his ears turn slightly red. 

“It’s been a while, but let me try, Noona,” Hanbin takes the bowl from Jeeyoung’s hand and scoots his chair closer to Ryung’s. The blanket falls off from his shoulder and Bobby’s mom fixes it for him. 

“Ryungie, Hanbinnie will feed you your dinner. Eat a lot, adeul.” Jeeyoung kisses Ryung on his head and have her index finger touches the tip of Ryung’s. A gesture that Hanbin is most familiar with. The very first unspoken I love you that Bobby has ever said, given to him that one night when they were both still trainees and wanting to just runaway from it all. In that dark corner inside their old and stuffy recording studio, Bobby had shown him the same gesture for the very first time. 

The two ladies go out to set up the table, leaving only Hanbin and Ryung inside the house. Bobby’s grandma is nowhere to be seen, but Hanbin assumes she must be sitting at the back porch enjoying the sunset. The porch at the back has a space heater on, Jiun has told him earlier; it’ll definitely be warm in the area where they’ll be having dinner. 

“Ryungie, look at this airplane, say aaahh…”

Bobby steps inside and sees Hanbin is almost done feeding Raon. He definitely does a way better job than Bobby, Ryung’s face is almost spotless aside from some messy splatters on his bib.

“Doing alright, baby?” Bobby kisses the top of Hanbin’s head after he brings the empty meat tray to the kitchen sink.

Ryung laughs gleefully the moment he sees Bobby, Hanbin can see how Ryung is so attached to his favorite uncle. Bobby spoils and dotes on him so much, it almost makes Hanbin jealous. He keeps wiggling his tiny fingers whenever Bobby is around, it’s like he excited to have a friend to play with. 

“Dinner’s ready, come on outside!” Jiun calls out to them. 

Bobby picks Ryung up from his baby chair, while his other hand is extended for Hanbin to grab. Hanbin folds the blanket neatly and placed it on the living room chair, and then eagerly holds the patiently waiting lover’s hand. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

“Thank you for dinner, Eomma. I can’t stop eating, it was too yummy.” Bobby is helping his mother wash the dishes while his dad and brother is still outside preparing the small bonfire. “And thanks for inviting Hanbin..”

“Baby, you know I love him like my own son.” Bobby’s mother says confidently.

Bobby pecks her on the cheek, “Thank you,” he says once again.

“Jiwonah..are you happy?” 

“I’m happy, Eomma.” 

“I’m happy when you’re happy.” Her voice is filled with love and understanding.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________

“There you are,” Bobby finally finds Hanbin sitting on the blue swing chair at the front porch with Ryung sleeping soundly in his arms. He’s been watching both of them silently for the last five minutes, his love for Hanbin goes into overdrive watching the scene unfolds. Ryung has his little chubby fingers wrapped around Hanbin’s index finger as he comfortably nestled in Hanbin’s arms. Hanbin humming a sweet lullaby as he gazes at the night sky. 

Bobby is surprised at how quickly Ryung warming up to Hanbin, but then he remembers how quickly he warmed up to Hanbin too back then. Hanbin has that special something, a certain _je ne sais quoi_. Hanbin chalks it up to his cheerful nature, but Bobby thinks it’s more than just his character. It’s his beautiful soul that attracts people to him, people and animal alike. 

Bobby thought Hanbin was annoyingly obnoxious back when they first met, especially because for the first couple of days Bobby was still getting used to Hanbin’s straightforward comments that were sometimes hurtful. It was not until they had the chance to have a serious conversation where Bobby poured out his heart that they started to understood each other better. Slowly and surely, without an ounce of hesitation, Hanbin eased his way into Bobby’s heart. 

Hanbin’s stubbornness in wanting to get closer to Bobby felt like a ray of sunlight that persistently find its way through the blinds, waking Bobby up every morning with its gentle warmth. It slowly thawed Bobby’s cold exterior, the one he brought from Virginia alongside a huge dream to become a star. Hanbin was the one who managed to change his whole perspective on things, realizing that together they could chase the same dream. 

Looking at Hanbin with Ryung, Bobby can’t help but imagining their future. Hanbin has always liked to be around children, and Bobby wants to make that happen for him. Being parents, raising kids together, Bobby wants all that all of a sudden. 

“Ryung’s asleep, I’m scared of moving and waking him up.”

“But it’s cold out here, baby..” Bobby sees both are bundled up in the thick blanket that Hanbin was wearing earlier, but the temperature is even colder now as the night approaches. 

“I’m fine, Ryung is another human furnace next to you, hyung.” 

“Let me get Noona, hold on one second,” Bobby walks inside to find Jeeyoung just finished showering. He lets her know that Ryung is outside with Hanbin and she finally takes Ryung from Hanbin’s arms. 

Bobby takes a sit next to Hanbin on that blue swing chair, and Hanbin immediately shares his blanket, making sure Bobby is warm too. Fingers tightly interlocked to each other, enjoying the view of the starry skies as well as the last pieces of hotteok that Bobby has saved up from Hanbin’s makeshift birthday cake during dinner. Bobby uses his legs to swing the chair slowly while Hanbin cuddles into him, enjoying each other’s company while half of the family is already asleep.

Bobby looks at his watch, their driver is not going to pick them up for another hour. 

“Walk with me?” Bobby asks with a soft voice.

Without hesitation, Hanbin takes Bobby’s hand and follows him. 

Bobby leads him to a secluded spot near the bonfire, the last bits of embers still stubbornly burns, offering them a bit of warmth. They had enjoyed drinks and games after dinner around the bonfire, and Bobby feels recharged after spending time with his family, he hopes Hanbin is too. 

They sit on top of a wooden log, that seemed to come from a really old tree considering the size of it. Hanbin has left the blanket behind on the swing, and he starts to shiver again under his furry jacket. Bobby pulls Hanbin into his arms, covering both of them inside the big jacket that he borrows from Jiun. After making sure Hanbin is thoroughly covered, both his arms and Hanbin’s inside the same sleeves, Bobby zips the jacket up so they’ll get even warmer. They look like a pair of conjoined twins and the thought of it makes them giggle. 

“I have a surprise for you,” Bobby takes out a handful of sparklers from his pocket with a box of matches to boot. 

He lights up the first one and puts it in Hanbin’s hand. Hanbin is overjoyed as it is one of his favorite childhood things. 

“Hmm?” Bobby then realizes that Hanbin is looking at him instead of the small fireworks in his hand. 

“Hyung, you’re more beautiful than all the fireworks in the world combined.”

“You’re such a flirt, Hanbin..” Bobby laughs and pinches Hanbin’s cheeks. 

“Hyung,”—Hanbin sounds serious all of a sudden—“Am I no longer the only baby in your life?”

“You’re always gonna be my number one baby.. Damn, it sounds cheesy doesn’t it??” They both laughs at the cringy line. 

“I’m kidding. I think Ryungie is so adorable, the way he fell asleep on me earlier, ugh. It gets me all warm and fuzzy inside, hyung,” Hanbin gushes at the memory.

“But seriously, Bin.. What if one day, we have our own babies?”

“But hyung, guys can’t have…you want us to marry other people and have babies…?” Hanbin answers with small voice, sounding completely sad all of a sudden.

“No, silly! Us, OUR babies.. We can always adopt you know..or I’ve read that there are other ways too..Seeing how you are with Ryung and with your sister, I can already imagine how you’ll be like as a parent. You’ll make such a wonderful doting father. I.. don’t want to take that option away from you..”

Hanbin takes a while to reply. Before he does, he grabs Bobby’s chin to kiss him softly on the lips and the side of Bobby’s neck as he leans his head on it. 

“Whatever road we will take in the future, I’ll always be right there beside you. Babies or no babies, you will never get rid of me, hyung,” He finishes with a kiss to Bobby’s palm. 

Bobby reciprocates the love, he follows the trails of Hanbin’s kisses but adds another one to Hanbin’s forehead. Hanbin sighs softly into Bobby’s arms, feeling so loved and warm. 

“Can I ask for my present now?” 

“Sure baby, shoot.”

“For my present this year, I just want you to say yes to my plan.”

“..and what is that?”

“I’m going to build a house, on that land that I bought a year ago. I want to build it for us, for our future. And I want to hear you say that you’ll accept this, no ifs and buts.”

Bobby doesn’t immediately reply, instead he looks at Hanbin with an indescribable expression. 

“That’s hardly asking for a favor, Hanbin, it’s more like you’re gifting me an absurdly expensive gift instead.” Bobby refers to what Hanbin has asked for before they left the house. 

“Will you say yes?” Hanbin sounds hopeful. 

“I’ll only say yes under one condition..”

“But I said no ifs..”

“Let me finish babe.. I’ll accept it only under one condition. You’ll let me pay for my own share too. I wanna build the house together with you. After all, it’s ours right? Not mine not yours, but ours?”

“Yes..ours.” 

“Then yes. I’ll gladly say yes, Binnie,” 

“Remember when I said one of my dreams was to travel around the world with you? I wonder if we can do it for my next birthday?”

“We just agreed on the present for this year and you’re already moving on to next year?” Bobby chuckles. He loves this boy so much.

“I already have birthday wishes lined up for next year, and the next year, and the year after that, and..”

Bobby silences him with his thumb. “Arasseo..You mean hot air balloon ride in Cappadocia, sunrise at Taj mahal, Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany, Stargazing at the top of Mauna Kea?

“… you remembered what I said?”

“Of course I do, silly! I couldn’t forget it even if I tried. I thought it is our dream, not yours alone?”

“100 points for Jiwon.”

“Binnie, how about this, let’s rent a beach house in Jeju for your birthday next year. It’ll be too cold to play at the beach but we’ll be able to avoid the summer crowd.”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, hyung,” Hanbin beams at the thought. 

“Babe, I’m gonna grab both of us hot chocolate for the ride home, wait here.” 

Bobby unzips his jacket and they both look like Bobby kangaroo with a baby joey Hanbin in his pouch. Bobby insists on leaving Hanbin with the jacket because he can just outrun the cold to the villa. 

Bobby’s phone is left inside the jacket pocket and it vibrates the moment he runs inside. Hanbin is startled because he doesn’t know what it was so he pulls it out from the pocket, thinking it was some kind of a vibrating insect. He can’t help but read the new incoming message displayed so clearly on the blinding screen. 

_Bobby, you need to come to the office tomorrow._ It appears the sender is one of the managers that works directly under the Director.

Hanbin gets upset after reading that. He feels a pang of guilt brewing inside him for putting Bobby in this situation, even when Bobby did it on his own volition. 

He can see Bobby is making his way back from the kitchen, appearing to bring a cup on each hand. Hanbin tries his best to control his face, to not show that he’s upset. He doesn’t want to ruin this night with silly arguments, he already knows Bobby will say that he takes full responsibility of his action. 

But sometimes Hanbin wishes he can do more for him. 

“One hot chocolate with extra chocolate shavings and extra marshmallows for you, Sir.” Bobby cheerily claims his seat back next to Hanbin and hands the warm paper cup to him. Still hasn’t checked his phone, probably not going to until a lot later. 

Hanbin is still having a hard time masking his emotion so he leans his head on Bobby’s shoulder hoping Bobby won’t notice. 

“Hanbin, look at me? Shall we light the last firework before we get home?”

“Yeah.” Hanbin lift up his face to look at Bobby, unconsciously biting his lower lip as he does so. Their faces are so close, and there’s always a risk to be seen by the family, but reasoning and logic have left the building the moment Bobby’s captivated by Hanbin’s huge dark brown eyes. 

“Happy birthday, Hanbin.” 

Bobby tilts his face and kisses Hanbin slowly and deeply as the last fireworks lights up in their hands.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

The door to their bedroom slams shut, only this time neither of them are angry. The sexual tension has just been building up from the moment they enter the private car that took them home. They held hands in the car during the entire ride home, the dark night was enough to conceal them from any prying eyes. 

The minute they enter their apartment, they can’t get their hands off each other. Clothing messily thrown to the floor, leaving trails from the front door to their bedroom. 

Bobby is already completely naked while Hanbin still has one last article of clothing covering his private part. He signals pause to Bobby so he can turn on the star projector as promised. It beams up countless dots of yellow lights that cast their entire bedroom in a warm cozy glow. 

“Still not as beautiful as you..” Hanbin murmurs into Bobby’s ears. 

Bobby picks Hanbin up and have him sit on top of the oak dresser, pinning him in that position until he can fully appreciates the beautiful line that makes Hanbin’s body with his kisses. 

“Hyung, your birthday post..”

“Hmm..what about it?” Bobby asked nonchalantly as he glides his lips gently on Hanbin’s neck.

“I..it..i know how much you love me, but that was a pretty bold move..” 

“Hmm..? I don’t think so.” Bobby says calmly. He proceeds to nibble on Hanbin’s jaw, completely ignoring the concerned tone he hears in Hanbin’s voice.

“It…baby..It really is..i..”—Hanbin is having difficulty concentrating as Bobby’s hand starting to slither unto his lower region. 

“You saw the message didn’t you?”

Hanbin nods. “Sorry,” he mumbles. 

“Don’t worry about it, baby. I don’t have anything to hide anyway. And don’t worry about me, okay? I know what to do, trust me. You and I together, we go like beer and chicken, right? They should’ve known that by now.”

“Jiwonie, 하늘만큼 땅만큼 사랑해..” Hanbin is starting to feel a tightness around his throat, overwhelmed by the fact that Bobby has done so much for him. 

“Hmm.. I think I love you much much further than that,”—Bobby caresses the soft skin under Hanbin’s left eye, then kisses it softly as he murmurs—“I love you ’til the edge of the universe.”

Hanbin understands completely, how he is loved by this man named Kim Jiwon. Sure and unwavering, the way Kim Jiwon has always been. Before Hanbin met him, he had never thought that true love would come knocking at his door. If only he can go back to the past, he’d let little Hanbin know that someday, a man named Kim Jiwon would teach him the meaning of love and to be loved. 

Hanbin jumped into Bobby’s arms, trusting completely that those strong arms are ready to carry him. And he’s right. It’s always ready to catch him when he falls, literally and figuratively. 

Bobby is looking at him with a gentle smile. He touches Hanbin’s lips with his thumb, gently parting it to meet his own. Hanbin teases with soft kitten licks on Bobby’s lips, playing hard to get in this seductive game of kiss. 

Bobby teases back by biting the tip of Hanbin’s nose gently, and that seems to do the trick. Hanbin counterattacks with deep kisses, his tongue searching for its pair and finds it inside the older’s mouth. Entwining and dancing together like a pair of fated partners. 

Their eyes filled with love and lust only for each other, it’s almost like they can see their own reflections reflected on each other’s dark brown eyes, a prelude to understanding the depth of each other’s soul. 

Bobby moves them onto their bed, his back flush against the grainy wood headboard while having Hanbin safely straddled on his lap. His fingers roam underneath and squeezes Hanbin’s round butt cheeks, removing the briefs that is still covering his bottom part. 

Bobby brushes his fingers slowly on Hanbin’s long gorgeous neck, inciting fluttery shivers all over Hanbin’s body. It feels as his touch leaves a burning trails, unraveling the seams of his self control. Hanbin can feel his desire is about to overflow. 

“Have you ever wondered, what life would be like if we don’t get to know each other? We walk on different paths, I might be stuck in Fairfax working as an accountant or something..” Bobby has been meaning to ask this question to Hanbin since a long time ago.

“My life will be gray. Exciting, but gray. You bring happiness to my life, and paint every single part of my world in such vibrant colors. If I have never met you,..I don’t think I will ever fall in love..”

Hanbin cradles Bobby’s face between his fingers, and looks at him tenderly in his eyes. 

“Make love to me, Jiwon.”

“My pleasure..” Bobby’s voice sounds gravelly and thick with lust. His pupils are already dilating at the sight of his lover, softly panting in his arms. 

Hanbin is starting to grind on him and moans softly at the sensation of their dicks pressing together. Bobby ravishes Hanbin’s lips in delight, he’s so filled with desire that he can barely think straight. He just feels Hanbin. 

Bobby’s fingers trailing down the path of Hanbin’s hip tattoo, the one that only him has the privilege to touch. And as Bobby traces the words on Hanbin’s hip with his fingers, his lips roam to other places where he knows Hanbin is most sensitive. He lets his teeth grazes gently on the skin, wickedly teasing Hanbin and making him wait for the pleasure. 

As their desire builds up, Hanbin is straddling Bobby even harder, needy and spoiled, he can’t wait for the tease to end. 

“Please..I’ve already prepared myself earlier..” Hanbin desperately wants Bobby inside him.

Bobby squirts the lube in his hand, and carefully applies it to Hanbin’s tight opening. He slicks the thick goo onto his own erection too, while keeping his gaze locked at Hanbin at all times. 

Bobby pumps his dick a couple times before he let it enters Hanbin slowly. It’s still just the tip but Hanbin already moans so erotically. Hanbin hasn’t even fully seated into position yet he manages to send a weird pleasure into Bobby’s brain. Bobby almost goes berserk with lust if not for the soft kisses that Hanbin keeps giving him. 

With body softly pliable in his hands and legs entwining into him, Bobby thinks Hanbin is the most beautiful he has ever seen. 

“I love you,” Bobby whispers, before he guides Hanbin’s hips lower into his erection. And once again Hanbin’s moans get even louder. 

Bobby is finally inside him, and Hanbin starts to move himself up and down to assist Bobby. Hanbin loves this seated position the most, it allows him to get lost in Bobby’s eyes while he thrusts into him deeply. 

“May I?”

Hanbin winds his arms around Bobby’s neck, while his legs encircles Bobby’s broad back, finally giving Bobby complete control over his thrusts. And that’s when Bobby goes nuts. 

The pleasure builds up so intensely that sometimes Hanbin is forgetting to breathe. He is overwhelmed with the way Bobby moves so erratically, his erection feels like it’s creating a permanent dent inside of him. It feels so good, Hanbin thinks he can never recover from this. 

Hanbin gasps sensually, reaching for air to breathe but Bobby is keen to share his instead. Completely engulfed in the erotic play, he digs his nail deep into the skin on Bobby’s neck; tearing pieces of the thin skin, tiny beads of blood starting to appear on where it was pierced. The stinging doesn’t seem to faze Bobby, if anything it riles him up even more. His moves become even wilder, his thrust is as rough as he can still control. He doesn’t want to cum yet he was dying to hear Hanbin moans. Hanbin manages to release himself from this kiss and throws his head to the side to gasp for more, that kiss is simply not giving him enough oxygen to survive such rigorous activity, and definitely not enough when his partner is Bobby. 

He buries his fingers in Bobby’s hair, ready to stop him should he kiss him again while he’s gasping for air. 

“I love you, Hanbin.” Bobby says in between his ragged breathing.

“Fuck,..I’m going crazy..Jiwon.. fuck I love you so much.” Hanbin almost screams it but his throat feels tight and his voice barely comes out. 

Bobby pulls out and all of a sudden Hanbin feels the emptiness. He changes their position and yanks both of Hanbin’s legs quite roughly to rest it on top of his shoulder. Hurriedly, he propped a pillow under Hanbin’s hips to lift up his pelvis and in one quick move he fills into Hanbin again. But this time, he went all the way in; with not an inch spared. 

Bobby is buried deep into Hanbin, filling up every space Hanbin has to offer, pushing against the nerves that gives Hanbin all the pleasure. Fitting perfectly as if it’s always meant to be, like they were made for each other. Two pieces of a perfect puzzle.

Bobby alternates his thrusts, he goes slower and faster expertly, knowing exactly what Hanbin likes, meanwhile his lips are leaving tiny little bruises on Hanbin’s neck, a token of his overwhelming affection. 

Hanbin is moving his hips back and forth, chasing after the thrusts, especially when Bobby teases him with a shallow one. His forehead is slick with sweat, his voice is starting to get hoarse from all the moaning. Bobby lets him suck on his fingertips for a change as they gaze into each other’s face, waiting for someone to cave in from the temptation and kisses first. 

Hanbin completely submits into Bobby’s touch, relishing in the intimacy of their lovemaking. He thinks he’s in heaven, his own version of paradise that he wants to live in forever.

And as the arousal about to reach its peak, Bobby reaches out his hand to help stimulate Hanbin’s erection. 

“Don’t, baby..I wanna cum with just you..” Hanbin stops him.

And Bobby immediately understands what he means by that. 

“Are you close?” Hanbin asks in a breathy voice.

“Almost..” Bobby is breathless. 

“Release it in me, I don’t mind.” Hanbin takes the chance to fully claims Bobby’s lips once again. 

And with that Bobby groans in pleasure. His entire body spasms as he releases his thick liquid into Hanbin, impregnating him inside his most private part. 

Hanbin can feel Bobby is about to pull out, so he winds his legs tighter onto Bobby’s body, locking him in place for the time being.

“Stay inside me, just a little bit longer..”

Hanbin thinks being loved by Bobby is pure bliss. They are equal, there’s never a set position. It is always decided instantly, a spur of the moment kind of thing; who takes charge and who receives. Hanbin thinks their dynamic is nothing short of beautiful. The perfect chemistry.

If being loved offers him the experience of pure bliss, then the act of loving Bobby gifted him a solid meaning of unconditional love. His world that was once dull, filled with rainbow of emotions the moment Bobby arrived in his life. His forever muse, confidante, lover and best friend. 

Hanbin suddenly rolls over and pins Bobby underneath, panting with intense desire for him. 

“If I love you anymore than this, I don’t know what I’ll do. Jiwon, I wanna do it to you too.”

“…I love when you want me.” Bobby closes his eyes and smiles, feeling like he’s on cloud nine. He fully anticipates the intense emotion that’s about to come, he’s seen it in Hanbin’s eyes. 

“I always want you..” Hanbin caresses the hard chest slick with the mixture of their sweats. His half erect dick is rubbing on it, Hanbin hasn’t had his release but he can handle it. 

Hanbin reaches out for the lube that fell off to the floor, while Bobby waits patiently under him. Eyes gazing up at Hanbin, looking at him so intently. Bobby gently moves the messy bangs that’s covering Hanbin’s eyes, and their gaze meet again. It is then Bobby realizes that he could die for Hanbin, if only just to see this brown eyes forever in his gaze. 

“..mess me up, Hanbin.. give me all of you..” Bobby whispers as he let his hand rests on one side of Hanbin’s reddened cheek. 

Hanbin applies the lube he retrieved in haste, all the while never breaking away from their eye contact. He records it in his mind, all the different expressions Bobby displays right at that very moment. The moment that cold lube touches the skin, the second his finger pushes into him, and the long minute of waiting when he tries to stretch Bobby’s soft opening in preparation for his erection. All the seductive gazes and sweet moans that are escaping from Bobby’s lips, Hanbin wants to keep it forever in his memory. 

This is definitely not his first time entering him, yet that night feels different somehow. It was as if they’re preparing for an unspoken vow, a vow that will bind them for the rest of their lives. 

“Hrngh…” Bobby is starting to become incoherent the longer Hanbin uses his finger. His dick is no longer limp after his previous orgasm, Hanbin can see Bobby’s precum forming on his tip meanwhile his is not looking any better. His own erection is starting to hurt, needing a release so badly. 

He positions himself and in one swift motion he enters Bobby. He slides in easily because of the lube, but the tightness prevents him from pushing even further. 

Bobby stifles a groan, he doesn’t want to stop Hanbin but his face is showing total discomfort, enough to make Hanbin worry. 

Hanbin stops moving, “Did I hurt you baby??” He’s so concerned about hurting Bobby that his voice shakes. 

“”I’m alright,”—Bobby sighs and kisses the palm of Hanbin’s hand that’s cradling his face,—“..just move a bit slower, baby..”

As Bobby adjusts to the sensation, it becomes more than pleasurable to him. Hanbin knows exactly how to move, it’s completely overtaking all of Bobby’s other senses. He can barely feel anything else but the sensation of Hanbin sliding in and out of him, hitting the sweet spots that he barely knows exist if it’s not for Hanbin. With each thrusts, Hanbin gets deeper; sending waves of pleasure throughout his entire body. He can’t even feel Hanbin stroking on his dick, biting on his shoulder, crying I love yous in his ears. 

Jaws clenched, Bobby squirms as he’s about to release his load for the second time, but suddenly Hanbin stops midway.

“Babe, please..why stop..please, I’m so close..” Bobby groans in frustration. He can no longer comprehend the situation, his body craves for Hanbin yet he knows Hanbin is still inside him. 

“I just..want to burn this moment into my memory.. You, writhing in pleasure under me. Completely mine, while I’m all yours.. I love you so fucking much,” Hanbin is starting to tear up. He can no longer contain the overflowing of emotion he’s been holding inside. Jiwon, jiwon, jiwon. It’s always been only him, only his Jiwon. 

A pair of warm lips crash into Bobby, pillowy and soft, yet it moves so roughly. Bobby feels like it’s ready to consume his soul, and he is willing to give it for free.

Hanbin pulls out and before Bobby even gets the chance to protest, he rams it back into the twitching hole. Thrusting deep all at once, prompting Bobby to finally cry out his suppressed scream of pleasure. 

The sound of their bodies humping against each other fills up the room, under the dim lighting from the star projector, it feels like they’re making love under the starry skies. Bobby’s finger are digging deep into the mattress as he waits for another toes curling orgasm, their bedsheets are long pulled off the bed. 

“…Hold on to me,” Hanbin whispers between the erratic breathing. 

“No, I’ll scratch you like last time..”

“I don’t care, Jiwon, please..” Hanbin pleads. 

Bobby nods weakly before Hanbin finds his lips again, softly this time. Bobby wraps his arms around Hanbin’s back, with one hand resting on the younger’s neck. With this, Bobby can feel their bodies melts into each other even more, it’s like the places where their bodies touch is no longer two but one. 

They move in rhythm, chasing both of their impending release. It’s so near, Hanbin can feel Bobby’s insides twitching, clenching on his dick tighter with each of his forceful thrusts. Hanbin marvels at the sight, on the face of the boy laying under him. Head thrown back into the pillow, eyes half closed, lips raw from bites that he inflicted on himself; he bit his own lips to stop himself from screaming earlier. His hard chest heaving in and out, with each breath outcomes a deep whimper. Hanbin can almost taste the love displayed so visually underneath him. 

Beads of sweats forming above the glassy eyes, Hanbin is so eager to taste it, to take in everything, every parts of Bobby. Hanbin suckles on his raw bitten lips, tasting a bit of iron in his tongue. He licks it clean and starts all over again. 

And when it finally comes, Hanbin can feel it through the quickening of their breaths. All of a sudden he feels a prick on his back, nails digging deep and ripping off bits of his skin, leaving painful long scratches that he will boast as a love trophy in the morning. The pain reminds him of the tattoo he got for Bobby, the purple balloon that will forever float on his back, filled with a special wish that mimics that forever part. 

The blinding moment and the complete silence engulfing him, Hanbin finally releases his pleasure inside the person he loves the most. It feels surreal the way they both finish at the same time, it feels like he’s in a perfectly orchestrated symphony with God as their conductor. And as the illusion dissipates, and his senses slowly pulls him back into reality, Hanbin wishes to feel it once again that night.

When it rains, it pours. Hanbin knows of this all too well. But for him personally, this phrasing gives a whole another meaning to how he loves. When he truly loves, he pours out his soul as well. Hanbin’s love is a hurricane, and Bobby is in the eye of that storm. And as Hanbin completely succumbs into the undeniable affection that he has for the man in his arms, he can’t resist to make this night completely memorable for both of them.

It always takes Bobby a little bit longer in refractory period, but Hanbin not minding it one bit. It’s rare that he sees Bobby this way, mouth still slightly agape in breathy moans while his hands are clinging into every bits of Hanbin that he can muster. Hanbin feels so needed, so wanted. 

Hanbin kisses the back of Bobby’s hands as if asking for permission, then turns Bobby on his side so his back is completely facing Hanbin. Bobby complies so easily even with eyes still half closed, as if his body is also giddy with anticipation and chooses to assist Hanbin. 

Hanbin has full access of Bobby’s neck from this position, it doesn’t take long before he’s kissing on it, inhaling the scent of sex that emanates from his lover. He licks the red marks that he left earlier to soothe its pain, never wanting to hurt Bobby if he could. 

Hanbin can feel that they’re both ready. He positions his hip and lifts up one of Bobby’s legs to rest on top of him, and with one smooth move, he enters Bobby once again. This time he takes it slow, as slow as he can consciously manage. The slow thrusts where their hips barely leave each other while he inserts fully into Bobby is something that Hanbin is experiencing for the very first time. And he learns that a few of these moves are enough to make Bobby go wild. 

Bobby’s body jerking involuntarily as he’s enduring the intense pleasure, completely smothered in all the sensations that awaken his arousal. Loud moans escape from Bobby’s lips, captivating Hanbin in an endless chase for his love. Taking him into a place where only both of them exist, a prison of their own desire, the universe where only their love matters. 

“..you’re in, so deep. I can feel you, right here...” Bobby murmurs as he’s touching on his own stomach. His head is leaned back onto Hanbin’s neck, and as he turns to give Hanbin a kiss, he releases his cum onto Hanbin’s hand. 

“..Jiwon..nghh..” Hanbin follows soon after. His warm cum fills up Bobby’s insides and leaks out as Hanbin slowly pulls out. 

“Jiwon..?”

Bobby doesn’t answer. His body is limp and he breathes slowly. 

“…are you asleep?”

Still no answer. Hanbin sighs knowing that Bobby has gone off to dreamland, probably waiting for him to join soon.

“Sleep tight..,”—Hanbin kisses Bobby’s lips that is still trembling slightly from the overstimulation—“..let’s meet in our dreams, Love.”

They fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms, serenaded by the blissful proof of their love. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

“Bobby hyung…”

“Hmm?”

“Kiss me three times before you go.”

“But I’m only going to the bathroom, baby,”—Bobby gets confused—“..and why three?”

“Kim Jiwon..” Hanbin looks so cute with his pout, Bobby has no way out of it. 

“Arasseo.” Bobby chuckles as he walks back to their messy bed. Hanbin is seated on the side with his arms outstretched ready to pull him into a hug. 

Bobby has to bend his knees a little to fit into Hanbin’s hug better but he doesn’t mind. Caressing the hair softly, he kisses Hanbin’s forehead for the first one. 

“The first one is for all the life lessons we had in the past that I’m so grateful for.” Hanbin whispers. 

Bobby kisses the second time, this time on Hanbin’s left cheek. He lets his lips lingered on the soft and plump cheek that he’s so glad to see again. 

“The second one is for our present. Thank you for being mine.” Hanbin whispers, this time directly into Bobby’s ears. His arms tries to hold Bobby tighter, but Bobby has another idea. He swoops Hanbin so easily from his seat to carry him in a bear hug. 

Hanbin closes his eyes as Bobby moves in closer to give him the third kiss, this time on his lips. Hanbin’s favorite type of kiss. 

“The third one,”—Hanbin is still trying to recover from the kiss, a simple kiss that took his breath away—“..for our future. I cant wait to spend the rest of my life, forever with you. I love you.”

“That sounded like a promise?”

“That was a proposal.”

“That means you’ll be mine, you know, forever?” Bobby echoes the sentiment that Hanbin had uttered years ago, with a much deeper meaning this time. 

“Forever has such a heavy implication but I personally think that is the sweetest promise of them all.”

“You know, when I was little, my grandma used to say that I was born lucky. She’s absolutely right, I feel like I’ve won a lottery in life.”

And his lips found Hanbin’s again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “There are people who say there’s no such thing that can last forever, but to me, I wish that there is, I believe in love that last forever.” —Kim Hanbin.


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you. - “At The Beginning” 
> 
> Mood: Il Porco Rosso - Joe Hisaishi

**October 21,2020**

It has been a long day and Bobby is exhausted. He just had multiple lunch meetings with a team of mixers and sound engineers, followed by a headache inducing coffee break with his publisher. He’s tired, but he’s happy. 

Bobby smiles as he enters the apartment. Late afternoon sunlight peeks gently through the blinds, illuminating tiny dust particles hovering nearby. Gentle instrumental music is playing softly in the background, as though it is his own personal lullaby. Hanbin must’ve left it playing when he came back from his first meeting, his subtle way of reminding Bobby that he will be back soon, that he won’t be gone that long. 

It is rare that Bobby is alone during this golden hour, not to mention the unusually empty room is starting to remind him of bittersweet nostalgia. The road that lead to this day was bumpy and rough, filled with heartaches and self loathing, tears and self doubt. They weren’t prepared for the onslaught of problems that kept on coming, they didn’t think anyone would. But somehow, someway, they found their way back to each other; just as universe had once again made their path aligned. Serendipitous encounter of two souls, peculiar and overwhelming. 

Bobby thinks it’s destiny. Hanbin thinks it’s a beautiful harmony. 

Sunrise and sunsets are the times that he would always want to spend together with Hanbin if he could; just to admire how his warm brown eyes twinkling in the sunlight and the whispered I love yous coming from that pretty lips of his. Bobby thinks it is the prettiest sight he has ever encountered, his slice of heaven on earth. 

Today just feels a bit gloomier without Hanbin around, the air is a bit heavier. It’s like being stuck back on earth when you’ve had a glimpse of heaven. Bobby knows he’s being greedy, but he figures Hanbin is worth it. He is worth all the prayers. 

Bobby takes a seat on the plush grey armchair nearest to the window, sighing contently as his body thaws under the warm orange glow. With eyes half closed, he throws his cap and cellphone onto the wooden coffee table, both land softly next to an unopened package from overseas. After months of waiting, it finally arrived this morning.

Hanbin was suspicious of its content, Bobby caught him googling the sender’s address after he took it inside from the hallway; but of course Bobby was well prepared. He made the sender write their P.O Box instead. He almost couldn’t suppress his giggles when he saw Hanbin clicking his tongue out of annoyance. 

_“What’s inside it?” Hanbin questioned Bobby with a leery gaze._

_“I think my hyung sent me that, a gift for my Eomma,” he answered without looking, scared that Hanbin could see right through his white lies. _

_“But the address looks a bit weird? It’s not his regular address is it?”_

_“Really? Hmm, that could be his P.O Box address. I think he rents one nowadays, it’s quite a common thing there. Saves the hassle of moving between addresses.” Bobby was sure it sounded like a legit explanation, he even ended it with a soft peck on Hanbin’s cheek. _

_“Ah, okay…” Hanbin smiled shyly after receiving such affection. After years of being together, he still get weak in the knees for this. _

_“You better shower now, Bobby hyung. Don’t forget to take those vitamin packs that’s on the kitchen counter before you go,” Hanbin moved in for a hug as he was about to leave first for his early meetings. _

_“Nuh uh..I only get a hug, not even a kiss?” Bobby pouted. _

_“You’re underestimating my love, Kim Jiwon-ssi..” Hanbin grinned and swept Bobby into his arms._

Lazily, Bobby rises from his comfy spot to grab the kitchen shears to open the package with. He runs his fingers through his hair as he is making his way to the kitchen, a half assed attempt to comb the tangly mess from last night’s activity. He was rushing to leave that morning, caught up in Hanbin’s kisses that he didn’t have time to wash it before he had to leave. Thank God or whomever invented baseball cap. He’s keeping it long for their upcoming debut as independent artists. Them. Both. Together at last. Another dream about to be realized. 

He rummages through the drawers impatiently, and finally found it under a pile of bamboo chopsticks and colorful glass straws—Hanbin’s latest foray into being more environmentally conscious—while simultaneously making a mental note to buy a drawer divider soon before all those glass straws break from being jostled around with the other hard utensils. 

They didn’t have much when they had just moved in; just a pair of bowls and plates and several mugs that have sentimental values to them. Fast forward a year later and the kitchen is now full with all sorts of knick knacks. Bobby didn’t think that he’d be able to live such a domesticated life before, but now that he’s living it, he loves every part of their blissful days together. 

Bobby comes back to the package that is sitting on their coffee table, his heart has already started beating a little bit faster. He hasn’t seen the final thing but he can already imagine how beautiful it must be. With half blade of the kitchen shears, he tears open the package slowly, afraid of messing up what might have been inside. Turns out he was being painstakingly careful for nothing, after all, what’s inside was neatly bubble wrapped and placed within air cushion bags for extra protection during the overseas delivery. 

He let the unboxed cardboard and its inserts scattered messily on the floor, too excited that his hands are starting to shake while a huge grin plastered on his face. The crinkling of the thick bubble wrapping fills the entire room as he unwraps each layer clumsily, forgoing scissors in favor of a much more delicate measure.

His phone buzzes, alerting an incoming call. But he can’t even be bothered with it when he finally manages to unwrap the last of the layers, revealing a white chipboard box that’s prettily wrapped with a dainty bow. His fingers trembles slightly as he unravels the knot, to finally get to the last box. 

Inside the white box sits an even smaller velvety blue box, similar to how their apartment is decorated. The color of the calming sea, the color of the vast sky, their favorite shade of blue. Bobby holds the blue box in his hand for a while, thinking of the best way to present this later. Should he do it with just the ring? Should he give this box too? His mind is filled with these questions. It’s not like he’s going to propose, not yet. Yet he knows this ring carries a significance meaning to their relationship, a step closer to their forever. It has to be perfect.

_I’ll just go with the flow._  


He can’t stop his hands from shaking when he finally opens the blue box that holds the thing, Inside, tucked snugly within the velvety slit, sits a ring. Much prettier than what he had imagined. Bits of purple and yellow cosmos suspended within the transparent resin, accentuated with irregular wood part on the opposite side. 

He takes it out of the box and holds it over his head, smiling widely as he does. The way it glimmers under the warm afternoon brings back memories of Jeju, when he gave Hanbin the makeshift flower ring alongside his promise of forever. Too bad, that promise was cut short when they had to walk on separate paths; so now Bobby wants to make it right once again.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The morning after they had just broken up, Bobby woke up feeling a little bit woozy. He couldn’t recall much details afterwards but then he remembered seeing remnants of dried petals scattered on the floor and how his heart sunk. 

Bobby recalled how he gathered those bits and pieces on the palm of his hand, too heartbroken to even think straight. He stared at it for a while, too perplexed, not knowing what to do. But then he remembered an old jewelry box that his mother had gifted him alongside her gold bracelets. 

He went to the veranda where he stored his seasonal clothing, and found the box inside the spare yellow suitcase where he kept some of his old stuff; gochujang stained shirt and piles of CDs among the few. Back then, he didn’t understand what to do with the remnants, only that he wanted to keep it as a precious memory. Back then he wondered if someday he would know what to do. 

The night after they got back from Japan, Bobby found himself sitting on the veranda in the middle of the night, just staring absentmindedly at the nonexistent view from his window. His wasn’t facing the direction of Han River, instead it was just the view of a deserted park in front of their dorm and a bunch of convenience stores nearby. 

He thought of the way Hanbin was kissing him in the hotel room, of how he whispered I love you in his ears; so desperately. He hated himself for having to reject Hanbin so cruelly, all the while fighting the urge to kiss him back. Hopelessly in love still, the same desperate way as Hanbin was. 

Bobby scooted over in the cramped space to take the jewelry box from the rack next to where he was seated. It had been tucked safely underneath thick heavy blankets for weeks. For some reason it felt heavier than what he remembered, but maybe that was only in his imagination. 

He relied on the faint moonlight and the glow from the street lamps below to see what was kept inside. It still looked pretty even though he knew this flower no longer hold any meaning to their broken relationship. But then he thought maybe when the time is right, he would be able to return this precious memento to Hanbin. Someday. As an old memory to live by, a reminder that they were once together, and they were happy. 

He’d keep part of it too, locked safely inside the box. Buried deep in his heart. A reminder that he loved and was loved.

Looking back, it seemed like Bobby had always known unconsciously that fate would bring them back together. So when the day finally came around, he already knew what to do. 

They hadn’t talked about it ever since the day they got back together. Hanbin casually mentioned about the locked jewelry box last year but then he was never told the truth of what was inside. Days went by and things got a lot hectic for both of them, and Bobby had almost forgotten about his plan until their impromptu trip to Jeju at the beginning of the summer. He was going to take Hanbin there for his birthday but the sea had been calling out their names, and they both desperately needed the getaway. 

It was nice to get out of the city for a little while. Jeju offered the slight anonymity that Seoul lacked. They knew to visit local spots and to avoid the touristy areas, and both were always welcomed at Jinhwan’s family inn to stay. They visited his mom and took her out for a nice lunch down by the Halla Arboretum, catching up on the past crazy year full of turmoil. Jinhwan was jealous that he couldn’t join them, so much so that he booked a flight for the next day and also had Junhoe came along with. 

They parted ways with Jinhwan’s mom in front of the restaurant, promised her to get back by 7 PM for dinner. They didn’t have much plan aside from enjoying the gorgeous views and each other’s company, walking down memory lane that only both shared.

They walked around aimlessly, hand in hand just like the old days. Talking and laughing, lost in their own world. They found themselves on a flower-lined path, heading towards a small field filled with colorful wild flowers. Hanbin insisted on taking a picture, a gorgeous lone yellow Cosmos that bloomed so beautifully. 

He plucked it carefully, tied the stems to form a circle, and put it on Bobby’s ring finger. He looked left and right to make sure the coast was clear, and sealed it with a soft kiss on Bobby’s lips. 

That night after Hanbin fell asleep, tucked snugly in his arms, Bobby sent an inquiry to a jeweler he found online. He did his research while Hanbin was showering earlier and he wanted to sort out the details of this handcrafted custom jewelry they offered. The only downside was that it would take months to finish as the dried flower bits needed to be sent to the United States where the business was located.

The seller responded about ten minutes later, Bobby’s phone buzzed noisily against the wooden side table and jolted him awake. Hanbin stirred in his sleep but luckily he was too warm and too comfortable to open his eyes, Bobby heaved a sigh of relief and gave him a lingering peck on his forehead to coo him back to sleep. After he sent his short reply, Bobby slept with a huge smile. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Bobby can’t contain his excitement, he can’t seem to wipe the smile off his face. The fact that it arrived at the most perfect timing, just a day before his beloved birthday, Bobby is sure this is another one of the universe’s doing. 

He lose track of time, all spaced out imagining how Hanbin will react and what he’ll say. It’s as though he can already taste the kiss on his lips and how soft Hanbin’s dimply cheeks feel under his touch. He doesn’t realize that his phone has been buzzing nonstop since five minutes ago.

His daydream is cut short when he hears the alarm on his phone rings. He set it up earlier as a reminder to pick up the birthday cake he ordered from Hanbin’s favorite bakery nearby. He opens up his shiny purple fliphone and is surprised to see so many miscalls and a text from Hanbin. 

His heart is racing until he remembers that Hanbin is with his uncle so if anything bad happened, he must’ve gotten a call from him too. That calmed him down a bit. He skims through the call logs and the last one just happened around a minute ago. 

_Babyung, I finished the meeting earlier than expected. I’ll be home soon. Want me to grab that spinach noodle you like before I head home?_

The text came the earliest. _No wonder he called me so many times,_ Bobby lets out a sigh of relief.

He clicked on Hanbin’s name to call him back, while at the same time trying to clean up the mess on the floor. It doesn’t even get to the first ring when he hears rustling sound from outside the door. He rushes to clean up while simultaneously trying to find a place to hide the box. 

He stop dead in his tracks when he hears the familiar melodic sound from the hyeon gwan, then the sound of the heavy door swinging open. He doesn’t have much time left so he throws the box under their thick living room rug, hoping Hanbin won’t noticed the weird bulge on the floor. 

“I’m home, Bobby hyung,” Hanbin greets with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moonriver Part 2, coming soon.


End file.
